Rogue One

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka the Dank Panther aka Yareal Goof, I jus got done celebratin the New Year by collecting all the money I made betting on celebrity deaths and then Tweetin 2017 spoilers out such as "Iss gon be anotha shite year ya bish" and "can't wait til celebrities keep dying this year!" cuz I'm jus that fuckin edgy. Anyways less go through Star Wars Episode 3.9 Rouge One aka Saving Private Leia aka We Are Number One But Every Time I Give Away A Major Spoiler, Your Favourite Character Dies. Less GO!

"Hope you hate sand, bitches!"

So afta the Klan rock up and snatch up some miserable farmer to help finish the Death Star, retarded Stormtroopers who sound like Steven Hawking going through a carwash when they speak fail to catch a small girl. The girl grows up to become Gin Or So or somethin and naturally excels in life after her father ditched her... nah, jokes, she's in jail. Luckily, European Han Solo has murdered a panicking fat man and plans to break her out to help find Forest Whitaker to help find a pilot to help find her dad to help find Death Star plans. Meanwhile, a pilot is taken to be fed to a giant squid in scenes reminding me of Japanese porn afta Saw What You Did There Gurera aka too poor to get a wheelchair aka where's my inhaler decides he looks too much like Fidel Castro with his weak ass facial hair.

Jen and the bois roll up on some sandy ass planet to stop Vader comin after them, but still fuck up and get rekt by fucking Stormtroopers. Thankfully, a Vietnamese soldier nearby relives a violent flashback and kills the Stormtroopers thanks to their armour being made out of papier mache and old chewing gum due to budget cuts. His scruffy Mongolian friend also spawn kills some otha Stormtroopers.
Soon after, Are you Tarkin to me? fires the Death Star at the holy city in Donad Trump like moves, and Forest Whitaker decides to try and inhale the resulting storm of dust and finally end his suffering. Unfortunately, Disney confirms his death is not canon. Also the child that Jin saved back in town... died anyway. NOICE!
So then the crew (now 60% more multicultural) arrives in Scotland in the middle of its yearlong rainy season. Pube-beard Bodie and Han Euro go on a Brokeback Mountain style hiking trip, but Jean gets suspicious and then the blind dude hears the word "pussy" and straight up pulls a Jesus in the Bible type stunt on his quest for the poontang. Unfortunately there is no pussy, except Krennic who was so humiliated afta Darth Vader hit him with a dad joke (dad choke?) that he killed some old white dudes. Feminists and Clinton supporters applauded the bold move. Then shit kicks off propa, and Big Poppa, the World Stoppa gets killed, and Bodie's all like "Err so... wat now... get it ERSO!". So straight C3PO kills him and uses his body as a puppet for the rest of the film. No one notices or cares.
Jin gets pissed that the rebels are thinking of breaking up and convinces the crew to go on one final tour, however she ends up accidentally leading them on a suicide mission.
They arrive on Scarif and things start to go wrong immediately. First of all Bodie regains control of his body and starts pissing about with an extension cord. RoastBot 2000 gets shot at by millions of Stormtroopers and some accidentally manage to hit him, even though he's a gigantic seven foot robot and that's like shooting a bit of dust off a grain of rice for a Stormtrooper. Krennic aka Assassin's Creed fashion model shoots Juan Solo and then corners Jyn on the balcony afta she manages to find the PSP game cartridge containing the Death Star plans. Instead of jus killing her, he's a good sport and lets Ca$$ian kill him for a laugh. Admiral Ackbar's uncle knocks down a couple ov Star Destroyers for chatting shit to him on Battlefront. Bodie manages to get killed properly, but no one notices because the Chinese man just avoided getting shot like it was a miracle... but less face it, it was Stormtroopers shooting at him so iss not that impressive. Then he dies. Then his homeless buddy gets converted and dies. Then Tarkin fires the Death Star at the base where half his army is now fighting about three remaining rebels. Still I've had worse managers. Jyn and Captain Cash Money have a little cuddle but she then tells him she has a boyfriend and he wonders if he has enough time to block her on Facebook before they are obliterated.
Then an asthmatic walks into a bar... and kills everyone. Surviving rebels recall hearing him mutter "did a bitch just mention sand up in here!". He then watches his daughter go out dressed like a slut and goes after her to embarrass her in front of her friends: "You need to have a Leia down" "Luke at what you've done" and "bet you was Chewie-ing on some DICK tonight!". Vader makes dad jokes now.

"As an atheist, I find your lack of faith... reasonable."

So yeah, thass all I got to say. RIP to Carrie Fisher. Peace.