Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 5: Hold the Tears...

S... s... sup yall too much deodorant using wet noises, iss ya... boi... WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WHY???
Ahem, less get started before my anti-depressants wear off. Ha, only joking, I don't use anti-depressants - I only took a shitload of horse tranquillisers and sniffed some glue sticks.

So in this episode Dickless Whittington an his miserable goth sister try to win an election by pandering to a bunch of impressionable Viking looking bikers. Then their creepy uncle shows up like that friend who always has better jokes than you, an insults Theon for not knowin which public toilets he has to use now. Then the Drowned God Al-Quaeda throw him into the sea and awkwardly stand around wonderin why he's not breathing and if anyone knows CPR. Fortunately, Euron Trouble Now wakes up and wants to kill his niece and nephew. Probly had some sort of freaky near death experience induced hallucination where his crown wasn't just a tacky Christmas decoration.

Meanwhile, Lilfinga rolls up lookin smug as shit like some snakey used car salesman ass mufucka, but gets his ass lit up by Sansa. The most important thing here is that ya boi BLACKFISH is mentioned, an ya boi Davos the Hypebringer calls him a LEGEND!!!! BLACKFISH CONFURMET!!!

Game of Thrones spin-off confirmed!

Jorah makes a last ditch attempt to leap free of the friendzone, but gets told ta fuck off until he cures his super-herpes. His line about his dick being solid stone now just didn't cut it unfortunately.

Next ya boi Charles Xavier watched a man getting penetrated by some alien lookin lizard thangs, which, I mean, hey, Bran, ole buddy, it's yo fetish, bud, I mean, damn son, you tried to ave a cheeky wank to some incest in the first episode an look where that got you. Surely, nothing worse can happen because of Bran being a stupid kid, right?

No one went to watch a shitty movie. She talked with Jaken Inarticulate Throat Clearing Noise about it, an apparently he's heard good things but he's currently marathoning season 3 of Breaking Bad. Arya reveals spoilers so we're subjected by a giant naked warty dick taking up the screen as punishment.

But at least it wasn't this one.

 So the end grows near. But Bran tries to play COD whilst the stoned tree bloke takes an afternoon nap watching amputee porn on his VR gear. Unfortunately, Bran pisses off some mental fuckin Albanians by calling their mums slags on Xbox Live. They send the original Mr Whippee aka Mr Freeze aka Ice to meet you aka Darth Maul's Norwegian cousin with his albino mafia and some crack addicts to fuck im up.
Bran squad ain't ready for Wave 3 of zombies yet as old goth man warned him. But Bran Flakes insists on bein a shite team mate an tells them he has a plan.

Pictured: the result.

As Bran falls into a magic mushroom induced coma, Meera an the leprechauns try to fight off zombies an get Hodor to reconnect his controller so he can actually help them. Shit goes down hill afta Hodor wakes up. Olaf from Frozen strolls in like the final boss an just strate up disintegrates that old fucker by slicin his ass up like he was Kylo Ren or sum shit.

Summer jumps in and dies because winter has come and symbolism is great an all that but is it ironic that the wolf called Ghost is the only one doin ok at the moment for all we know. I like to think my dog would try to defend me from zombies but he's a pussy so he'd probly jus wag his tail and lick them til they legs fell off. 

The final four make a run for it, desperately wantin Bran to find the batteries for his controller quickly. The last lizard person decides to kill herself to buy them an extra two seconds with her magical Molotov cocktail. 

They make it out the door... but how do they keep it shut? Luckily, Bran mind rapes Hodor into becoming Hodor during a panic so that Hodor is Hodor enough to be Hodor in the future ensuring that Hodor can hold the door and Hodor the Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor.

RIP Bran Squad Bros: the Wolf of Symbolstreet, the Crow Bro, the Reptilian Master Race, my belief in me not being able to feel sadness and finally the MAN, the MYTH, the LEGEND, the HODOR! HE HELD THAT FUCKIN DOOR!!!!

MVP of this episode is Hodor. Although runners up include Edd, who finally realised he'd been left in charge an now had to deal wit the paperwork of a dude comin back to life and just abandoning the Wall, Tormund's creepy smile to Captain Phasma, and MUFAFUCKIN BLACKFISH, BISH!

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 4: RIP Non Nudity Clause

Previously on the Rock Digglesbee Report...

"Emilia Clarke's non nudity clause almost became another one to add onto the pile of dead bodies, but impossible camera angles preserved her dignity" - Rock "the Rock" Digglesbee, 2016

...well, damn, I've never been happier at being wrong. DEM TATTAES DOE!!!!
When dey was all bowing an shit, an Jorah just had to have a lil peek at dem twin dragon heads, like damn, this was probly his MakeAWish wish or sum shit. Meanwhile, he can tell his boy Super Dario that she really is fire retardant. I mean, shit son, you'd think one of Khal Brogo's bros would at least have a little bit of fire safety training. I like to think dat the bloke who they turned into a lumpy strawberry ice cream with that giant boulder was the designated fire marshal, and dat that was their plan all along.

Speaking of tits, Theon went home an got roasted by his sister for being a spineless (read: dickless) lil biatch. He was apologising more times than Jeremy Hunt with appendicitis (ha, relevant). But fuck im, less get back to the good type ov tits.

Still praying for her to release the battleships!

So that bitch ass pussy ass stupid ass lanky ass inbred ass Aryan mufucka Tommo aka Joffrey V.2 now with 100% less backbone made an appearance to put a stop to any hopes for Margy's nude stroll through town. Fuck man, it ain't like anyone would throw shit at her or anythin man, they'd all be busy snappin dat shit on dere medieval iPhones or burning the memory into their wankbanks.

Margery herself appeared to listen to Stoned Sparrow blaze it up and ramble about how shoes are just like, you know, poor people an shit, you know... Her goofy doofus ass brotha was all cryin an shit too, probly cuz he jus saw the trailer for dat new Ghostbusters film.

Jon Snuh reunited with his sister through his mystical ginger magnetism powers. Ramsey sent them a letter basiclly challenging Snowlo to rap battle an insultin an army of violent murderers who owe Jonny boy their lives... smart moves Ramsey. This letter basically boiled down to "lol m9 1v1 me on Da Norf map pack bish I fuckt yor sistur faggit lol cum an see bastard ps i got yo lil brotha an I'm gonna make him dress up like Sansa whils i go full Saville on his ass bastard come an see!".

Also Briene rolled up on Badgerbeard and GILFassandre to inform them politely that she lopped their boss's head off an that they probly will be next and also they ain't invited to her dinner with Jon an Sansa an the Bear an Pod and King Edd of the Wall, who's so lazy he's still letting Jon get all the letters adressed to the Lord Commander. Smart bloke, he'll probly be the last one standin at the Wall after all this shit... although, given my previous predictions, he's probably gonna be incinerated by a dragon in the nex episode.

In our weekly reminded that Ramsey's a bit of a cunt, he ganked that girl from the Harry Potter films... she was in one of the better ones anyway. Nice of her to come back for those five minutes of screen time since 2004 or weneva she disappeared off ta Sesame Street.

It's still safer for Rickon than going home.

Anyway, that's all I got diss week, fuckas.
MVP of the episode was definitely Danaereola's titties doe. PEACE!

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 3: Your Father was a Cunt

Sup bishes, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Decapitated Pet Presentation (my new screamo band name) aka Yeastmaster aka Tony Stank.

So this episode was all sorts ov fun. We had ya boi Qyburn aka FranQybstein handin out sweets to abused lil kids in his torture chamber. We had wolf heads being used as paperweights by some guy who became my favourite character the minute he called Bolton Senior a cunt... multiple times... to his son's face. We also had an old fucka shart during a meeting when Sir Headsquasher Esquire emerged.

Oh... and I've never been happier to see the suffocation of a child! Fuck, that came out wrong! I sound like some kind of demented scumba-

...well, I mean...

...

Anyways... enough about my happy and mature sense of humour, you stinky cum crusts.

Meanwhile, Tyrion Tah God was busy conductin marriage councillin for a slave and a castrated man. They both got pissed off cuz Grey Worm waz complainin about needed a special separate set of public toilets for dudes wid no dicks, but then King of the Cockless aka "Who's yo favrite Game of Thrownes characta?" "It VARYS!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!" waltzes in like my boss ten minutes into the morning meeting and throws all the exciting chat about petrol out the damn window.

Emilia Clarke's non nudity clause almost became another one to add onto the pile of dead bodies, but impossible camera angles preserved her dignity so I had to go back to watch Season 1 to get my daily dose of dragon queen tits.

However, despite all the menacing dickless bald blokes, teenagers gettin sliced up by medieval General Grevious, Bran To The Future escapades, and Gordon Ramsey lookalike hangings, I was still unprepared for the most disgustin sight Game of Thrones has eva revealed. Some say that MILF... I mean GILFassandre's wrinkly, haunted ole bacon taco was the worst thing they've seen, some say Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, however these both pale in comparison to the fuckin ATROCIOUS scene which was thrust upon my unsuspectin eyes during this episode...

This cunt.

So we got to see Samtard once again. He threw up a couple times and generally acted like a pissy little bitch. But, hey, Gilly looks hotter than I remember. But they're both still the character equivalents of geometry and celery: they're both individually boring and together they're still fuckin boring. Also the Ageless Baby has finally grown his first hairs after recently celebrating his two thousandth birthday with a sacrifice to the devil.

No one got to train how to fight blind... and then got her sight back... nice plan there, Creeping Jesus.

And finally, fuckin Beardy McBeardface aka the son of that bloke what got his fuckn fingers nibbled off by Robb's wolf in like Season 2 showed up to claim this week's trophy for MVP of the episode. He called Ramsey's papa a cunt, a cunt, and a cunt. Despite his colossal balls of steel effecting the rotation of the earth with their sheer ballsiness, the crazy bastard wasn't done jus yet, bois an gurls. He brought out ma boy Rickon for the Stark Final Reunion Tour. Then slammed his dead wolf's head down on the table... and the internet exploded into denial. Between this and the fucken bloodhounds, I'm beginnin ta think Game of Thrones fans like animals more than other humans. 

Anyway, until next time, peace.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 2: Splat! Woof! Gasp!

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Doobie Doo aka Mr "I like long, moonlit walks on unstable bridges" and do yall have a minute to talk about the lord and saviour Jon Snow? Muhfucka straight up rose up like fuckin Tupac in Cuba or sum shit! It'd be great if all he can say from now on is jus internet memes tho.

Edd: Hooray, you came back!
Jon: Edd, you smart... you loyal!
Edd: Uh, yeah, but anyway, there's some redhead woman to see you.
Jon: Another one!
Edd stabs Jon repeatedly. Ollie nods.

Anyway, sum otha shit occurred so let's git into it!

So Bolton Junior Han Solo'd his daddy afta hearin too much about how his new wife has SOOO much cushin for the pushin. After old Roose got poisoned by his enemies and started a medieval game of Cluedo which includes pretty much everyone as a suspect, the lovable scamp Ramsay takes his lil brother to see his pet doggies. Unfortunately, the dogs haven't seen the bloodhounds that disappeared last episode come back yet, so they were pissed and assumed the BBW had eaten them as a pregnancy craving. In all honesty it was probly the hardest to watch scene of the series so far...

...meh, don't lie, you'd tap that too.

Elsewhere, a drunk man got a slap round the head for pissin in the street. It seems the Mountain just can't put his head crushing glory days in the past yet. Oh, an he's also banned from all funerals because of this melon squashing addiction.

Another wall and giant combo claimed a life as Edd and the Boiz rolled up to avenge Jonstipated aka Jon Sneezus. That giant straight up turned a dude into a squashed ketchup packet, like some raging chubby kid who ain't allowed no extra chicken nuggets at Maccies. Davos awkwardly flirts with the redhead, an the episode sort of veers off into rom-com territory with him saying she makes him believe in miracles and shit.

Meanwhile, Theon wants to go looking for his dick, but Sansa assures him that its probly rotted and decomposed by now. He suggests cutting off the horse's dick and sellotaping that on instead, but Podrick aka Droppin Dat Fiah Mixtape on Dis Campfiah Bruh reminds everyone that he's vegan and animals have feelings an emotions and twenty different genders and Brienne ponders killing him.

Back at Theon's dingy shithole home, Wales, his dad goes for a relaxing stroll across a rickety bridge in the middle of a fuckin monsoon. His brother aka a young Hulk Hogan shows up and tries to convince him to join his Mariachi band as a tambourine player. Unfortunately, what is dead may never die, and he dies trying to kill his brother's dream of making it in the music industry. His brother later sings an inspirational song at the funeral: "WAKE ME UP INSIDE!!!! CAN'T WAKE-

Bran aka token disabled person now that Prince Hot Wheels is dead aka Charles Xavier returns to have some sorta Ghost of Christmas Past type flashbacks. He sees his dad and his uncle (who no one cares about being missing since the first fucken season!!!) but more importantly Hodor appears... AND HE CAN FUCKIN TALK LIKE A REAL PERSON NOT JUST LIKE A FUCKIN POKEMON!

Tyrion gets drunk and gets his dickless buddy to record his attempt at the "Roast Me" Challenge. Too bad he sobers up and gets teh fuck outta dere before being barbecued afta he tells the dragons he shagged their mum.

"Is that... DWARF PENIS!!! IT HAS MAGIC POWERS, YOU KNOW!!!"

 Other odds an ends:
-Cosplaying Jesus returns to mock a girl for forgetting her own name.
-Bran gets friend zoned by the only girl he's seen in years.
-That other girl knockin about at that tree lookin like the kid of dat giant herpes sore bloke from Suicide Squad.
-Still no Samtard in sight!
-Oh, and Jon Snow came back.

This week's MVP was mah boi Ramsay. Juss a straight up endearing and likeable character who I absolutely think will survive til the end of the series.