Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi

I notice a lotta bedwettas bin out on these Tweets chattin grease about the new Star Wars film. Bunch ov pasty, flabby, unshaven cretins lurkin outside they neighbour's house in the bushes, sweating that extra virgin olive oil, praying to Zeus that the god Rock Digglesbee aka Blogosphere Jones aka Fugazi Zirconium, don't see their ignorant ass ramblings. That being said, less chat sum shit about Star Wars Episode 8: Force Rehab aka Interracial Las Vegas Trip aka Leia Poppins.

These are your gods now.

So it kicks off wih Poe, still mad from being kicked out of the Teletubbies afta telling a Make-a-Wish kid to "go fuck a goat", making prank calls to General Fuxboi aka HyuxHyuckHyuck. Huxagon gets pissy an fucks shit up, even more than his buddy's ship got fucked up by an Asian kamikaze pilot (my granddad got Pearl Harbour flashbacks at this point). Poe gets a dressing down from Leia, which would have been on every man's bucket list back when the OG films came out, I can assure you.

Luke's pissed off that no one's been returning Christmas cards for like twenty years, so acts like a dick. 

Chloe Ren and Hux have a "You vs the Guy She Tells you not To worry About" moment in front of a wrinkled up wad of gum that has gained sentience and started calling itself Snoke. He tells Ren his Darth Vader cosplay is shit, and that Hux has better sux. Kylo smashes the helmet up.

Finn comes out of a coma and walks around spewing out vital fluids for a few minutes whilst everyone ignores him. I thought that only Americans ignored dying black men? Anyway, he meets a Chinese exchange student, who busts out the kinky stungun a bit too soon. Poe marries the two of them, and sends them on a honeymoon to Las Vegas. Admiral Ackbar gets killed but since no one apparently gives a fuck, Leia supermans her way back onto the ship. My granddad was still having flashbacks of the war at this point.

We can never eat sushi in peace.

Meanwhile Rey aka Bae is going through belated puberty. She fantasizes about naked Kylo Ren and sees Luke squezin out the ol blue milk. She also thinks about a dark, wet hole a lot, which I'm sure symbolises something else, but my mind is too fucked at this point. Chewie decimates the local wildlife and Luke tries to get R2 to show him some porn, but the magical trashcan still only got the same jerk-off material as 30 years ago. Poor Luke.

Anyway, Finn and Rose get thrown in jail for parking in a disabled space, or just because Finn's black, I dunno. They meet a strange man dressed as a flasher, who acts like Johnny Depp, except he isn't annoying as fuck. They bust some space llamas out and smash up some casinos, before remembering they need to go save Poe an the others.

Rey decides to leave the old man to go meet her Tinder date, except Kylo catfishes her. Elsewhere, Phasma aka I just got this armour painted so don't dent it, captures Finn an Rose whilst Stuttering Steve aka Porky Pig fucks off with a pile of cash. 

Yoda haunts Luke then burns down a temple for shits an giggles. 

Snoke channels Harvey Weinstein to give Rey the worst job interview of all time. The ugly fetus, sliced up rotten avocado lookin mufucka then gets Darth Maul'd by Kylo. It was almost as if you could hear a million batshit theories die with him. His guards realise something fishy has happened so Team ReyRen assembles to kick ass. 

Without Admiral Ackbar to tellem what's what, the rebels fall into a trap. Candyfloss aka Leia's Secretary aka Willy Wonka's Bisexual Daughter crashes a fuckin ship into Snoke's star destroyer after waiting for hours to die. 

Guess this guy was important.

Rey and Ren argue about who gets to play with Luke's lightsaber and end up snapping it in half like a pair of retards. Meanwhile, Phasma, an elite stormtrooper trained for combat her whole life, gets her ass whupped by Finn, a bloke who woke up from a coma only a few days ago. Phasma Boba Fetts to her death, and Finn, Rose and BB8 the magical coconut aka the best hacker in any film escape to the planet of salt. It's where the guys who make the DC films live.

The First Order drops some walkers... making them Ready Salted Walkers (haha). Finn is gettin sick of his clingy new girlfriend and tries to fly into a fucking cannon, but she crashes her ship into his (again, grandpa was freakin out). Luke rocks up to tell Kylo "1v1 me, pleb" which he does. But wait... Force-ception. Luke was never real! 

Luke just gives up an dies. We've all bin there pal! Meanwhile, Poe and the rebels Snow White their way out of the salt mines by following some glitter-critters. Rey benchpresses like 250 to get the boulders out their way and Finn immediately ditches Rose to go hug her. 

It ends with a kid sweeping, as happens in the cinema at the end of every film. CRAZY!

So yeah, this film is like a child, you might think it's a massive disappointment, you might think you sacrificed your partner's poontang/Admiral Ackbar for nothing, but I still don't give a shit, and I hate children, but the point is, it's a good film.

Peace