Rock's Roundup: Jan 17

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Ganesh's left Testicle aka Longest Yeah Boi since 2016, an I'm jus gonna throw out sum shit about January of wateva year it is.

It started off promising since 2016 was over... except we was wrong... 2017 is basically shaping up to be 2016 Part 2. Donald Trump is the most powerful man in the world, celebrities are still dying and the Emoji movie is coming out soon. We are livin in the end of days, I think there's sum shit in the Bible about this, but Iunno.

So in the last few days, Donnie Trump aka the Annoying Orange's Fully Evolved Form aka the Living Tanline aka Boss of the Lollipop Guild aka Mr Provides His own Sign Language, has banned Muslims from a couple of the sandy countries from comin to America. This has caused outrage, because now everyone else wants to make sure he bans their group from America to, I mean, no one wants to accidentally end up in America, Also, none of the countries with links to 9/11 were banned either, which is a trifle suss. Apparently, he also fired every single US ambassador without finding any replacements. He's like Mr Burns at this point. Ol Terry May aka "I start my day with a healthy bowl of Brexit cereal" went to visit him, an looked like a carer taking a dementia patient on a tour of the nursing home. Trump's inauguration earlier in the month was so surreal to witness that I just expected him to initiate the Mannequin Challenge with the crowd, or that Hillary would show up and bash im in the ed with a steel chair while Bernie Sanders closelined George Bush poncho wearin, Jenga supreme champion ass into the crowd.

In the world of entertainment, the next Star Wars title was revealed as the Last Yareal, and will chronicle Yareal Poof's conversion to Islamic extremism. Rogue One made a billy at the box office, and Beorge Blucas responded by visiting a grief counsellor. John Hurt died- RIP. The Oscar nominees were announced and there was an overwhelming response of "who the fuck cares". Although I suppose the "in memory of" sequence for last year will take up most of the time, I can't wait to see Meryl Streep's response to Top Trump's tantrums.

Anyway thass all I can think of rite now... Peace.

Fantastic Beasts

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka the guy whose name coincidentally ends up sounding like a Harry Potter spell aka Dankledore aka the Omnipotent Burnt Toast an I'm here to give sum thoughts on dis new Harry Potter spin off aka Fantastic Beasts aka J.K Rowling needs a new diamond encrusted toothbrush aka Jupiter Ascending but actually good. Less get into it.

This is the only research I've done into Harry Potter.

So Eddie Redmayne plays the upperclass alternate universe version of Stephen Hawking but instead of being wheelchair bound, he just awkwardly gangles all over the place and seems to be schizophrenic. He creates horrifying CGI abominations in his magical suitcase lab, and abducts an obese Jew when several of them try to flee his abusive tyranny. 

Together with an American woman who can't even eat a hotdog properly and her stereotypical blonde slutty sister, Unsteady Eddie and his new pet fat man must capture a horny radioactive rhino that can vomit napalm, a shoplifting platypus that keeps enough gold to buy Zimbabwe inside of a bottomless camel-toe, and a stoned sloth with invisibility powers. They also catch a dragon bird thing inside a teapot at one point. Other animals Newt Scabbbymaster abuses in his quest for power include a death yoyo that turns into a flying squirrel and a disgusting green stick insect that he whores out to Ron Perlman at one point.

Unfortunately, as history will point out, Americans are idiots, and arrest Newt Salamander out of spit for England abandoning America like the ginger, vegan, dubstep loving, mouthy unwanted child that they turned out to be. Meanwhile, the wizard equivalent of grooming for terrorism occurs as a creepy man in a scarf gives a lanky emo a necklace, which causes him to go full Red Wedding on his adopted family. Fortunately, Newt Scavenger escapes prison with Goldstain who is now bae, and they try to stop Johnny Depp from popping up in the film.

Oh bollocks!

So, as Newt Sadamanda calmly tries to convince the rampaging demonic emo to please stop destroying New York, the Americans come steaming in and blast the shit out of dat lil bitch as is their custom. Trump cheers in the background, Johnny Depp manages to materialise in the film through the power of cocaine, and Eddie Redmayne struggles to talk to girls. In the end, he releases the fat man so that all his happy memories can be destroyed and also unleashes a gigantic eagle dragon to hunt down and kill anyone who ever talked shit about his acting in Jupiter Ascending.

So thass about it for Bantastic Feasts. In conclusion, I'd say it's pretty accurate in showing how useless and unhealthy Americans are and how terrifying the idea of being fucked by a huge, glowing mutated rhino is (terrifying enough to make a fat man run, that's how).

Peace!

Rogue One

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka the Dank Panther aka Yareal Goof, I jus got done celebratin the New Year by collecting all the money I made betting on celebrity deaths and then Tweetin 2017 spoilers out such as "Iss gon be anotha shite year ya bish" and "can't wait til celebrities keep dying this year!" cuz I'm jus that fuckin edgy. Anyways less go through Star Wars Episode 3.9 Rouge One aka Saving Private Leia aka We Are Number One But Every Time I Give Away A Major Spoiler, Your Favourite Character Dies. Less GO!

"Hope you hate sand, bitches!"

So afta the Klan rock up and snatch up some miserable farmer to help finish the Death Star, retarded Stormtroopers who sound like Steven Hawking going through a carwash when they speak fail to catch a small girl. The girl grows up to become Gin Or So or somethin and naturally excels in life after her father ditched her... nah, jokes, she's in jail. Luckily, European Han Solo has murdered a panicking fat man and plans to break her out to help find Forest Whitaker to help find a pilot to help find her dad to help find Death Star plans. Meanwhile, a pilot is taken to be fed to a giant squid in scenes reminding me of Japanese porn afta Saw What You Did There Gurera aka too poor to get a wheelchair aka where's my inhaler decides he looks too much like Fidel Castro with his weak ass facial hair.

Jen and the bois roll up on some sandy ass planet to stop Vader comin after them, but still fuck up and get rekt by fucking Stormtroopers. Thankfully, a Vietnamese soldier nearby relives a violent flashback and kills the Stormtroopers thanks to their armour being made out of papier mache and old chewing gum due to budget cuts. His scruffy Mongolian friend also spawn kills some otha Stormtroopers.
Soon after, Are you Tarkin to me? fires the Death Star at the holy city in Donad Trump like moves, and Forest Whitaker decides to try and inhale the resulting storm of dust and finally end his suffering. Unfortunately, Disney confirms his death is not canon. Also the child that Jin saved back in town... died anyway. NOICE!
So then the crew (now 60% more multicultural) arrives in Scotland in the middle of its yearlong rainy season. Pube-beard Bodie and Han Euro go on a Brokeback Mountain style hiking trip, but Jean gets suspicious and then the blind dude hears the word "pussy" and straight up pulls a Jesus in the Bible type stunt on his quest for the poontang. Unfortunately there is no pussy, except Krennic who was so humiliated afta Darth Vader hit him with a dad joke (dad choke?) that he killed some old white dudes. Feminists and Clinton supporters applauded the bold move. Then shit kicks off propa, and Big Poppa, the World Stoppa gets killed, and Bodie's all like "Err so... wat now... get it ERSO!". So straight C3PO kills him and uses his body as a puppet for the rest of the film. No one notices or cares.
Jin gets pissed that the rebels are thinking of breaking up and convinces the crew to go on one final tour, however she ends up accidentally leading them on a suicide mission.
They arrive on Scarif and things start to go wrong immediately. First of all Bodie regains control of his body and starts pissing about with an extension cord. RoastBot 2000 gets shot at by millions of Stormtroopers and some accidentally manage to hit him, even though he's a gigantic seven foot robot and that's like shooting a bit of dust off a grain of rice for a Stormtrooper. Krennic aka Assassin's Creed fashion model shoots Juan Solo and then corners Jyn on the balcony afta she manages to find the PSP game cartridge containing the Death Star plans. Instead of jus killing her, he's a good sport and lets Ca$$ian kill him for a laugh. Admiral Ackbar's uncle knocks down a couple ov Star Destroyers for chatting shit to him on Battlefront. Bodie manages to get killed properly, but no one notices because the Chinese man just avoided getting shot like it was a miracle... but less face it, it was Stormtroopers shooting at him so iss not that impressive. Then he dies. Then his homeless buddy gets converted and dies. Then Tarkin fires the Death Star at the base where half his army is now fighting about three remaining rebels. Still I've had worse managers. Jyn and Captain Cash Money have a little cuddle but she then tells him she has a boyfriend and he wonders if he has enough time to block her on Facebook before they are obliterated.
Then an asthmatic walks into a bar... and kills everyone. Surviving rebels recall hearing him mutter "did a bitch just mention sand up in here!". He then watches his daughter go out dressed like a slut and goes after her to embarrass her in front of her friends: "You need to have a Leia down" "Luke at what you've done" and "bet you was Chewie-ing on some DICK tonight!". Vader makes dad jokes now.

"As an atheist, I find your lack of faith... reasonable."

So yeah, thass all I got to say. RIP to Carrie Fisher. Peace.