Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 5: Hold the Tears...

S... s... sup yall too much deodorant using wet noises, iss ya... boi... WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WHY???
Ahem, less get started before my anti-depressants wear off. Ha, only joking, I don't use anti-depressants - I only took a shitload of horse tranquillisers and sniffed some glue sticks.

So in this episode Dickless Whittington an his miserable goth sister try to win an election by pandering to a bunch of impressionable Viking looking bikers. Then their creepy uncle shows up like that friend who always has better jokes than you, an insults Theon for not knowin which public toilets he has to use now. Then the Drowned God Al-Quaeda throw him into the sea and awkwardly stand around wonderin why he's not breathing and if anyone knows CPR. Fortunately, Euron Trouble Now wakes up and wants to kill his niece and nephew. Probly had some sort of freaky near death experience induced hallucination where his crown wasn't just a tacky Christmas decoration.

Meanwhile, Lilfinga rolls up lookin smug as shit like some snakey used car salesman ass mufucka, but gets his ass lit up by Sansa. The most important thing here is that ya boi BLACKFISH is mentioned, an ya boi Davos the Hypebringer calls him a LEGEND!!!! BLACKFISH CONFURMET!!!

Game of Thrones spin-off confirmed!

Jorah makes a last ditch attempt to leap free of the friendzone, but gets told ta fuck off until he cures his super-herpes. His line about his dick being solid stone now just didn't cut it unfortunately.

Next ya boi Charles Xavier watched a man getting penetrated by some alien lookin lizard thangs, which, I mean, hey, Bran, ole buddy, it's yo fetish, bud, I mean, damn son, you tried to ave a cheeky wank to some incest in the first episode an look where that got you. Surely, nothing worse can happen because of Bran being a stupid kid, right?

No one went to watch a shitty movie. She talked with Jaken Inarticulate Throat Clearing Noise about it, an apparently he's heard good things but he's currently marathoning season 3 of Breaking Bad. Arya reveals spoilers so we're subjected by a giant naked warty dick taking up the screen as punishment.

But at least it wasn't this one.

 So the end grows near. But Bran tries to play COD whilst the stoned tree bloke takes an afternoon nap watching amputee porn on his VR gear. Unfortunately, Bran pisses off some mental fuckin Albanians by calling their mums slags on Xbox Live. They send the original Mr Whippee aka Mr Freeze aka Ice to meet you aka Darth Maul's Norwegian cousin with his albino mafia and some crack addicts to fuck im up.
Bran squad ain't ready for Wave 3 of zombies yet as old goth man warned him. But Bran Flakes insists on bein a shite team mate an tells them he has a plan.

Pictured: the result.

As Bran falls into a magic mushroom induced coma, Meera an the leprechauns try to fight off zombies an get Hodor to reconnect his controller so he can actually help them. Shit goes down hill afta Hodor wakes up. Olaf from Frozen strolls in like the final boss an just strate up disintegrates that old fucker by slicin his ass up like he was Kylo Ren or sum shit.

Summer jumps in and dies because winter has come and symbolism is great an all that but is it ironic that the wolf called Ghost is the only one doin ok at the moment for all we know. I like to think my dog would try to defend me from zombies but he's a pussy so he'd probly jus wag his tail and lick them til they legs fell off. 

The final four make a run for it, desperately wantin Bran to find the batteries for his controller quickly. The last lizard person decides to kill herself to buy them an extra two seconds with her magical Molotov cocktail. 

They make it out the door... but how do they keep it shut? Luckily, Bran mind rapes Hodor into becoming Hodor during a panic so that Hodor is Hodor enough to be Hodor in the future ensuring that Hodor can hold the door and Hodor the Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor.

RIP Bran Squad Bros: the Wolf of Symbolstreet, the Crow Bro, the Reptilian Master Race, my belief in me not being able to feel sadness and finally the MAN, the MYTH, the LEGEND, the HODOR! HE HELD THAT FUCKIN DOOR!!!!

MVP of this episode is Hodor. Although runners up include Edd, who finally realised he'd been left in charge an now had to deal wit the paperwork of a dude comin back to life and just abandoning the Wall, Tormund's creepy smile to Captain Phasma, and MUFAFUCKIN BLACKFISH, BISH!