So first up we got dat lazy ass bastard Jonny Snow, who has apparently succumbed to his chronic constipation and finally shat himself so hard his stomach ruptured into stab wounds. At least, I'm sure dat's what ya boi Ollie is telling anyone who asks. The Sad Badger aka Mr Fingerblast 2012 aka Mutton Man gets some ov Jon's depressed Goth friends to bring his body in, as they're running outta food an dey got mouths to feed, even if Samtard's fat arse is finally gone. MILFassandre pops up to try an convince them that necrophilia is a great method of resuscitation, but Edd fucks off to find his long lost brother Bronn, and also promises to tell Jon about his mum when he gets back so he probly won't come back. Also Jon's dog conveniently pops up for like the first time in two years, having had a wonderful trip to the fucking Bahamas or wateva.
Gordon Ramsey gives a rousing speech about how Julius Caesar-ing Jon Snowden was the best thing to do while that lil shit Ollie mopes around listening to Greenday (WAKE ME UP!!!) and everyone sorta just accepts that and shrugs cuz fuck it.
Back at the Bolton Funhouse, Psycho Harry Potter feeds his sidechick's corpse to his dogs. His dad calls him a fuckin failure despite the fact that he destroyed Stannis Broatheon's army a couple days back. His dad also goes into great detail about his BBW fetish and reminds him of the time he walked in on him licking gravy off his chubby stepmother's sweaty backrolls.
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| "It looked like this, dad!" |
Meanwhile, after miraculously healing their broken legs from jumpin off a fuckin castle, Igor aka Dickless Wonder aka Castration Nation drags the emo ginger girl through the snow in a scene reminiscent of an episode of Crime Watch I saw when I was in the middle of a five day horse tranquillizer and paint sniffing binge. Anyway, they hide in a fuckin tree and wait for hypothermia to release them from the pain of living (CAN'T WAKE UP!!!!!) but a bunch of blokes wid dogs roll up accusing Theon of having epic microscopic levels of shrinkage, but then Captain Thrown Down a Trash Chute shows up an kicks ass, an some internet animal rights activists got all worried about "W...w... where did teh doogs gu?! I need imeges ov dem runnnin oof even doe dey blodhunds an not fiting dugs!?" but so what, where did the horses go? Who gives a shit?
Then a black guy dies. Yeah, the Black Hulk aka Token aka Nick Fury on Steroids gets taken out by a little girl. Prince Hot Wheels aka "I Want That One" Guy gets stabbed by that crazy woman. His son, Prince One Direction Reject gets impaled on a boat by magically teleporting Sand Snakes. One ov them fights with a whip! A FOOKIN WHIP!!! WHAT WAS SHE GONNA INDIANA JONES HIS ASS TO DEATH BY GIVIN HIM FLASHBACKS TO CRYSTAL FUCKIN SKULL!!!!!!
Margery looks fuckin bangable as ever, even wit dirt all over her an matted hair an... hold on, is dat teh Shame Nun? Oh shit son! MARGERY FREEING TEH TWIN BEACHBALLS IN NAKED WALK CONFURMD!!!
A midget and the second major castrated character on this show make an appearance, and seem happy enough watching the world burn around them while firing shots and visiting extremist training camps.
A midget and the second major castrated character on this show make an appearance, and seem happy enough watching the world burn around them while firing shots and visiting extremist training camps.
| These ones specifically. |
Jaimie tries to convince Cersei to get #wincest trending on Twitter again but nah, she only wanted to try shaggin her brother in front of the still warm corpse of their poisoned child one time. Frankenstein's Mountain looms ominously.
Arya aka Stevie Wonder aka Daredevil (I'm sure no one else has made this comparison) gets beaten up by one of the twins from the Shining for being poor. It's a metaphor for George Osbourne, I think. That's what I see anyway, but she probly doesn't. OOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Danny gets captured by Youtube commenters and taken back to WatchMojo headquarters where they rank her as number 5 on their top 10 best things to do in Game of Thrones. Khal BROgo gets cockblocked so hard by Aquaman from beyond the grave that even Jorah felt sorry for his unwashed ass.
Meanwhile Jorah the Explorer and the Hippie adventure off havin all sorts of banter. Then people got confused as to how Jorah could have found that ring in the middle of nowhere... I GUESS THE TRAMPLED FUCKIN CROPCIRCLE AROUND IT MEANS NOTHIN! THE BISH WAS CLEARLY ABDUCTED BY ANAL LOVIN ALIENS!!!
Speakin of Mexicans, back at the Wall, Davos entertains Jon's buddies wit knock knock jokes. Thornberry gets tired of this shit and demands they take this outside. Davos hangs a "Beware the Dog" sign up just in case. Jon stays dead.
Finally MILFassandre is actually GILFassandre! Who fuckin knew? Anyway, I'd gone too far by that point an, well, I still would, to be fair. Although, its weird, she probably put her hip outta place givin birth to dat smoke cloud back in the day, an does dis make Stannis a grannybanger? I'm sure there are enuff jokes about haunted pussyflaps out there so I'll refrain from becoming so crude.
Anyway, this week's MVP was ma brutha Edd. Hopefully, he survives long enough to shovel some more shit for the Watch.
