Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 2: Why Eating Pie for Dinner was a Mistake

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka the Sixth Beatle aka the bloke who killed Uncle Ben aka Nunfucker Chuck, here's mah views on the sex... I mean sexcond episode. Oh, and, don't eat anything crusty or scab looking whilst watching this un.

"Turns out I have mega-syphilis."

Less talk about blokes gettin their veggies lopped off. That seemed a major theme in today's episode. Grey Worm compensates by takin some lessons from Jon Snow aka the puss whisperer. Varys compensates by being a generally sus bloke who wears a dressing gown all over the shop, but at least the boy still reps the streets. Theon aka the dickless fishman aka the Fuckboi Wonder, decides to rage quit afta his creepy uncle makes a joke about his man-luggage going walkabouts. Meanwhile, Dyke-al Phelps aka the only one in the family getting any poon, is gettin taken away to be bridesmaid at Euron and Cersei's wedding. Oh, and two thirds of the Sand Snacks got decimated in a strange kinky type ov fight. Euron got stabbed in the nuts an never gave up. Employee of da year!
Also Euron's entry was like something outta WWE. Glorious shit

Samwell decides giving impromptu skin grafts is a respectable hobby. I threw up my dinner. Jorah wonders why he even bothered talkin to the weirdos at the Vatican or whereva the fuck they are. Nex episode they'll discover he cudda just popped some antibiotics to clear his skin right up. Man's out lookin like a half-burnt marshmellow.

The fire cult continues to pop up. MelisAndre the Giant rolls up to tell Danny she once banged Stannis on her meeting room table. Then gets embarrassed when she gets corrected on her own religious beliefs by a former slavegirl. LOL!

Smooth...

Anyway, Samwell's pa gets gobby to the man with the golden fingerblasts. Meanwhile, Dr Frankenstein aka feel the Qyburn bullshits about inventing crossbows. Luckily Cersei has never been into her basement before so gets moist when the arrow goes through a mouldy 200 year old skull. Can't wait til the crossbow bolts just bounce offa the dragon's scales in the finale, and Qyburn jus dips outta there to go get some poon in Dorne.

Arya runs into the fat kid she used to bully in school aka REMEMBER THAT KID, THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NOW. She then finds her lost dog, but she's too big to get through a doggie flap now so bounces. Jon fucks off from his new crib afta everyone starts plotting. He knows what happened to his brother. Lil Finga gives him the ol "I wanted to fuck yer step-mum, but now she dead so I wanna stick the old ham cannon up in yo sister, anyway, peace out future brother in law."

Anyway, I gotta go delete my co-workers offa Facebook before they discover Rocky Daggenstein's masterpieces an start exposing me on Jeremy Kyle or sum shit. Peace!

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 1: Samwell Shitkicker

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Lil Sheev

Ayo wassup speak n spell shoe wearin, fingas too fat to work zippy bag ass bitches. In the tradition of sum religious ass holiday wat got jacked from dem pagan dudes a while back, ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka LadsBible's man of the year 2015 aka Sleazus Christ aka Cunty McCuntface, has returned from death... well a coma induced by drinking horse tranquilisers mixed with lead paint on a mad lad's night out wid mah boys the Cornhole Snatchmaster and Thicc Daddy Fuckboi.

Wateva, anyway, I am here to promote the new street mixtape thass makin waves all ova Tatooine, got them cantina band ass scrotum headed dudes playin shit on repeat.

Lil Sheev - "Tha Senate"

Tracklist
1. I Am Tha Senate
2. Execute Order 66 (ft. 501st Bois & Lil Ani)
3. I'm A Hologram Bitch
4. Wrinkles On Ma Nuts (Don't Give A Fuck) (Mace Windu Diss)
5. Fuck That Frog Nigga
6. Unlimited PowAHH
7. Roast Sesh (ft. Lil Ani)
8. Suck Ma Lightsaber (A Love Song For Nute Gunray)
9. DEW IT (ft. Gasping)

10. Fully Operational
11. Why Am I Falling? (Endor Diss)

12. Tragedy (ft. Darth Plagueis & Not the Jedi)
Bonus Tracks
13. Yareal Poof Is Still Alive (CLUB REMIX) (ft. Pitbull & George Lucas)
14. All Ma Homies Are Dead (Tribute To Dat Nigga Tarkin, Lil Ani, Nute Gunray & Darth Plagueis)

As I'm sure yall can tell this mixtape is a classic, full of autistic screeching and lightsaber noises for all yall hatin ass bitches. Whether he's talking about throwing some black dude outta a fuckin window or focusing on social issues like the state of the senate, Lil Sheev aka Big Poppa Palps aka Banned From the Jedi Temple, is the best rapper in star wars no doubt. I mean, dude's jus talkin about smokin death sticks wid his bois and massacring children: great shite. I jus hope he resolves his feud with that raggedy ass Big Snoke.

Thass all.

Peace.

Rock's Roundup: Jan 17

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Ganesh's left Testicle aka Longest Yeah Boi since 2016, an I'm jus gonna throw out sum shit about January of wateva year it is.

It started off promising since 2016 was over... except we was wrong... 2017 is basically shaping up to be 2016 Part 2. Donald Trump is the most powerful man in the world, celebrities are still dying and the Emoji movie is coming out soon. We are livin in the end of days, I think there's sum shit in the Bible about this, but Iunno.

So in the last few days, Donnie Trump aka the Annoying Orange's Fully Evolved Form aka the Living Tanline aka Boss of the Lollipop Guild aka Mr Provides His own Sign Language, has banned Muslims from a couple of the sandy countries from comin to America. This has caused outrage, because now everyone else wants to make sure he bans their group from America to, I mean, no one wants to accidentally end up in America, Also, none of the countries with links to 9/11 were banned either, which is a trifle suss. Apparently, he also fired every single US ambassador without finding any replacements. He's like Mr Burns at this point. Ol Terry May aka "I start my day with a healthy bowl of Brexit cereal" went to visit him, an looked like a carer taking a dementia patient on a tour of the nursing home. Trump's inauguration earlier in the month was so surreal to witness that I just expected him to initiate the Mannequin Challenge with the crowd, or that Hillary would show up and bash im in the ed with a steel chair while Bernie Sanders closelined George Bush poncho wearin, Jenga supreme champion ass into the crowd.

In the world of entertainment, the next Star Wars title was revealed as the Last Yareal, and will chronicle Yareal Poof's conversion to Islamic extremism. Rogue One made a billy at the box office, and Beorge Blucas responded by visiting a grief counsellor. John Hurt died- RIP. The Oscar nominees were announced and there was an overwhelming response of "who the fuck cares". Although I suppose the "in memory of" sequence for last year will take up most of the time, I can't wait to see Meryl Streep's response to Top Trump's tantrums.

Anyway thass all I can think of rite now... Peace.

Fantastic Beasts

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka the guy whose name coincidentally ends up sounding like a Harry Potter spell aka Dankledore aka the Omnipotent Burnt Toast an I'm here to give sum thoughts on dis new Harry Potter spin off aka Fantastic Beasts aka J.K Rowling needs a new diamond encrusted toothbrush aka Jupiter Ascending but actually good. Less get into it.

This is the only research I've done into Harry Potter.

So Eddie Redmayne plays the upperclass alternate universe version of Stephen Hawking but instead of being wheelchair bound, he just awkwardly gangles all over the place and seems to be schizophrenic. He creates horrifying CGI abominations in his magical suitcase lab, and abducts an obese Jew when several of them try to flee his abusive tyranny. 

Together with an American woman who can't even eat a hotdog properly and her stereotypical blonde slutty sister, Unsteady Eddie and his new pet fat man must capture a horny radioactive rhino that can vomit napalm, a shoplifting platypus that keeps enough gold to buy Zimbabwe inside of a bottomless camel-toe, and a stoned sloth with invisibility powers. They also catch a dragon bird thing inside a teapot at one point. Other animals Newt Scabbbymaster abuses in his quest for power include a death yoyo that turns into a flying squirrel and a disgusting green stick insect that he whores out to Ron Perlman at one point.

Unfortunately, as history will point out, Americans are idiots, and arrest Newt Salamander out of spit for England abandoning America like the ginger, vegan, dubstep loving, mouthy unwanted child that they turned out to be. Meanwhile, the wizard equivalent of grooming for terrorism occurs as a creepy man in a scarf gives a lanky emo a necklace, which causes him to go full Red Wedding on his adopted family. Fortunately, Newt Scavenger escapes prison with Goldstain who is now bae, and they try to stop Johnny Depp from popping up in the film.

Oh bollocks!

So, as Newt Sadamanda calmly tries to convince the rampaging demonic emo to please stop destroying New York, the Americans come steaming in and blast the shit out of dat lil bitch as is their custom. Trump cheers in the background, Johnny Depp manages to materialise in the film through the power of cocaine, and Eddie Redmayne struggles to talk to girls. In the end, he releases the fat man so that all his happy memories can be destroyed and also unleashes a gigantic eagle dragon to hunt down and kill anyone who ever talked shit about his acting in Jupiter Ascending.

So thass about it for Bantastic Feasts. In conclusion, I'd say it's pretty accurate in showing how useless and unhealthy Americans are and how terrifying the idea of being fucked by a huge, glowing mutated rhino is (terrifying enough to make a fat man run, that's how).

Peace!

Rogue One

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka the Dank Panther aka Yareal Goof, I jus got done celebratin the New Year by collecting all the money I made betting on celebrity deaths and then Tweetin 2017 spoilers out such as "Iss gon be anotha shite year ya bish" and "can't wait til celebrities keep dying this year!" cuz I'm jus that fuckin edgy. Anyways less go through Star Wars Episode 3.9 Rouge One aka Saving Private Leia aka We Are Number One But Every Time I Give Away A Major Spoiler, Your Favourite Character Dies. Less GO!

"Hope you hate sand, bitches!"

So afta the Klan rock up and snatch up some miserable farmer to help finish the Death Star, retarded Stormtroopers who sound like Steven Hawking going through a carwash when they speak fail to catch a small girl. The girl grows up to become Gin Or So or somethin and naturally excels in life after her father ditched her... nah, jokes, she's in jail. Luckily, European Han Solo has murdered a panicking fat man and plans to break her out to help find Forest Whitaker to help find a pilot to help find her dad to help find Death Star plans. Meanwhile, a pilot is taken to be fed to a giant squid in scenes reminding me of Japanese porn afta Saw What You Did There Gurera aka too poor to get a wheelchair aka where's my inhaler decides he looks too much like Fidel Castro with his weak ass facial hair.

Jen and the bois roll up on some sandy ass planet to stop Vader comin after them, but still fuck up and get rekt by fucking Stormtroopers. Thankfully, a Vietnamese soldier nearby relives a violent flashback and kills the Stormtroopers thanks to their armour being made out of papier mache and old chewing gum due to budget cuts. His scruffy Mongolian friend also spawn kills some otha Stormtroopers.
Soon after, Are you Tarkin to me? fires the Death Star at the holy city in Donad Trump like moves, and Forest Whitaker decides to try and inhale the resulting storm of dust and finally end his suffering. Unfortunately, Disney confirms his death is not canon. Also the child that Jin saved back in town... died anyway. NOICE!
So then the crew (now 60% more multicultural) arrives in Scotland in the middle of its yearlong rainy season. Pube-beard Bodie and Han Euro go on a Brokeback Mountain style hiking trip, but Jean gets suspicious and then the blind dude hears the word "pussy" and straight up pulls a Jesus in the Bible type stunt on his quest for the poontang. Unfortunately there is no pussy, except Krennic who was so humiliated afta Darth Vader hit him with a dad joke (dad choke?) that he killed some old white dudes. Feminists and Clinton supporters applauded the bold move. Then shit kicks off propa, and Big Poppa, the World Stoppa gets killed, and Bodie's all like "Err so... wat now... get it ERSO!". So straight C3PO kills him and uses his body as a puppet for the rest of the film. No one notices or cares.
Jin gets pissed that the rebels are thinking of breaking up and convinces the crew to go on one final tour, however she ends up accidentally leading them on a suicide mission.
They arrive on Scarif and things start to go wrong immediately. First of all Bodie regains control of his body and starts pissing about with an extension cord. RoastBot 2000 gets shot at by millions of Stormtroopers and some accidentally manage to hit him, even though he's a gigantic seven foot robot and that's like shooting a bit of dust off a grain of rice for a Stormtrooper. Krennic aka Assassin's Creed fashion model shoots Juan Solo and then corners Jyn on the balcony afta she manages to find the PSP game cartridge containing the Death Star plans. Instead of jus killing her, he's a good sport and lets Ca$$ian kill him for a laugh. Admiral Ackbar's uncle knocks down a couple ov Star Destroyers for chatting shit to him on Battlefront. Bodie manages to get killed properly, but no one notices because the Chinese man just avoided getting shot like it was a miracle... but less face it, it was Stormtroopers shooting at him so iss not that impressive. Then he dies. Then his homeless buddy gets converted and dies. Then Tarkin fires the Death Star at the base where half his army is now fighting about three remaining rebels. Still I've had worse managers. Jyn and Captain Cash Money have a little cuddle but she then tells him she has a boyfriend and he wonders if he has enough time to block her on Facebook before they are obliterated.
Then an asthmatic walks into a bar... and kills everyone. Surviving rebels recall hearing him mutter "did a bitch just mention sand up in here!". He then watches his daughter go out dressed like a slut and goes after her to embarrass her in front of her friends: "You need to have a Leia down" "Luke at what you've done" and "bet you was Chewie-ing on some DICK tonight!". Vader makes dad jokes now.

"As an atheist, I find your lack of faith... reasonable."

So yeah, thass all I got to say. RIP to Carrie Fisher. Peace.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 9: Saving Private Rickon

Sup yall marshmallow faced bastards, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Diggie Smalls aka Grubby Mitts Esquire Junior the Third aka the Pissy Spray Lord, less look at this here Battle of teh Bastards.

Well, this is awkward now.

We open up in Mehreen wit Danny givin Tyrion her whole "I'm not angry, I'm jus disappointed" speech about burning down the odd city or two. They get interrupted by a window smashing, and whilst Grey Worm suggests they ring up Gavin from Auto-Glass wit his new found comedy skills, Danny meets up wid three creepy blokes who swiped left on her Tinder account.
Just as the most metro-sexual lookin one starts considering a swipe right, a gert fuck off big dragon rolls up to tell him he's not his real dad. Danny straddles the dragon (not a Pornhub video title... yet) and zooms off. Conveniently enough the two other dragons manage to Shawshank Redemption their way through a brick wall and fly along with her. And them Lady Gaga video extra lookin cunts got rekt when Super Dario an teh Dothraki showed up. That was for Lionel Richie, ya bastards!
As the sound of underpaid sailors simultaneously bricking it reaches a deafening crescendo, Danny orders her Charizards to use flamethrowers, and it's super effective against wood. BUT NOT MA WOOD! I WAS ALREDDY ERECT!!! IT COULD ONLEE GET BETTA!!!

I NEED TO CONSULT A FUCKEN DOCTOR!!!!

So afta that, we see Jon & the Posse havin a good ol fashioned smacktalk showdown, which Ramsey aka the Third Gallagher Brother thinks he can win by repeatedly sayin "bastard". The irony is lost on Jon, as he knows nothing, but Sansa shits on Ramsey worse than the time he ordered her to when they were married becuz quite frankly he's probly into dat shit. But the threat of his impending death keeps the erection maintained, even if I was starting to feel dizzy at that point. But I manned up and drank some more paint to rest my nerves. Good to see that lil girl waiting to fuck up Ramsey wid her 62 pet bears or wateva teh fuck. Sadly, Ramsey won't 1v1 Jon, but Mr "Your Father Was A Cunt" aka Evil Hagrid shows off his wolf's head paperweight. 

Back at Fort Shitcreek, Jon gets some solid advice from Sansa: "Don't do what he wants you to do" and MILFassandre: "Don't make me make you respawn again, you cheeky wanka!". All of this pointless advice maintains the status quo of Jon Snow knowing nothing.

Meanwhile, the bromance between Gingerbiscuit and the Badger is cut short by Davos discovering the site of Stannis's Big BBQ an findin the remains of a "World's Worst Dad" mug in the ruins. Tormund drinks goat milk.

THE ERECTION'S STILL HERE!!!

Back in Chicago, Danny aka Mother of the Third Degree Burn Ward at the Local Hospital entertains guests. I mean, it's only another dickless bloke wid his sister. But his sister convinces Danny that Euron's a bit of a prick an that she should taste carpet. As we pray for the scissoring scene, I also pray that they send Theon's sister to have a chat wid Margery. OH GOD, IT'S STARTIN TO HURT NOW!!!

And now we come to the main event...

Ramsey, the smug prick, rolls out wid Rickon and then lets him run off to Jon. Jon's thinkin, sweet, I aready got diss, but then Ramsey turns into Robin Hood an starts blastin the gat. Rickon turns into fuckin Oscar Pistorius at this, unfortunately Oscar Pistorius without prosthetics, meaning he can't turn in any direction. As Jon abandons all battle plans, because he knows nothing, Ricky gets an arrow in the back. Shit has hit the fan!

Guess which reaction I had to Ricky's death!

Jon's about to get trampled worse than an English football fan in Moscow, but then Tormund and the bois rush in and it turns into a disorientating clusterfuck. Like, I'm pretty sure Jon musta got at least one team kill there. Anyway, shit is kickin off all ova the shop, and a huge pile of bodies builds up behind Jon's crew. Davos runs in to help wid the stragglers. Jon's wolf presumably decides to stay outta this afta what happened to the last wolf what tried ta help.

Lord Cuntfather leads his troops in and they surround Jon's crew an start jabbing them. Ya boi Wun Wun the giant breaks a mufucka in half and starts kickin the shit outta dudes left and right even with hundreds of arrows pokin out of him. Yall already know he's the MVP right?
Jus as Jon starts drownin in death like ya boi Rocky Dabs drowns in crippling social anxiety, the battle is put on pause by ya boi Lilfinga. His crew straight up annihilate the Bolton army. A shocked Lord Hagrid of House "Father was a Cunt" gets his throat fuckin ripped out by Tormund after their fight to determine who had the most magnificent beard. Ramsey fucks off home, but Jon, Tormund an Wun for the Price of Wun take off after him, orderin him to pull over his horse on the side of the road now. I CAN NO LONGER FEEL THE BOTTOM HALF OF MY BODY WITH HOW ERECT I AM!!!

Jus kill this bastard already Jon Boy!

Wun Wun breaks through the door an the Wildlings fuck up Bolton's remaining men faster than a laxative fucks up a clean white carpet. Ramsey shoots Wun Wun in the eye and then reminds Jon to 1v1 him. Jon blocks his arrows with Witcher 3 level deflection tactics then starts pounding him against the ground, fists all up in him... damn, sounds really gay when I describe it like that.
Anyway, Jon wins. Ramsey is tied up and left in a dog cage. Fittingly, his wife couldn't find the Pedigree Chum so compromises and lets Ramsey's dogs FUCKIN DEVOUR HIM!!!! THAT WAS METAL AS FUCK!!! And then my dog started barking immediately and I shit myself!

RIP Wun Wun an Mr "Your Father was a Cunt" and Rickon aka 22 lines in the whole show aka Sonic. Fuck my life, that was a fantastic episode, even without Margery!

Peace yall!