Fantastic Beasts

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka the guy whose name coincidentally ends up sounding like a Harry Potter spell aka Dankledore aka the Omnipotent Burnt Toast an I'm here to give sum thoughts on dis new Harry Potter spin off aka Fantastic Beasts aka J.K Rowling needs a new diamond encrusted toothbrush aka Jupiter Ascending but actually good. Less get into it.

This is the only research I've done into Harry Potter.

So Eddie Redmayne plays the upperclass alternate universe version of Stephen Hawking but instead of being wheelchair bound, he just awkwardly gangles all over the place and seems to be schizophrenic. He creates horrifying CGI abominations in his magical suitcase lab, and abducts an obese Jew when several of them try to flee his abusive tyranny. 

Together with an American woman who can't even eat a hotdog properly and her stereotypical blonde slutty sister, Unsteady Eddie and his new pet fat man must capture a horny radioactive rhino that can vomit napalm, a shoplifting platypus that keeps enough gold to buy Zimbabwe inside of a bottomless camel-toe, and a stoned sloth with invisibility powers. They also catch a dragon bird thing inside a teapot at one point. Other animals Newt Scabbbymaster abuses in his quest for power include a death yoyo that turns into a flying squirrel and a disgusting green stick insect that he whores out to Ron Perlman at one point.

Unfortunately, as history will point out, Americans are idiots, and arrest Newt Salamander out of spit for England abandoning America like the ginger, vegan, dubstep loving, mouthy unwanted child that they turned out to be. Meanwhile, the wizard equivalent of grooming for terrorism occurs as a creepy man in a scarf gives a lanky emo a necklace, which causes him to go full Red Wedding on his adopted family. Fortunately, Newt Scavenger escapes prison with Goldstain who is now bae, and they try to stop Johnny Depp from popping up in the film.

Oh bollocks!

So, as Newt Sadamanda calmly tries to convince the rampaging demonic emo to please stop destroying New York, the Americans come steaming in and blast the shit out of dat lil bitch as is their custom. Trump cheers in the background, Johnny Depp manages to materialise in the film through the power of cocaine, and Eddie Redmayne struggles to talk to girls. In the end, he releases the fat man so that all his happy memories can be destroyed and also unleashes a gigantic eagle dragon to hunt down and kill anyone who ever talked shit about his acting in Jupiter Ascending.

So thass about it for Bantastic Feasts. In conclusion, I'd say it's pretty accurate in showing how useless and unhealthy Americans are and how terrifying the idea of being fucked by a huge, glowing mutated rhino is (terrifying enough to make a fat man run, that's how).

Peace!