Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 9: Saving Private Rickon

Sup yall marshmallow faced bastards, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Diggie Smalls aka Grubby Mitts Esquire Junior the Third aka the Pissy Spray Lord, less look at this here Battle of teh Bastards.

Well, this is awkward now.

We open up in Mehreen wit Danny givin Tyrion her whole "I'm not angry, I'm jus disappointed" speech about burning down the odd city or two. They get interrupted by a window smashing, and whilst Grey Worm suggests they ring up Gavin from Auto-Glass wit his new found comedy skills, Danny meets up wid three creepy blokes who swiped left on her Tinder account.
Just as the most metro-sexual lookin one starts considering a swipe right, a gert fuck off big dragon rolls up to tell him he's not his real dad. Danny straddles the dragon (not a Pornhub video title... yet) and zooms off. Conveniently enough the two other dragons manage to Shawshank Redemption their way through a brick wall and fly along with her. And them Lady Gaga video extra lookin cunts got rekt when Super Dario an teh Dothraki showed up. That was for Lionel Richie, ya bastards!
As the sound of underpaid sailors simultaneously bricking it reaches a deafening crescendo, Danny orders her Charizards to use flamethrowers, and it's super effective against wood. BUT NOT MA WOOD! I WAS ALREDDY ERECT!!! IT COULD ONLEE GET BETTA!!!

I NEED TO CONSULT A FUCKEN DOCTOR!!!!

So afta that, we see Jon & the Posse havin a good ol fashioned smacktalk showdown, which Ramsey aka the Third Gallagher Brother thinks he can win by repeatedly sayin "bastard". The irony is lost on Jon, as he knows nothing, but Sansa shits on Ramsey worse than the time he ordered her to when they were married becuz quite frankly he's probly into dat shit. But the threat of his impending death keeps the erection maintained, even if I was starting to feel dizzy at that point. But I manned up and drank some more paint to rest my nerves. Good to see that lil girl waiting to fuck up Ramsey wid her 62 pet bears or wateva teh fuck. Sadly, Ramsey won't 1v1 Jon, but Mr "Your Father Was A Cunt" aka Evil Hagrid shows off his wolf's head paperweight. 

Back at Fort Shitcreek, Jon gets some solid advice from Sansa: "Don't do what he wants you to do" and MILFassandre: "Don't make me make you respawn again, you cheeky wanka!". All of this pointless advice maintains the status quo of Jon Snow knowing nothing.

Meanwhile, the bromance between Gingerbiscuit and the Badger is cut short by Davos discovering the site of Stannis's Big BBQ an findin the remains of a "World's Worst Dad" mug in the ruins. Tormund drinks goat milk.

THE ERECTION'S STILL HERE!!!

Back in Chicago, Danny aka Mother of the Third Degree Burn Ward at the Local Hospital entertains guests. I mean, it's only another dickless bloke wid his sister. But his sister convinces Danny that Euron's a bit of a prick an that she should taste carpet. As we pray for the scissoring scene, I also pray that they send Theon's sister to have a chat wid Margery. OH GOD, IT'S STARTIN TO HURT NOW!!!

And now we come to the main event...

Ramsey, the smug prick, rolls out wid Rickon and then lets him run off to Jon. Jon's thinkin, sweet, I aready got diss, but then Ramsey turns into Robin Hood an starts blastin the gat. Rickon turns into fuckin Oscar Pistorius at this, unfortunately Oscar Pistorius without prosthetics, meaning he can't turn in any direction. As Jon abandons all battle plans, because he knows nothing, Ricky gets an arrow in the back. Shit has hit the fan!

Guess which reaction I had to Ricky's death!

Jon's about to get trampled worse than an English football fan in Moscow, but then Tormund and the bois rush in and it turns into a disorientating clusterfuck. Like, I'm pretty sure Jon musta got at least one team kill there. Anyway, shit is kickin off all ova the shop, and a huge pile of bodies builds up behind Jon's crew. Davos runs in to help wid the stragglers. Jon's wolf presumably decides to stay outta this afta what happened to the last wolf what tried ta help.

Lord Cuntfather leads his troops in and they surround Jon's crew an start jabbing them. Ya boi Wun Wun the giant breaks a mufucka in half and starts kickin the shit outta dudes left and right even with hundreds of arrows pokin out of him. Yall already know he's the MVP right?
Jus as Jon starts drownin in death like ya boi Rocky Dabs drowns in crippling social anxiety, the battle is put on pause by ya boi Lilfinga. His crew straight up annihilate the Bolton army. A shocked Lord Hagrid of House "Father was a Cunt" gets his throat fuckin ripped out by Tormund after their fight to determine who had the most magnificent beard. Ramsey fucks off home, but Jon, Tormund an Wun for the Price of Wun take off after him, orderin him to pull over his horse on the side of the road now. I CAN NO LONGER FEEL THE BOTTOM HALF OF MY BODY WITH HOW ERECT I AM!!!

Jus kill this bastard already Jon Boy!

Wun Wun breaks through the door an the Wildlings fuck up Bolton's remaining men faster than a laxative fucks up a clean white carpet. Ramsey shoots Wun Wun in the eye and then reminds Jon to 1v1 him. Jon blocks his arrows with Witcher 3 level deflection tactics then starts pounding him against the ground, fists all up in him... damn, sounds really gay when I describe it like that.
Anyway, Jon wins. Ramsey is tied up and left in a dog cage. Fittingly, his wife couldn't find the Pedigree Chum so compromises and lets Ramsey's dogs FUCKIN DEVOUR HIM!!!! THAT WAS METAL AS FUCK!!! And then my dog started barking immediately and I shit myself!

RIP Wun Wun an Mr "Your Father was a Cunt" and Rickon aka 22 lines in the whole show aka Sonic. Fuck my life, that was a fantastic episode, even without Margery!

Peace yall!

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 8: Hi, I'm Arya Stark, Welcome to Jackass!

Sup yall blathering, Bob Geldof blastin out ya speakers on a Friday night ass dipshits, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Rok-Dig-Ba aka Witchdoctor Rodney aka Moisto the Gimp, less get into diss.

So Brienne Blessed rolls up on Jaime's posse and bullies him into lettin her visit Sansa's uncle in his nursing home, which he has locked himself in since he realised the nurses were stealin his pills. Unfortunately, Muthafuckin Blackfish is too smart to deal wid her "The Army Needs You!" letter an tells her ta fuck off back to Goldfingers aka Five Finger Death Slap. Oh, and Bronn molests a young boy afta insulting him for not gettin his dick wet wid Brienne.

Speakin of young boys getting molested, the Catholic Church show up, an they're on the run fo attempted fingerblasting when the Hound catches up. He tells them to "chop chop" and then whips they asses like a dominatrix in a horse race. He then bumps into his old penpals, the immortal pirate aka OG Jon Snow aka undead Popeye an his life coach the manbun man aka international hangman champion 2007, an afta some food critiquing, cock waving and light strangulation, the Hound decides to join their band as the replacement drummer for that boyfingering bald bloke who he castrated back in teh woods. In short, the Hound is now my favourite character again.

The man is a legend.

Meanwhile, Jaime tries to convince Edmeh to try out this new form of contraceptive, where you fire a baby out of a catapult, but Edmuh shoots it down (the idea, not the baby). Jaime lets Edmuh go and he tries to get the Blackfish to come out an play, but Blackfish is halfway through season 4 of Breaking Bad an refuses to come out. Edmuh lets Jaime and those peasant ass Freys in, whilst Blackfish helps Brienne an Pod escape. He then remembers he left his porn collection at the top of the stairs and runs back.
Jaime is then told that this epic badass war general died. THE FUCKN BLACKFISH IS FUCKIN DEAD?!?!? Jus like dat? At this point I expected him to go: "oh, an boss, King's Landing got nuked an all major characters there are dead lol".

Back in China Town, Qyburn brings Cersei her happy pills but then some hardcore Mormons show up and start insulting science as bullshit. The Mountain, who has a PHD in the physics and anatomy of efficient head trauma, wins the debate by pulling a dude's head off like a fuckin dandelion.

Arya is rescued by a bowl of shitty soup an some LSD milk, whilst Lady Crane tells her about stabbin a guy to death wit a fucken dildo. When Arya wakes up, Crane is more broken an fucked up than a table from Ikea, an the Termiwafer rocks up to finish the ganking. Fortunately, Arya discovers a portal to Assassin's Creed, and parkours around the city for a while. What I really took away from this is that Lady Crane has some fuckin effective painkillers. Also, the people in that city will yell out in horror if their baskets get damaged, but don't bat an eyelid at bleeding little stabbed girls, assassins with knives in plain sight shoving past them, or a blind girl gettin the shit kicked out of her.
Eventually, Arya's bathsalt high wears off an she staggers into a dark room. The Waif starts gettin all cocky an shit, and talks shit about Arya's Youtube channel. Luckily, Arya is an emo and is better off in the darkness, so when the electricity gets cut off, she kills the Waif.
Jack Sparrow finds the face hangin up like a fuckin Christmas decoration, an then Arya tells him she is Arya Stark. He calls her no one, leadin me to believe he has the worst short term memory ever, then she storms off. The Faceless Assassins meet to discuss the complete failure of their apprenticeship scheme and begin a new recruitment drive.

Ah, well, this week's MVP was Blackfish, fo going out like a beast, even if we didn't see it, and Grey Worm for bringing the comedy as always.
Till next time...

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 7: Peasants Everywhere

Sup yall toe suckin, paint snortin bishes, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Smack Daddy Simulator 5000 aka the Phantom Pisser aka Donald Dank, an iss dat time of the week again.

So Jaimie brings his wingman, ya boi Bronn the Bro, along on his lil lads night out to Frey Country, where they stumble across some dunce cap wearing peasants tryin to sell rope to the Blackfish by pretendin to hang his semi-retarded nephew. Seriously, those Frey lads must've just hijacked a truck fulla those minging grey and brown hats or the caretaker from Hogwarts just gives them out every year for Christmas whilst tryin to convince his family he's just goin senile so he can get away wid givin them shits.

This is the face of a cunning mufucka.

Blackfish watches this lil pantomime for a few moments before his chronic bladder infection flares up again in the presence of peasant ass Freys and he wanders off to watch Emmerdale or sumthin. Jaime steps up an bitch slaps the more disgusting lookin peasant for his dingy colour schemes an shit, whilst Bronn gives out advice on what colours match the soldiers' eyes.

Jaime then gets verbally roasted by Blackfish, who tells him he's disappointed in him, making Jaime wonder if Blackfish is really his father. He returns to the Freys with a MISSION COMPLETE banner an a Tony Blair sex doll. Bronn is disappointed with this.

Meanwhile the FUCKIN HOUND RETURNS BOISSSZ!!!! Whilst livin wid his new homeless stoner Iraq vet priest best bud, an gettin blazed in the valleys, the Hound briefly wonders if Arya's doin alright, whilst his godly pal starts shoutin orders to his flashbacks.

Arya gets brutally stabbed like a pregnant sidebitch at a wedding party. However, it turns out the locals who ignored a blind girl gettin the shit beat out of her in broad daylight will also ignore a girl bleeding and stumblin all ova da place too. Seemed like such a pleasant place, wid that local murder cult of assassins an shit.

Sansa an Jon meet a girl, but because she ain't ginger, Jon's mystical powers of literally being Jesus Christ have no effect. Also, she's like twelve years old, so it would be a bit weird, unless they fed her some of Bran's puberty pills. Davos tries to adopt her, but she knows it would just end wid MILFassandre burnin her ass as a sacrifice to the weather forecast. She tells them to get fuckt, before providing a few roadies to help the Stark Family Final World Tour. Damn, she probably coulda kicked Joffrey's arse as a fetus a few seasons back son. Reminds me of dis bitch wat gave me my first Valentine Card...

Good times.

Dat cool ol lady tries to convince Margery dat the only way Game of Thrones can possibly get more viewers is if she does a naked walk, but dat shit ain't happenin apparently cuz the Shame Nun lost her bell. The High Sparrow also gives off intense "creepy maths teacher outside your window at night" vibes when he tells Margery he's concerned she's not lettin Tommo drown his kingly boner in her queenly cavern. He pretty much strate up tells her she needs to fondle some royal balls for the greater good. Not like priests would ever do anything sexual involving child...oh... oh no... flashbacks to choir practice!!! No... NO NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Speakin ov priests, less check up on the Hound's new BFF...

...ah... shoulda known... he got killed... well, at least we still got the Hound!

MVP ov da episode... shit mang, Blackfish, Bronn, the lil Bear Island girl, Margery's nan, stoner hippie priest hobo, THE FUCKEN HOUND... really anyone who wasn't dressed in greyish brown peasant ass clothes.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 6: The Samtard Show

Ayy bois, iss ya boi Sup Yagglesbee aka Motorboatarola aka Wankenstein's Monsta. Now dat we've all gotten over Hodor's death an have focused our collective outrage on dat sneaky bitch David Cameron once again, less get into the review.

First off, it seems Bran Squad's sacrifice was pointless, as Bran an Meera aka the character who's taken the most shit without complainin throughout the whole series (possibly) are surrounded by zombies. Meera goes in for a hug, an Bran immediately breaks out of his coma for a chance to lose his v-card before the walking dead extras rip them apart.
Unfortunately for a crippled boy's boner, a mysterious figure appears to fling some fireballs about and save dey asses. Good thing Hodor wasn't there really, or he'd have broken the horse's legs when he climbed on.
So as Bran desperately stores the memory of Meera hugging him in the VR wankbank, the stranger reveals himself to be Uncle Benji aka the North's Bear Grylls, who reveals he was jus cruisin about on a mental gap year lookin to tap some sweet Wilding pooss when the ice Nazis ganked his ass.

Since I've run out of offensive Sesame Street pictures, I'll jus use The Wire gifs instead.

And finally we get to see more of Samtard and Gilly and their Satan Spawn lookin ass adopted inbred Aryan child... future Joffrey or wateva. Anyway, I desperately tried to stay awake through their scenes for the first time ever, an I found out that Smatard's mum is a milf and also his dad's pretty much me but old-

...oh shit... does this mean... no... it can't be... 

AM I SAMTARD'S FATHER!!!!!?!??!?!?!?

Of course not, ya bish, it's a fictional TV show, an they ain't doing no Rock Digglesbee crossovers any time soon.

No one enjoys watching the re-enactment of her enemies' brutal deaths, before suddenly deciding that she ain't gonna slip some Cosby pills in Lady Crane's drink for Jacken HGlkKAR. Jacken aka Kurt Cobain takes the new surprisingly well, and rips off a dead guy's face. THAT'S METAL AS FUCK!!!

Back in incest land, the Lannisters get outsmarted by a demented old shoe maker. Margery looks fit as fuck. Her dad gives the most inspirational speech since Samuel L Jackson's "I have a dream, motherfucker" speech, despite lookin like he just fell through a Halloween costume shop on the way there.

Me when I found out that Margery wasn't gonna do the naked walk.

Samtard violates the terms of his probation by nicking his dad's sword and also a pack of Freddos from the local One Stop. Gilly remains on guard duty with her mouth hanging open as always lookin like Cletus offa the Simpsons.

Meanwhile, Jaime finally convinces Cersei to get #wincest trending again despite heavy competition from #shitparents and #savethegorillas(butonlyuntilwefindsomethingelsetogetoutragedat). Also his son fires him harder than the Nerf gun they used to rekill Charles Dance in that play.

The caretaker from Hogwarts is still stuck to his chair an complains that no one's cared about his mouldy ol ass since teh Red Wedding. He also brings the Blackfish hype! Oh, an dat dopey fucka what got married at the Red Wedding looks like he's loving the married lifestyle.

MVP of diss episode was... ah fuck it, it was Samtard. God, I hate myself for this... Runners up include the pissed off girl who hates No one and Margery's dad's hat.

Peace.