Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi

I notice a lotta bedwettas bin out on these Tweets chattin grease about the new Star Wars film. Bunch ov pasty, flabby, unshaven cretins lurkin outside they neighbour's house in the bushes, sweating that extra virgin olive oil, praying to Zeus that the god Rock Digglesbee aka Blogosphere Jones aka Fugazi Zirconium, don't see their ignorant ass ramblings. That being said, less chat sum shit about Star Wars Episode 8: Force Rehab aka Interracial Las Vegas Trip aka Leia Poppins.

These are your gods now.

So it kicks off wih Poe, still mad from being kicked out of the Teletubbies afta telling a Make-a-Wish kid to "go fuck a goat", making prank calls to General Fuxboi aka HyuxHyuckHyuck. Huxagon gets pissy an fucks shit up, even more than his buddy's ship got fucked up by an Asian kamikaze pilot (my granddad got Pearl Harbour flashbacks at this point). Poe gets a dressing down from Leia, which would have been on every man's bucket list back when the OG films came out, I can assure you.

Luke's pissed off that no one's been returning Christmas cards for like twenty years, so acts like a dick. 

Chloe Ren and Hux have a "You vs the Guy She Tells you not To worry About" moment in front of a wrinkled up wad of gum that has gained sentience and started calling itself Snoke. He tells Ren his Darth Vader cosplay is shit, and that Hux has better sux. Kylo smashes the helmet up.

Finn comes out of a coma and walks around spewing out vital fluids for a few minutes whilst everyone ignores him. I thought that only Americans ignored dying black men? Anyway, he meets a Chinese exchange student, who busts out the kinky stungun a bit too soon. Poe marries the two of them, and sends them on a honeymoon to Las Vegas. Admiral Ackbar gets killed but since no one apparently gives a fuck, Leia supermans her way back onto the ship. My granddad was still having flashbacks of the war at this point.

We can never eat sushi in peace.

Meanwhile Rey aka Bae is going through belated puberty. She fantasizes about naked Kylo Ren and sees Luke squezin out the ol blue milk. She also thinks about a dark, wet hole a lot, which I'm sure symbolises something else, but my mind is too fucked at this point. Chewie decimates the local wildlife and Luke tries to get R2 to show him some porn, but the magical trashcan still only got the same jerk-off material as 30 years ago. Poor Luke.

Anyway, Finn and Rose get thrown in jail for parking in a disabled space, or just because Finn's black, I dunno. They meet a strange man dressed as a flasher, who acts like Johnny Depp, except he isn't annoying as fuck. They bust some space llamas out and smash up some casinos, before remembering they need to go save Poe an the others.

Rey decides to leave the old man to go meet her Tinder date, except Kylo catfishes her. Elsewhere, Phasma aka I just got this armour painted so don't dent it, captures Finn an Rose whilst Stuttering Steve aka Porky Pig fucks off with a pile of cash. 

Yoda haunts Luke then burns down a temple for shits an giggles. 

Snoke channels Harvey Weinstein to give Rey the worst job interview of all time. The ugly fetus, sliced up rotten avocado lookin mufucka then gets Darth Maul'd by Kylo. It was almost as if you could hear a million batshit theories die with him. His guards realise something fishy has happened so Team ReyRen assembles to kick ass. 

Without Admiral Ackbar to tellem what's what, the rebels fall into a trap. Candyfloss aka Leia's Secretary aka Willy Wonka's Bisexual Daughter crashes a fuckin ship into Snoke's star destroyer after waiting for hours to die. 

Guess this guy was important.

Rey and Ren argue about who gets to play with Luke's lightsaber and end up snapping it in half like a pair of retards. Meanwhile, Phasma, an elite stormtrooper trained for combat her whole life, gets her ass whupped by Finn, a bloke who woke up from a coma only a few days ago. Phasma Boba Fetts to her death, and Finn, Rose and BB8 the magical coconut aka the best hacker in any film escape to the planet of salt. It's where the guys who make the DC films live.

The First Order drops some walkers... making them Ready Salted Walkers (haha). Finn is gettin sick of his clingy new girlfriend and tries to fly into a fucking cannon, but she crashes her ship into his (again, grandpa was freakin out). Luke rocks up to tell Kylo "1v1 me, pleb" which he does. But wait... Force-ception. Luke was never real! 

Luke just gives up an dies. We've all bin there pal! Meanwhile, Poe and the rebels Snow White their way out of the salt mines by following some glitter-critters. Rey benchpresses like 250 to get the boulders out their way and Finn immediately ditches Rose to go hug her. 

It ends with a kid sweeping, as happens in the cinema at the end of every film. CRAZY!

So yeah, this film is like a child, you might think it's a massive disappointment, you might think you sacrificed your partner's poontang/Admiral Ackbar for nothing, but I still don't give a shit, and I hate children, but the point is, it's a good film.

Peace

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 7: Jon's Ancestry.com Results

Sup ya bishes, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Slagdaddy Mack aka Janky Danky Hank, and iss the final episode, so less get to it.

So all the main characters pretty much meet up to crack open a cold one. The Hound and Brienne have a good old "hey, remember when you almost killed me, LOL" moment. Then they let a zombie out of a crate, going for the jump scare on Cersei and everyone's scared shitless, but Qyburn's rock hard, looking at the zombie's hand like "you gonna finish that?"

Deleted scene of Qyburn's reaction.

So we get the Hound telling some dudes he'll kill them if they touch his family bucket of KFC, Bronn, Pod and Tyrion reunion (Two an a Halfman lololololol) an Jon and Davos present one of those QVC adverts to Cersei for their new range of dragonglass knives and cutlery. Nothin cuts through dead fuckers quite like it! Euron is all like Euron Your Own Now and fucks off back to that dingy shithole he ran away from. Or is he...

Meanwhile, Sansa wants to play a game, but Creepy McPedoface aka Where Did the Lil Finga Go? aka the human personification of a white van with tinted windows parked outside of a secondary school, ain't got Guess Who, cuz all the characters died. Lil Finga then gets singled out for a background check and starts to panic. Bran uploads "Lord Baelish EXPOSED (Gone Wrong)(Almost Died!!!)" to Youtube immediately. Then Facey McNoFace gets tired and straight up slits the old boy's throat. No one in the room lifts a little finger to help him (hehe).

Jon cockblocks Jorah and gets Danny to join him on a romantic cruise. Jon's Lonely Island playlist kicks off with "I'm On a Boat!". Bran watches through InstaBran whilst ignoring Meera's messages about some Aegon Targarean or sum shit. Bish please, Bran's moved on! Take yo child support an fuck off!

The breakup was all about money, right?

Obviously, shit can't get disgusting until Samwell's on the scene. He talks to Bran like I'd talk to some homeless bloke threatening to kill himself whilst bamboozled off the LSD. Bran crashes a wedding. Jon crashes a womb, trying to fuck it back into working. Lonely Island playlist moves on to "I Just Had Sex". Tyrion listens to what's goin on, and just walks away like "not this shit again", and Bran betta be careful cuz the last time he uncovered some incestuous shit, he ended up with noodle legs.

So whilst Jorah sadwanks to the grunts from the cabin next door, Jaimie susses out that Cersei's acting shady. She tells him that Euron's not acting like a pussy, and that they gonna be bringing the circus to King's Landing real soon. Jaime dumps her, cuz there's no room for two incestuous relationships in this show, this ain't NCIS Bridgewater! It starts to snow, an Jaime realises that he's gonna save a shit ton of dolla this year on the Christmas presents, no children, no in-laws, no dad... his list is basically: Bronn - Castle (X2)?, Brienne - THIS DICK, Qyburn - Dead Guy Hand.

So back at the Mexican border, Tormund aka the ginger power ranger and Beric aka unlimited lives cheat code in human form, chat about being scared of heights. Then some pasty fucka comes strutting along, no biggie. Oh shit, wait, we ain't got enough food for all these dudes! So, since no one's letting them in, Night King aka Darth Cold aka Javelin toss & Chill, gets his new pet dragon to knock a chunk out. Resourceful fucker, that Night King. Anyway, the wildlings play snakes and ladders to escape, and then the zombies get through.

Shit's getting crazy. I'm prayin to Gawd that Kim Jung Cunt don't set off his nukes til the final season's over. Someone send him a fax or suttin that Rock Digglesbee says he can have Japan and South Korea and America as long as Game of Thrones is allowed to end before the world.

You hear me, you cheesy burger-faced chub!

Anyway, peace out yall.

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 6: Winter Olympics

Sup yall iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka The One Eyed Hornet aka Barry Bitchkicker aka Scat outta Hell, an less have a look at dese Winter Olympic shenanigans.

"KOBE!"

So, whilst Sansa goes through her sister's shit and messes up all the neatly folded severed faces, ma boi Big Gendz aka the Baratheon Bulldog aka Did you just assume my Gendry again? aka "Stop... Hammertime!" preps for the next leg of his Westeros triathlon, he's already completed the rowing section after all. Micky Blue Eyes aka Scandinavian Darth Maul also psyches himself up for the javelin event he's been training hundreds of years for. Will he do better than Bronn at the dragon shooting? The Hound, meanwhile, is trying one of those hammer swinging things.

Anyway, Suicide Squad v.2 aka Snowmies go trekking through the snow. The gang's all here. There's Jon Snow aka "First I get dat dragonglass, then I get that dragonASS!", Jorah the Mormon aka "I got cured of stony genital warts for this shit?", the Hound aka KFC's worst nightmare, Gendry aka scared of ginger minge, Tormund aka the man with the soulless chin, Beric aka "shit, I took fall damage, can I get some resurrection over here plz" and Thoros aka Thorence Nightingale. So Tormund chats about they have to fuck wateva they can find, then he's all like, "hey, a bear!". Jon an Beric "Hit that respawn button again" Dondles compare notes on death. Beric suggests poison, an Jon's like "Hmm, haven't tried that one yet". The Hound calls out whinging. Tormund and the Hound bond over their fetish for big women. Thoros reveals that being shitfaced is the key to his powers.

So they get attacked by a zombie bear afta Tormund sticks it in the whole hole. Some randoms get wreckt but then Thoros gets got cuz the Hound gets shook. Then the Westeros Jackass crew try ambushing some zombies as their next stunt, and all goes well. They snatch up one of the wights and are about to toddle off, when Gendry starts his marathon. A crowd of admirers swarm the Boys and they retreat to the ice rink.

The White Walkers were running late due to delays in the replacement bus service.

Danny decides to see how the lads are doing as she hasn't had a text from Jon in a few hours and is getting worried. Also a midget joke is made. Real classy, dragon queen.

Jon and Co hold up on an island. Thoros dies of old age waiting for George RR Martin to write the next book. The Hound tries rock skipping which just makes the wights angry. Beric whips out his lightsaber and the crew prepares for a showdown. A riot breaks out after the javelin event is delayed and Jon bumps one of the other randos into the mob. Tormund almost gets drowned, but Jaime reminds him that real niggas don't drown, and the Hound comes in with the save. Still, it looks like the crew is fuckety fucked, but den Dany comes through with the save.

The lads all hop on the dragon, Jorah complaining that there's no first class. Bronn pops up to ask if he wants Fancy Lads Class? Jon sees the Night King finally arrive, and tries to 1v1 him, but he only cares about javelining. So he shoots! And down goes one of the dragons! Dany fucks off after Jon gets rugby tackled into the drink. 

Den Uncle Ben Express Horse rolls up swangin at the zombos. Mothafucka noticed some dragons flying about and thought it might be worth a look, I guess. He's like "Hey Jon, I'm still about!" then sacrifices himself anyway.

Jon gets back to safety, and Danny comes to visit him. It all gets a bit steamy... almost. Davos shoulda hid some of that fermented crab about and theyda bin banging like rabbits.

But den, Night King gets pissed that he missed his second javelin shot and summons Blue Eyes Wight Dragon for target practice.

Mr Freeze out here.

Thass about it. How about dat...

Peace.

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 5: Liar, Liar, Dickon Fire

Sup yall iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Blistery G aka the Omnipotent Salami, an less talk about dis shit as we gear up for Suicide Squad 2.

As the kids say: #lit

So Bronn still hasn't got his castle yet, not even so much as a "thanks for draggin my suicidal ass in all this heavy fuckin armour and giant awkward golden fuckin hand outta the drink amigo" from the big dog J-Lanns.

Meanwhile Samwell's dad and Dickoff aka Charles Dickons smoke some novelty cigars, and Danny's all like "Lols, they have explosion in thems". The Tardleys died as they lived: mocked by me. This brutal incineration of her enemies proves to the other loyal soldiers that they'd rather get burnt by a dragon than have a flying church bell splatter them on the way home from work. When they get home, the dragon tries to beg Jon for food, but the Brooding Dudester only has a glove. Then Jorah returns to reclaim the friendzone. No mention is made of the miracle cure Samwell discovered a few episodes ago.

Speakin ov the only living Tarley boy, he basically drops out of college after some old men call him an entitled millenial, but at least Gilly can come along as they go rolling out with nothing to eat but books and a suddenly grown child. Some shit about Jon's potential family was mentioned but I was too busy adding the number of Cosby children that bloke dropped off at the pool to my list of Game of Thrones shit themed trivia list. Anyway, iss not like Gilly's has any concept of family trees with more than one branch.

Those three guys could almost be triplets!

Davos tries to book a lad's holiday in Magaluf, but ends up gettin crabs and a midget. He goes looking for a rentboy to cheer up Missanday aka Black Emma Watson and instead runs into the guy he abandoned in a boat. Luckily the lifeguards were about that day, and medieval B&Q had a sale on obscenely fuckoff big hammers. Davos gives some guys crabs.

Bran starts trippin balls until Albino Darth Maul reminds him not to go lookin into other folks' browsing history. Bran remembers he hasn't deleted his own search history and shits himself, although he does that a lot anyway due to having no control over his lower body and sphincter muscles. Coincidentally, Arya finds Lil Finga's Wifi password.

Cersei's up the duff wid another zesty incest infant. 

Then, Jon and the Lads decide the pints are too warm across the Wall, and head north to get some ice. He decides they can drag a dead bloke back to parade through King's Landing while they're at it. So, the Happy Half-Bastard assembles an all-star team aka Seal Team Snow aka Suicide Squad (But Not Shit) aka the Kinda Magnificent Seven (+ Surplus Generic White Walker Bait). He brings in Gendry cuz who else to get hammered with. The Hound comes along cause the CGI budget wasn't enough for Jon's actual pet dog to join them. Jon bonds with the Red and the Dead over having a manbun and also being resurrected. Still, the topknot doesn't fool him. Together they are the Bald and the Brave. Gingebeard aka Where Ma Big Women At? tags along to see if he can fuck a White Walker. Jorah comes along because he's pretty much invincible now, an besides Topknot Priest can just start resurrecting fuckers left an right if things get heavy.

Oh shit son, nex episode will be the shit... in the meantime, peace.

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 4: The Roast of Jaime Lannister

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Yakkety Gacks aka Jammie Dodger Defiler an iss about time I sharted my thoughts onto this here webzone bloge. An no harsh comments pleze, I'm stil oopsut abot that won twate whu sad mye spelllink waz bda.

Anyways, it all starts wid Lil Finga gettin spooked. Lil Finga got Finga'd, you could say. Then Bran aka accurate representation of my personality when dealing with strangers aka Tickle Me Emo breaks up wid his girl because basically Bran Flakes is pimpin now. He brought Prince Duran Duran's old wheelchair for the cheap online so he don't need Meera no more. But for real though, Meera you come find ya boi Digglesbee, at least he only lazy an not crippled too. Sansa also gets creeped out when her other emotionally mongaloided sibling rocks up to make more jokes about killing people. Arya lookin for a standup gig doing puns about slaying the crowd.

Davos has become a grammar nazi despite the fact that a ten year old girl taught him to read about a year ago. He also plays Jon's wingman, but old Snow ass bish don't know nothin. He was too busy fuckin about with chalk inside the cave then had to act like it was some important discovery when Danny rolled up expected results like me explaining why taking three hour long shits every day is productive to my manager.

Theon manages to get to shore. Despite him being in the sea, Jon's the one who's salty.

I'm starting to think Rickon got it easy.

Brienne almost crushes a little girl's ribcage in a play fight. Podrick shits himself as he loses his employee of the month title.

But all that shit is unimportant. Bronn better get his fookin castle, an it better be impregnable as a Dornish goat. When I heard what Bronn and Goldfinger and Dickon-Dickoff (pfthahaha) heard, I was like...

So the barbeque gets out of hand. Stannis would be jerkin off in his grave! The Hunns decimate the Lannister army, mostly due to a fuckoff huge dragon, but at least friendly fire was turned off so they could go merrily through the fire. In the chaos, we see various reenactments of Anikin Skywalker being roasted on Mustafar. Dickoff catches PTSD offa Jaime. The whole thing's like looking into a ninety year old smoker's lung.

But fuck dat, ma main man Bronn snatched the MVP of the episode title outta Meera-bae's hands whilst she was still wiping her tears with an Avril Lavine CD case. Fuckin almost took down a dragon.
#getBronnafookincastle

Peace. I'm out to help update Google's security questions!

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 3: Lock Up Your Daughters

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Doggie Dippa aka Chairman of the Chaz and Dave tribute bands fanclub, here's some more shit. Remember since VSauce got weird, Ol Rocky's the only eBoi yall can trust anymore.

I wish we could go back to spit facts.

Anyway, down at Fort Bean, Lil Finga tries whipping out some quantum physics theories about parallel universes and alternate timelines and his donkeypunch fetish, but then Bran aka Rosebud was the sledge aka Dr Manhattan rocks up and is jus like "Bish, get on my level! I can time travel, ya gay ass pedo weiny!" Anyway. Bran has a nice little chat with his sister about how she looked good on the night she was raped... Is he sayin she deserved it?

Jon meets with Danny aka Burner of Toast aka Bearer of Titles aka Carl Easy aka All these titles and you chose salt aka crazy dragon lady aka Watcher of Simpsons aka Cooker of Soup aka Purveyor of Used DVDs (still good condition tho) on Ebay aka... and the list goes on. Davos proves to be a shite wingman, as he only remembers Jon's name barely. Also starts off their visit with some casual "So, where are you from?" like when my grandad saw a brown person in the street the other day. Casual xenophobe or silver fox? You decide!

Anyways, meanwhile, the early Grey Worm gets the bird, so now he's afta some castle. But getting dat shit was no probs for ma man G Wormz. You can almost hear Admiral Ackbar shouting in the background... and yall already know what he's saying. Euron sends his squidbois to wreck their shit while he delivers Cersei's mail-order brides. The Sand Snakes are now removed from the show like a shrivelled up wart off an old biddie's nozzle, an all it took was a Pirates of the Caribbean montage an some lesbo action.

Unfortunately Cersei doesn't just blow buildings, she also blows her brother. So he goes rocking up to the Old Tyrell place. A moment of silence for Margery's disintegrated tits. Aight, so Grandma Tyrell goes out like a champ, havin a right ol Kingslayer to Kingslayer chat about how she's glad she gave Joff the old Jimi Hendrix treatment. Real recognize real I guess?

And thass all for now. Til the nex time I drink paint. Peace.

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 2: Why Eating Pie for Dinner was a Mistake

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka the Sixth Beatle aka the bloke who killed Uncle Ben aka Nunfucker Chuck, here's mah views on the sex... I mean sexcond episode. Oh, and, don't eat anything crusty or scab looking whilst watching this un.

"Turns out I have mega-syphilis."

Less talk about blokes gettin their veggies lopped off. That seemed a major theme in today's episode. Grey Worm compensates by takin some lessons from Jon Snow aka the puss whisperer. Varys compensates by being a generally sus bloke who wears a dressing gown all over the shop, but at least the boy still reps the streets. Theon aka the dickless fishman aka the Fuckboi Wonder, decides to rage quit afta his creepy uncle makes a joke about his man-luggage going walkabouts. Meanwhile, Dyke-al Phelps aka the only one in the family getting any poon, is gettin taken away to be bridesmaid at Euron and Cersei's wedding. Oh, and two thirds of the Sand Snacks got decimated in a strange kinky type ov fight. Euron got stabbed in the nuts an never gave up. Employee of da year!
Also Euron's entry was like something outta WWE. Glorious shit

Samwell decides giving impromptu skin grafts is a respectable hobby. I threw up my dinner. Jorah wonders why he even bothered talkin to the weirdos at the Vatican or whereva the fuck they are. Nex episode they'll discover he cudda just popped some antibiotics to clear his skin right up. Man's out lookin like a half-burnt marshmellow.

The fire cult continues to pop up. MelisAndre the Giant rolls up to tell Danny she once banged Stannis on her meeting room table. Then gets embarrassed when she gets corrected on her own religious beliefs by a former slavegirl. LOL!

Smooth...

Anyway, Samwell's pa gets gobby to the man with the golden fingerblasts. Meanwhile, Dr Frankenstein aka feel the Qyburn bullshits about inventing crossbows. Luckily Cersei has never been into her basement before so gets moist when the arrow goes through a mouldy 200 year old skull. Can't wait til the crossbow bolts just bounce offa the dragon's scales in the finale, and Qyburn jus dips outta there to go get some poon in Dorne.

Arya runs into the fat kid she used to bully in school aka REMEMBER THAT KID, THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NOW. She then finds her lost dog, but she's too big to get through a doggie flap now so bounces. Jon fucks off from his new crib afta everyone starts plotting. He knows what happened to his brother. Lil Finga gives him the ol "I wanted to fuck yer step-mum, but now she dead so I wanna stick the old ham cannon up in yo sister, anyway, peace out future brother in law."

Anyway, I gotta go delete my co-workers offa Facebook before they discover Rocky Daggenstein's masterpieces an start exposing me on Jeremy Kyle or sum shit. Peace!