Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 9: Saving Private Rickon

Sup yall marshmallow faced bastards, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Diggie Smalls aka Grubby Mitts Esquire Junior the Third aka the Pissy Spray Lord, less look at this here Battle of teh Bastards.

Well, this is awkward now.

We open up in Mehreen wit Danny givin Tyrion her whole "I'm not angry, I'm jus disappointed" speech about burning down the odd city or two. They get interrupted by a window smashing, and whilst Grey Worm suggests they ring up Gavin from Auto-Glass wit his new found comedy skills, Danny meets up wid three creepy blokes who swiped left on her Tinder account.
Just as the most metro-sexual lookin one starts considering a swipe right, a gert fuck off big dragon rolls up to tell him he's not his real dad. Danny straddles the dragon (not a Pornhub video title... yet) and zooms off. Conveniently enough the two other dragons manage to Shawshank Redemption their way through a brick wall and fly along with her. And them Lady Gaga video extra lookin cunts got rekt when Super Dario an teh Dothraki showed up. That was for Lionel Richie, ya bastards!
As the sound of underpaid sailors simultaneously bricking it reaches a deafening crescendo, Danny orders her Charizards to use flamethrowers, and it's super effective against wood. BUT NOT MA WOOD! I WAS ALREDDY ERECT!!! IT COULD ONLEE GET BETTA!!!

I NEED TO CONSULT A FUCKEN DOCTOR!!!!

So afta that, we see Jon & the Posse havin a good ol fashioned smacktalk showdown, which Ramsey aka the Third Gallagher Brother thinks he can win by repeatedly sayin "bastard". The irony is lost on Jon, as he knows nothing, but Sansa shits on Ramsey worse than the time he ordered her to when they were married becuz quite frankly he's probly into dat shit. But the threat of his impending death keeps the erection maintained, even if I was starting to feel dizzy at that point. But I manned up and drank some more paint to rest my nerves. Good to see that lil girl waiting to fuck up Ramsey wid her 62 pet bears or wateva teh fuck. Sadly, Ramsey won't 1v1 Jon, but Mr "Your Father Was A Cunt" aka Evil Hagrid shows off his wolf's head paperweight. 

Back at Fort Shitcreek, Jon gets some solid advice from Sansa: "Don't do what he wants you to do" and MILFassandre: "Don't make me make you respawn again, you cheeky wanka!". All of this pointless advice maintains the status quo of Jon Snow knowing nothing.

Meanwhile, the bromance between Gingerbiscuit and the Badger is cut short by Davos discovering the site of Stannis's Big BBQ an findin the remains of a "World's Worst Dad" mug in the ruins. Tormund drinks goat milk.

THE ERECTION'S STILL HERE!!!

Back in Chicago, Danny aka Mother of the Third Degree Burn Ward at the Local Hospital entertains guests. I mean, it's only another dickless bloke wid his sister. But his sister convinces Danny that Euron's a bit of a prick an that she should taste carpet. As we pray for the scissoring scene, I also pray that they send Theon's sister to have a chat wid Margery. OH GOD, IT'S STARTIN TO HURT NOW!!!

And now we come to the main event...

Ramsey, the smug prick, rolls out wid Rickon and then lets him run off to Jon. Jon's thinkin, sweet, I aready got diss, but then Ramsey turns into Robin Hood an starts blastin the gat. Rickon turns into fuckin Oscar Pistorius at this, unfortunately Oscar Pistorius without prosthetics, meaning he can't turn in any direction. As Jon abandons all battle plans, because he knows nothing, Ricky gets an arrow in the back. Shit has hit the fan!

Guess which reaction I had to Ricky's death!

Jon's about to get trampled worse than an English football fan in Moscow, but then Tormund and the bois rush in and it turns into a disorientating clusterfuck. Like, I'm pretty sure Jon musta got at least one team kill there. Anyway, shit is kickin off all ova the shop, and a huge pile of bodies builds up behind Jon's crew. Davos runs in to help wid the stragglers. Jon's wolf presumably decides to stay outta this afta what happened to the last wolf what tried ta help.

Lord Cuntfather leads his troops in and they surround Jon's crew an start jabbing them. Ya boi Wun Wun the giant breaks a mufucka in half and starts kickin the shit outta dudes left and right even with hundreds of arrows pokin out of him. Yall already know he's the MVP right?
Jus as Jon starts drownin in death like ya boi Rocky Dabs drowns in crippling social anxiety, the battle is put on pause by ya boi Lilfinga. His crew straight up annihilate the Bolton army. A shocked Lord Hagrid of House "Father was a Cunt" gets his throat fuckin ripped out by Tormund after their fight to determine who had the most magnificent beard. Ramsey fucks off home, but Jon, Tormund an Wun for the Price of Wun take off after him, orderin him to pull over his horse on the side of the road now. I CAN NO LONGER FEEL THE BOTTOM HALF OF MY BODY WITH HOW ERECT I AM!!!

Jus kill this bastard already Jon Boy!

Wun Wun breaks through the door an the Wildlings fuck up Bolton's remaining men faster than a laxative fucks up a clean white carpet. Ramsey shoots Wun Wun in the eye and then reminds Jon to 1v1 him. Jon blocks his arrows with Witcher 3 level deflection tactics then starts pounding him against the ground, fists all up in him... damn, sounds really gay when I describe it like that.
Anyway, Jon wins. Ramsey is tied up and left in a dog cage. Fittingly, his wife couldn't find the Pedigree Chum so compromises and lets Ramsey's dogs FUCKIN DEVOUR HIM!!!! THAT WAS METAL AS FUCK!!! And then my dog started barking immediately and I shit myself!

RIP Wun Wun an Mr "Your Father was a Cunt" and Rickon aka 22 lines in the whole show aka Sonic. Fuck my life, that was a fantastic episode, even without Margery!

Peace yall!

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 8: Hi, I'm Arya Stark, Welcome to Jackass!

Sup yall blathering, Bob Geldof blastin out ya speakers on a Friday night ass dipshits, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Rok-Dig-Ba aka Witchdoctor Rodney aka Moisto the Gimp, less get into diss.

So Brienne Blessed rolls up on Jaime's posse and bullies him into lettin her visit Sansa's uncle in his nursing home, which he has locked himself in since he realised the nurses were stealin his pills. Unfortunately, Muthafuckin Blackfish is too smart to deal wid her "The Army Needs You!" letter an tells her ta fuck off back to Goldfingers aka Five Finger Death Slap. Oh, and Bronn molests a young boy afta insulting him for not gettin his dick wet wid Brienne.

Speakin of young boys getting molested, the Catholic Church show up, an they're on the run fo attempted fingerblasting when the Hound catches up. He tells them to "chop chop" and then whips they asses like a dominatrix in a horse race. He then bumps into his old penpals, the immortal pirate aka OG Jon Snow aka undead Popeye an his life coach the manbun man aka international hangman champion 2007, an afta some food critiquing, cock waving and light strangulation, the Hound decides to join their band as the replacement drummer for that boyfingering bald bloke who he castrated back in teh woods. In short, the Hound is now my favourite character again.

The man is a legend.

Meanwhile, Jaime tries to convince Edmeh to try out this new form of contraceptive, where you fire a baby out of a catapult, but Edmuh shoots it down (the idea, not the baby). Jaime lets Edmuh go and he tries to get the Blackfish to come out an play, but Blackfish is halfway through season 4 of Breaking Bad an refuses to come out. Edmuh lets Jaime and those peasant ass Freys in, whilst Blackfish helps Brienne an Pod escape. He then remembers he left his porn collection at the top of the stairs and runs back.
Jaime is then told that this epic badass war general died. THE FUCKN BLACKFISH IS FUCKIN DEAD?!?!? Jus like dat? At this point I expected him to go: "oh, an boss, King's Landing got nuked an all major characters there are dead lol".

Back in China Town, Qyburn brings Cersei her happy pills but then some hardcore Mormons show up and start insulting science as bullshit. The Mountain, who has a PHD in the physics and anatomy of efficient head trauma, wins the debate by pulling a dude's head off like a fuckin dandelion.

Arya is rescued by a bowl of shitty soup an some LSD milk, whilst Lady Crane tells her about stabbin a guy to death wit a fucken dildo. When Arya wakes up, Crane is more broken an fucked up than a table from Ikea, an the Termiwafer rocks up to finish the ganking. Fortunately, Arya discovers a portal to Assassin's Creed, and parkours around the city for a while. What I really took away from this is that Lady Crane has some fuckin effective painkillers. Also, the people in that city will yell out in horror if their baskets get damaged, but don't bat an eyelid at bleeding little stabbed girls, assassins with knives in plain sight shoving past them, or a blind girl gettin the shit kicked out of her.
Eventually, Arya's bathsalt high wears off an she staggers into a dark room. The Waif starts gettin all cocky an shit, and talks shit about Arya's Youtube channel. Luckily, Arya is an emo and is better off in the darkness, so when the electricity gets cut off, she kills the Waif.
Jack Sparrow finds the face hangin up like a fuckin Christmas decoration, an then Arya tells him she is Arya Stark. He calls her no one, leadin me to believe he has the worst short term memory ever, then she storms off. The Faceless Assassins meet to discuss the complete failure of their apprenticeship scheme and begin a new recruitment drive.

Ah, well, this week's MVP was Blackfish, fo going out like a beast, even if we didn't see it, and Grey Worm for bringing the comedy as always.
Till next time...

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 7: Peasants Everywhere

Sup yall toe suckin, paint snortin bishes, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Smack Daddy Simulator 5000 aka the Phantom Pisser aka Donald Dank, an iss dat time of the week again.

So Jaimie brings his wingman, ya boi Bronn the Bro, along on his lil lads night out to Frey Country, where they stumble across some dunce cap wearing peasants tryin to sell rope to the Blackfish by pretendin to hang his semi-retarded nephew. Seriously, those Frey lads must've just hijacked a truck fulla those minging grey and brown hats or the caretaker from Hogwarts just gives them out every year for Christmas whilst tryin to convince his family he's just goin senile so he can get away wid givin them shits.

This is the face of a cunning mufucka.

Blackfish watches this lil pantomime for a few moments before his chronic bladder infection flares up again in the presence of peasant ass Freys and he wanders off to watch Emmerdale or sumthin. Jaime steps up an bitch slaps the more disgusting lookin peasant for his dingy colour schemes an shit, whilst Bronn gives out advice on what colours match the soldiers' eyes.

Jaime then gets verbally roasted by Blackfish, who tells him he's disappointed in him, making Jaime wonder if Blackfish is really his father. He returns to the Freys with a MISSION COMPLETE banner an a Tony Blair sex doll. Bronn is disappointed with this.

Meanwhile the FUCKIN HOUND RETURNS BOISSSZ!!!! Whilst livin wid his new homeless stoner Iraq vet priest best bud, an gettin blazed in the valleys, the Hound briefly wonders if Arya's doin alright, whilst his godly pal starts shoutin orders to his flashbacks.

Arya gets brutally stabbed like a pregnant sidebitch at a wedding party. However, it turns out the locals who ignored a blind girl gettin the shit beat out of her in broad daylight will also ignore a girl bleeding and stumblin all ova da place too. Seemed like such a pleasant place, wid that local murder cult of assassins an shit.

Sansa an Jon meet a girl, but because she ain't ginger, Jon's mystical powers of literally being Jesus Christ have no effect. Also, she's like twelve years old, so it would be a bit weird, unless they fed her some of Bran's puberty pills. Davos tries to adopt her, but she knows it would just end wid MILFassandre burnin her ass as a sacrifice to the weather forecast. She tells them to get fuckt, before providing a few roadies to help the Stark Family Final World Tour. Damn, she probably coulda kicked Joffrey's arse as a fetus a few seasons back son. Reminds me of dis bitch wat gave me my first Valentine Card...

Good times.

Dat cool ol lady tries to convince Margery dat the only way Game of Thrones can possibly get more viewers is if she does a naked walk, but dat shit ain't happenin apparently cuz the Shame Nun lost her bell. The High Sparrow also gives off intense "creepy maths teacher outside your window at night" vibes when he tells Margery he's concerned she's not lettin Tommo drown his kingly boner in her queenly cavern. He pretty much strate up tells her she needs to fondle some royal balls for the greater good. Not like priests would ever do anything sexual involving child...oh... oh no... flashbacks to choir practice!!! No... NO NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Speakin ov priests, less check up on the Hound's new BFF...

...ah... shoulda known... he got killed... well, at least we still got the Hound!

MVP ov da episode... shit mang, Blackfish, Bronn, the lil Bear Island girl, Margery's nan, stoner hippie priest hobo, THE FUCKEN HOUND... really anyone who wasn't dressed in greyish brown peasant ass clothes.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 6: The Samtard Show

Ayy bois, iss ya boi Sup Yagglesbee aka Motorboatarola aka Wankenstein's Monsta. Now dat we've all gotten over Hodor's death an have focused our collective outrage on dat sneaky bitch David Cameron once again, less get into the review.

First off, it seems Bran Squad's sacrifice was pointless, as Bran an Meera aka the character who's taken the most shit without complainin throughout the whole series (possibly) are surrounded by zombies. Meera goes in for a hug, an Bran immediately breaks out of his coma for a chance to lose his v-card before the walking dead extras rip them apart.
Unfortunately for a crippled boy's boner, a mysterious figure appears to fling some fireballs about and save dey asses. Good thing Hodor wasn't there really, or he'd have broken the horse's legs when he climbed on.
So as Bran desperately stores the memory of Meera hugging him in the VR wankbank, the stranger reveals himself to be Uncle Benji aka the North's Bear Grylls, who reveals he was jus cruisin about on a mental gap year lookin to tap some sweet Wilding pooss when the ice Nazis ganked his ass.

Since I've run out of offensive Sesame Street pictures, I'll jus use The Wire gifs instead.

And finally we get to see more of Samtard and Gilly and their Satan Spawn lookin ass adopted inbred Aryan child... future Joffrey or wateva. Anyway, I desperately tried to stay awake through their scenes for the first time ever, an I found out that Smatard's mum is a milf and also his dad's pretty much me but old-

...oh shit... does this mean... no... it can't be... 

AM I SAMTARD'S FATHER!!!!!?!??!?!?!?

Of course not, ya bish, it's a fictional TV show, an they ain't doing no Rock Digglesbee crossovers any time soon.

No one enjoys watching the re-enactment of her enemies' brutal deaths, before suddenly deciding that she ain't gonna slip some Cosby pills in Lady Crane's drink for Jacken HGlkKAR. Jacken aka Kurt Cobain takes the new surprisingly well, and rips off a dead guy's face. THAT'S METAL AS FUCK!!!

Back in incest land, the Lannisters get outsmarted by a demented old shoe maker. Margery looks fit as fuck. Her dad gives the most inspirational speech since Samuel L Jackson's "I have a dream, motherfucker" speech, despite lookin like he just fell through a Halloween costume shop on the way there.

Me when I found out that Margery wasn't gonna do the naked walk.

Samtard violates the terms of his probation by nicking his dad's sword and also a pack of Freddos from the local One Stop. Gilly remains on guard duty with her mouth hanging open as always lookin like Cletus offa the Simpsons.

Meanwhile, Jaime finally convinces Cersei to get #wincest trending again despite heavy competition from #shitparents and #savethegorillas(butonlyuntilwefindsomethingelsetogetoutragedat). Also his son fires him harder than the Nerf gun they used to rekill Charles Dance in that play.

The caretaker from Hogwarts is still stuck to his chair an complains that no one's cared about his mouldy ol ass since teh Red Wedding. He also brings the Blackfish hype! Oh, an dat dopey fucka what got married at the Red Wedding looks like he's loving the married lifestyle.

MVP of diss episode was... ah fuck it, it was Samtard. God, I hate myself for this... Runners up include the pissed off girl who hates No one and Margery's dad's hat.

Peace.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 5: Hold the Tears...

S... s... sup yall too much deodorant using wet noises, iss ya... boi... WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WHY???
Ahem, less get started before my anti-depressants wear off. Ha, only joking, I don't use anti-depressants - I only took a shitload of horse tranquillisers and sniffed some glue sticks.

So in this episode Dickless Whittington an his miserable goth sister try to win an election by pandering to a bunch of impressionable Viking looking bikers. Then their creepy uncle shows up like that friend who always has better jokes than you, an insults Theon for not knowin which public toilets he has to use now. Then the Drowned God Al-Quaeda throw him into the sea and awkwardly stand around wonderin why he's not breathing and if anyone knows CPR. Fortunately, Euron Trouble Now wakes up and wants to kill his niece and nephew. Probly had some sort of freaky near death experience induced hallucination where his crown wasn't just a tacky Christmas decoration.

Meanwhile, Lilfinga rolls up lookin smug as shit like some snakey used car salesman ass mufucka, but gets his ass lit up by Sansa. The most important thing here is that ya boi BLACKFISH is mentioned, an ya boi Davos the Hypebringer calls him a LEGEND!!!! BLACKFISH CONFURMET!!!

Game of Thrones spin-off confirmed!

Jorah makes a last ditch attempt to leap free of the friendzone, but gets told ta fuck off until he cures his super-herpes. His line about his dick being solid stone now just didn't cut it unfortunately.

Next ya boi Charles Xavier watched a man getting penetrated by some alien lookin lizard thangs, which, I mean, hey, Bran, ole buddy, it's yo fetish, bud, I mean, damn son, you tried to ave a cheeky wank to some incest in the first episode an look where that got you. Surely, nothing worse can happen because of Bran being a stupid kid, right?

No one went to watch a shitty movie. She talked with Jaken Inarticulate Throat Clearing Noise about it, an apparently he's heard good things but he's currently marathoning season 3 of Breaking Bad. Arya reveals spoilers so we're subjected by a giant naked warty dick taking up the screen as punishment.

But at least it wasn't this one.

 So the end grows near. But Bran tries to play COD whilst the stoned tree bloke takes an afternoon nap watching amputee porn on his VR gear. Unfortunately, Bran pisses off some mental fuckin Albanians by calling their mums slags on Xbox Live. They send the original Mr Whippee aka Mr Freeze aka Ice to meet you aka Darth Maul's Norwegian cousin with his albino mafia and some crack addicts to fuck im up.
Bran squad ain't ready for Wave 3 of zombies yet as old goth man warned him. But Bran Flakes insists on bein a shite team mate an tells them he has a plan.

Pictured: the result.

As Bran falls into a magic mushroom induced coma, Meera an the leprechauns try to fight off zombies an get Hodor to reconnect his controller so he can actually help them. Shit goes down hill afta Hodor wakes up. Olaf from Frozen strolls in like the final boss an just strate up disintegrates that old fucker by slicin his ass up like he was Kylo Ren or sum shit.

Summer jumps in and dies because winter has come and symbolism is great an all that but is it ironic that the wolf called Ghost is the only one doin ok at the moment for all we know. I like to think my dog would try to defend me from zombies but he's a pussy so he'd probly jus wag his tail and lick them til they legs fell off. 

The final four make a run for it, desperately wantin Bran to find the batteries for his controller quickly. The last lizard person decides to kill herself to buy them an extra two seconds with her magical Molotov cocktail. 

They make it out the door... but how do they keep it shut? Luckily, Bran mind rapes Hodor into becoming Hodor during a panic so that Hodor is Hodor enough to be Hodor in the future ensuring that Hodor can hold the door and Hodor the Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor.

RIP Bran Squad Bros: the Wolf of Symbolstreet, the Crow Bro, the Reptilian Master Race, my belief in me not being able to feel sadness and finally the MAN, the MYTH, the LEGEND, the HODOR! HE HELD THAT FUCKIN DOOR!!!!

MVP of this episode is Hodor. Although runners up include Edd, who finally realised he'd been left in charge an now had to deal wit the paperwork of a dude comin back to life and just abandoning the Wall, Tormund's creepy smile to Captain Phasma, and MUFAFUCKIN BLACKFISH, BISH!

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 4: RIP Non Nudity Clause

Previously on the Rock Digglesbee Report...

"Emilia Clarke's non nudity clause almost became another one to add onto the pile of dead bodies, but impossible camera angles preserved her dignity" - Rock "the Rock" Digglesbee, 2016

...well, damn, I've never been happier at being wrong. DEM TATTAES DOE!!!!
When dey was all bowing an shit, an Jorah just had to have a lil peek at dem twin dragon heads, like damn, this was probly his MakeAWish wish or sum shit. Meanwhile, he can tell his boy Super Dario that she really is fire retardant. I mean, shit son, you'd think one of Khal Brogo's bros would at least have a little bit of fire safety training. I like to think dat the bloke who they turned into a lumpy strawberry ice cream with that giant boulder was the designated fire marshal, and dat that was their plan all along.

Speaking of tits, Theon went home an got roasted by his sister for being a spineless (read: dickless) lil biatch. He was apologising more times than Jeremy Hunt with appendicitis (ha, relevant). But fuck im, less get back to the good type ov tits.

Still praying for her to release the battleships!

So that bitch ass pussy ass stupid ass lanky ass inbred ass Aryan mufucka Tommo aka Joffrey V.2 now with 100% less backbone made an appearance to put a stop to any hopes for Margy's nude stroll through town. Fuck man, it ain't like anyone would throw shit at her or anythin man, they'd all be busy snappin dat shit on dere medieval iPhones or burning the memory into their wankbanks.

Margery herself appeared to listen to Stoned Sparrow blaze it up and ramble about how shoes are just like, you know, poor people an shit, you know... Her goofy doofus ass brotha was all cryin an shit too, probly cuz he jus saw the trailer for dat new Ghostbusters film.

Jon Snuh reunited with his sister through his mystical ginger magnetism powers. Ramsey sent them a letter basiclly challenging Snowlo to rap battle an insultin an army of violent murderers who owe Jonny boy their lives... smart moves Ramsey. This letter basically boiled down to "lol m9 1v1 me on Da Norf map pack bish I fuckt yor sistur faggit lol cum an see bastard ps i got yo lil brotha an I'm gonna make him dress up like Sansa whils i go full Saville on his ass bastard come an see!".

Also Briene rolled up on Badgerbeard and GILFassandre to inform them politely that she lopped their boss's head off an that they probly will be next and also they ain't invited to her dinner with Jon an Sansa an the Bear an Pod and King Edd of the Wall, who's so lazy he's still letting Jon get all the letters adressed to the Lord Commander. Smart bloke, he'll probly be the last one standin at the Wall after all this shit... although, given my previous predictions, he's probably gonna be incinerated by a dragon in the nex episode.

In our weekly reminded that Ramsey's a bit of a cunt, he ganked that girl from the Harry Potter films... she was in one of the better ones anyway. Nice of her to come back for those five minutes of screen time since 2004 or weneva she disappeared off ta Sesame Street.

It's still safer for Rickon than going home.

Anyway, that's all I got diss week, fuckas.
MVP of the episode was definitely Danaereola's titties doe. PEACE!

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 3: Your Father was a Cunt

Sup bishes, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Decapitated Pet Presentation (my new screamo band name) aka Yeastmaster aka Tony Stank.

So this episode was all sorts ov fun. We had ya boi Qyburn aka FranQybstein handin out sweets to abused lil kids in his torture chamber. We had wolf heads being used as paperweights by some guy who became my favourite character the minute he called Bolton Senior a cunt... multiple times... to his son's face. We also had an old fucka shart during a meeting when Sir Headsquasher Esquire emerged.

Oh... and I've never been happier to see the suffocation of a child! Fuck, that came out wrong! I sound like some kind of demented scumba-

...well, I mean...

...

Anyways... enough about my happy and mature sense of humour, you stinky cum crusts.

Meanwhile, Tyrion Tah God was busy conductin marriage councillin for a slave and a castrated man. They both got pissed off cuz Grey Worm waz complainin about needed a special separate set of public toilets for dudes wid no dicks, but then King of the Cockless aka "Who's yo favrite Game of Thrownes characta?" "It VARYS!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!" waltzes in like my boss ten minutes into the morning meeting and throws all the exciting chat about petrol out the damn window.

Emilia Clarke's non nudity clause almost became another one to add onto the pile of dead bodies, but impossible camera angles preserved her dignity so I had to go back to watch Season 1 to get my daily dose of dragon queen tits.

However, despite all the menacing dickless bald blokes, teenagers gettin sliced up by medieval General Grevious, Bran To The Future escapades, and Gordon Ramsey lookalike hangings, I was still unprepared for the most disgustin sight Game of Thrones has eva revealed. Some say that MILF... I mean GILFassandre's wrinkly, haunted ole bacon taco was the worst thing they've seen, some say Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, however these both pale in comparison to the fuckin ATROCIOUS scene which was thrust upon my unsuspectin eyes during this episode...

This cunt.

So we got to see Samtard once again. He threw up a couple times and generally acted like a pissy little bitch. But, hey, Gilly looks hotter than I remember. But they're both still the character equivalents of geometry and celery: they're both individually boring and together they're still fuckin boring. Also the Ageless Baby has finally grown his first hairs after recently celebrating his two thousandth birthday with a sacrifice to the devil.

No one got to train how to fight blind... and then got her sight back... nice plan there, Creeping Jesus.

And finally, fuckin Beardy McBeardface aka the son of that bloke what got his fuckn fingers nibbled off by Robb's wolf in like Season 2 showed up to claim this week's trophy for MVP of the episode. He called Ramsey's papa a cunt, a cunt, and a cunt. Despite his colossal balls of steel effecting the rotation of the earth with their sheer ballsiness, the crazy bastard wasn't done jus yet, bois an gurls. He brought out ma boy Rickon for the Stark Final Reunion Tour. Then slammed his dead wolf's head down on the table... and the internet exploded into denial. Between this and the fucken bloodhounds, I'm beginnin ta think Game of Thrones fans like animals more than other humans. 

Anyway, until next time, peace.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 2: Splat! Woof! Gasp!

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Doobie Doo aka Mr "I like long, moonlit walks on unstable bridges" and do yall have a minute to talk about the lord and saviour Jon Snow? Muhfucka straight up rose up like fuckin Tupac in Cuba or sum shit! It'd be great if all he can say from now on is jus internet memes tho.

Edd: Hooray, you came back!
Jon: Edd, you smart... you loyal!
Edd: Uh, yeah, but anyway, there's some redhead woman to see you.
Jon: Another one!
Edd stabs Jon repeatedly. Ollie nods.

Anyway, sum otha shit occurred so let's git into it!

So Bolton Junior Han Solo'd his daddy afta hearin too much about how his new wife has SOOO much cushin for the pushin. After old Roose got poisoned by his enemies and started a medieval game of Cluedo which includes pretty much everyone as a suspect, the lovable scamp Ramsay takes his lil brother to see his pet doggies. Unfortunately, the dogs haven't seen the bloodhounds that disappeared last episode come back yet, so they were pissed and assumed the BBW had eaten them as a pregnancy craving. In all honesty it was probly the hardest to watch scene of the series so far...

...meh, don't lie, you'd tap that too.

Elsewhere, a drunk man got a slap round the head for pissin in the street. It seems the Mountain just can't put his head crushing glory days in the past yet. Oh, an he's also banned from all funerals because of this melon squashing addiction.

Another wall and giant combo claimed a life as Edd and the Boiz rolled up to avenge Jonstipated aka Jon Sneezus. That giant straight up turned a dude into a squashed ketchup packet, like some raging chubby kid who ain't allowed no extra chicken nuggets at Maccies. Davos awkwardly flirts with the redhead, an the episode sort of veers off into rom-com territory with him saying she makes him believe in miracles and shit.

Meanwhile, Theon wants to go looking for his dick, but Sansa assures him that its probly rotted and decomposed by now. He suggests cutting off the horse's dick and sellotaping that on instead, but Podrick aka Droppin Dat Fiah Mixtape on Dis Campfiah Bruh reminds everyone that he's vegan and animals have feelings an emotions and twenty different genders and Brienne ponders killing him.

Back at Theon's dingy shithole home, Wales, his dad goes for a relaxing stroll across a rickety bridge in the middle of a fuckin monsoon. His brother aka a young Hulk Hogan shows up and tries to convince him to join his Mariachi band as a tambourine player. Unfortunately, what is dead may never die, and he dies trying to kill his brother's dream of making it in the music industry. His brother later sings an inspirational song at the funeral: "WAKE ME UP INSIDE!!!! CAN'T WAKE-

Bran aka token disabled person now that Prince Hot Wheels is dead aka Charles Xavier returns to have some sorta Ghost of Christmas Past type flashbacks. He sees his dad and his uncle (who no one cares about being missing since the first fucken season!!!) but more importantly Hodor appears... AND HE CAN FUCKIN TALK LIKE A REAL PERSON NOT JUST LIKE A FUCKIN POKEMON!

Tyrion gets drunk and gets his dickless buddy to record his attempt at the "Roast Me" Challenge. Too bad he sobers up and gets teh fuck outta dere before being barbecued afta he tells the dragons he shagged their mum.

"Is that... DWARF PENIS!!! IT HAS MAGIC POWERS, YOU KNOW!!!"

 Other odds an ends:
-Cosplaying Jesus returns to mock a girl for forgetting her own name.
-Bran gets friend zoned by the only girl he's seen in years.
-That other girl knockin about at that tree lookin like the kid of dat giant herpes sore bloke from Suicide Squad.
-Still no Samtard in sight!
-Oh, and Jon Snow came back.

This week's MVP was mah boi Ramsay. Juss a straight up endearing and likeable character who I absolutely think will survive til the end of the series.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 1: An Extended Advert for Anti-Ageing Cream

Sup yall breathing moose knuckle looking dimwits sucking on corn shucks and pondering how many fingas yall can fit in yo rectum, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka the Godly Broccoli aka MARTHA aka Hillary Clinton's dusty old dildo collection. I'm here to talk to yall about the new Game of Thrones episode what everyone's been freakin out about. Less get RIOOOOOIIIIOOOIIITE into the reviEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

So first up we got dat lazy ass bastard Jonny Snow, who has apparently succumbed to his chronic constipation and finally shat himself so hard his stomach ruptured into stab wounds. At least, I'm sure dat's what ya boi Ollie is telling anyone who asks. The Sad Badger aka Mr Fingerblast 2012 aka Mutton Man gets some ov Jon's depressed Goth friends to bring his body in, as they're running outta food an dey got mouths to feed, even if Samtard's fat arse is finally gone. MILFassandre pops up to try an convince them that necrophilia is a great method of resuscitation, but Edd fucks off to find his long lost brother Bronn, and also promises to tell Jon about his mum when he gets back so he probly won't come back. Also Jon's dog conveniently pops up for like the first time in two years, having had a wonderful trip to the fucking Bahamas or wateva.
Gordon Ramsey gives a rousing speech about how Julius Caesar-ing Jon Snowden was the best thing to do while that lil shit Ollie mopes around listening to Greenday (WAKE ME UP!!!) and everyone sorta just accepts that and shrugs cuz fuck it.

Back at the Bolton Funhouse, Psycho Harry Potter feeds his sidechick's corpse to his dogs. His dad calls him a fuckin failure despite the fact that he destroyed Stannis Broatheon's army a couple days back. His dad also goes into great detail about his BBW fetish and reminds him of the time he walked in on him licking gravy off his chubby stepmother's sweaty backrolls.

"It looked like this, dad!"

Meanwhile, after miraculously healing their broken legs from jumpin off a fuckin castle, Igor aka Dickless Wonder aka Castration Nation drags the emo ginger girl through the snow in a scene reminiscent of an episode of Crime Watch I saw when I was in the middle of a five day horse tranquillizer and paint sniffing binge. Anyway, they hide in a fuckin tree and wait for hypothermia to release them from the pain of living (CAN'T WAKE UP!!!!!) but a bunch of blokes wid dogs roll up accusing Theon of having epic microscopic levels of shrinkage, but then Captain Thrown Down a Trash Chute shows up an kicks ass, an some internet animal rights activists got all worried about "W...w... where did teh doogs gu?! I need imeges ov dem runnnin oof even doe dey blodhunds an not fiting dugs!?" but so what, where did the horses go? Who gives a shit?

Then a black guy dies. Yeah, the Black Hulk aka Token aka Nick Fury on Steroids gets taken out by a little girl. Prince Hot Wheels aka "I Want That One" Guy gets stabbed by that crazy woman. His son, Prince One Direction Reject gets impaled on a boat by magically teleporting Sand Snakes. One ov them fights with a whip! A FOOKIN WHIP!!! WHAT WAS SHE GONNA INDIANA JONES HIS ASS TO DEATH BY GIVIN HIM FLASHBACKS TO CRYSTAL FUCKIN SKULL!!!!!!

Margery looks fuckin bangable as ever, even wit dirt all over her an matted hair an... hold on, is dat teh Shame Nun? Oh shit son! MARGERY FREEING TEH TWIN BEACHBALLS IN NAKED WALK CONFURMD!!!

A midget and the second major castrated character on this show make an appearance, and seem happy enough watching the world burn around them while firing shots and visiting extremist training camps.

These ones specifically.

Jaimie tries to convince Cersei to get #wincest trending on Twitter again but nah, she only wanted to try shaggin her brother in front of the still warm corpse of their poisoned child one time. Frankenstein's Mountain looms ominously.

Arya aka Stevie Wonder aka Daredevil (I'm sure no one else has made this comparison) gets beaten up by one of the twins from the Shining for being poor. It's a metaphor for George Osbourne, I think. That's what I see anyway, but she probly doesn't. OOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Danny gets captured by Youtube commenters and taken back to WatchMojo headquarters where they rank her as number 5 on their top 10 best things to do in Game of Thrones. Khal BROgo gets cockblocked so hard by Aquaman from beyond the grave that even Jorah felt sorry for his unwashed ass.

Meanwhile Jorah the Explorer and the Hippie adventure off havin all sorts of banter. Then people got confused as to how Jorah could have found that ring in the middle of nowhere... I GUESS THE TRAMPLED FUCKIN CROPCIRCLE AROUND IT MEANS NOTHIN! THE BISH WAS CLEARLY ABDUCTED BY ANAL LOVIN ALIENS!!!

Speakin of Mexicans, back at the Wall, Davos entertains Jon's buddies wit knock knock jokes. Thornberry gets tired of this shit and demands they take this outside. Davos hangs a "Beware the Dog" sign up just in case. Jon stays dead.

Finally MILFassandre is actually GILFassandre! Who fuckin knew? Anyway, I'd gone too far by that point an, well, I still would, to be fair. Although, its weird, she probably put her hip outta place givin birth to dat smoke cloud back in the day, an does dis make Stannis a grannybanger? I'm sure there are enuff jokes about haunted pussyflaps out there so I'll refrain from becoming so crude. 

Anyway, this week's MVP was ma brutha Edd. Hopefully, he survives long enough to shovel some more shit for the Watch.

All That Yall Need To Know About Batman Vs Superman

Sup bois, it's future conqueror of Belgium, Rock "Thunder Bulge" Digglesbee aka Clark Kunt aka Sex Luther aka the only man willing to watch a sequel to a remake of the film equivalent of day old monkey shit that got flung at the schoolchildren who were only visiting the zoo and now will grow up to have an irrational fear of unshaved Mexicans and grow up to be the next Donnie Trump or sum shit which was the Green Lantern film. I'm here today to let yall unrepentant diddlers know all about the new Ghostbusters film.

It's shit.

Now, with that outta the way, I'll get to the meat and bones and rapidly spreading cancer of the bone marrows that makes up this here blog... reviews for films an other shit that pours from my semi-retarded mind. Today's target is JFK's head... I mean, uh, Batty Boy Versus Soup Kitchen aka Emo Kid Versus that Buff as Fuck Math Teacher that Called him a Wrist Slitting Waste of Man Batter and Cunt Butter aka What Happens When You Introduce Two People Whose Parents Died aka Dark an Gritty DC Superhero Clusterfuck Movie #307.

Pictured: The relationship DC movies have with the general public.

So what'll happen in the film is this: It'll start wid some low level, vaguely ethnic criminals doing a rape or an arson or some shit when OHMAFUCKENGODISSBATMUN! an Batman approaches to save the orphanage or wateva the fuck. Meanwhile, Superman is being played by Rebel Wilson for the sake of attracting keyboard feminists and BBW fetishists to the cinema so they can brag online about how "progressive" and "empowering" this film about two grown men throwing a massive tantrum about being rich, obnoxious Kanye West level dickweeds really is.
So Soup Kitchen aka the Fuckin Master of Disguise aka Not Clark Kent aka a joke about how the Oscars are designed to oppress the Mexicans because they made a film called the Room and there were walls in it an Mexicans can't look at a wall without crying any more thanks to ya boi Donald Duck aka the American (Retarded) Boris Johnson, shows up at Mark Zuckerberg's weird cousin's bah mitzfah wid his vision constantly fucked from forcing himself to wear non prescription glasses all teh fuckin time (maybe there'll be some Specsaver's product placement in there?) an gets introduced to Bat Nipple, I mean, Nipple Man, I mean... shit. Wonder Woman, who is now Hispanic and Asian at the same time for the sake of racial diversity shows up to give nerds and feminists awkward boners, so just look for all the people suddenly crossing their legs in the cinema when you watch dis shit.

And then shit like this happens after the film is over.

Oh, an then Carl Drogo aka the Stephen Hawking of Game of Thrones aka lolfish.com aka Captain Bird's Eye Fishfingers will make a split second appearance at one of Batman's strip clubs, pimping out Robin to the mutated fuckbois of Gotham City. The Flash will be forced to introduce himself to his neighbours after some kids start tellin they parents some dude ran past school doing a Flash. And after DC manage to shove in all these cameos like coathangers being shoved up a woman pregnant wid triplets at an abortion clinic, the fifth hour of the film will bring in Supergirl, played by Ice Cube for the sake of equality, to beat down Stan Lee or sum shit... I really don't care... I think everyone expects this film to be a fucken trainwreck anyway so I really can't be arsed to insult it properly.
I predict Green Lantern 4 will do better.
Peace out yall "I just wanted to write a paragraph about how great my mum is on Facebook because I forgot to buy a card for Motha's Day" ass bishes!

All That Yall Need To Know About Suicide Squad

Sup yall rooster throttling anal bleeders, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Diggy Rockdust aka Boycottin the Oscars cuz There's no Trannies Nominated aka the Part Time Savage. Basically, I'm juss droppin by to throw yall starvin ass, flappy lipped meow meow snorters some change in the form of knowledge. Knowledge on the upcoming sequel to the wildly successful Heath Ledger bio-pic Straight Outta Gotham (Crazy Motherfucker Named Two-Face). That sequel has been, disrespectfully, in ma opinion, called Suicide Squad, and it deals wid Ledger an Kurt Cobain wreaking havoc wit the big homie God up in heaven. Trust me, ya bish, I am semi-fluent in nerd... I watched half an episode of Star Trek once and I did a week of physics at college, I'm practically the next George Lucas, except, you know, I have a chin that is separate from my neck, for now.

George Lucas pictured here just launching a baby into the sky.

 Anyway, less get on with this lil run down of what exactly the fuck is Suicide Squaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
Well, iss kinda like X-Men, except they haven't churned out enough films that no one actually gives a shit about to be exactly the same. Also, instead of a Stephen Hawking rip off/happiest Holocaust survivor ever, they've got the Joker's try-hard lil brother who fell in a boiling tub of Starbucks brand mud-in-a-cup and came out as an anorexic little weirdo who looks like he got them scars from stuttering at a poetry reading after Harry Styles walked into the room.
As for the rest of this motley crew...

Sex Offenders Register: The Movie.

First off, just to the left there, we got the star player for some American high school's baseball team, who has decided to go down the route of lookin like the most unemployable fuckwit on the planet by tattooing his head so that it actually looks like a baseball.
Next to this freak is the physical embodiment of genital warts. I don't think I agree with him being in such close proximity wit the others an potentially spreadin dis shit about. Guy's head looks like iss about to fall off an chase Indiana Jones down a tunnel or sum shit.
Then we have the Fresh Prince of Gotham aka Deadpool fanboy aka Will this film make people forget that I brought Jaden Smith into this world? This guy seems pretty cool actually, I jus hope he does the Carlton dance at least once before he dies first (you know, because he's black).
Next to Big Willy we have that girl that was a right slag at school and went out with one of your mates an she used to force the guy to hang out with only her an abandon yall crew fo her but then they broke up and yall found out that she was a straight up psycho who would threaten to kill herself if the dude even dared to smile at dat cute girl who served yall at some restaurant or sum shit and held a knife to his throat if he even got a text from his nan (who was a right GILF, but das a story for another day) but everyone still thought she could get the old ham cannon despite being a confirmed maniac. For real though, this girl looks like the cheerleader for the "I'm trying to hard to be different cuz I'm an uninteresting piece of shit" crowd. Still bangable doe, even though she looks like her pastimes include listening to Avril Lavigne and crying.
Next to her is Tom Hardy's brother Dave. Dave had a hard life as he was raised in the darkest corner of the ruins of Bridgewater an had to rise up above the web-toed masses by winning the Bridgewater Heavyweight Champion belt after beating the shit outta a bunch of snaggle-toothed Jeremy Kyle rejects.
The woman who's hurt her leg appears to be obsessed with Japan, which is always a telltale sign of cringe-inducing mental fuckery. She probably has an extended scene where she argues that My Little Pony is the cure for cancer or some shit before drop kicking Will Smith's children off of the Great Wall of China, jus to prove they are even bigger pussies than dem Japanese bitches who took two nukes up the ass like a Call of Duty obsessed gimp.
Behind her is that crazy lady who you see around your town occasionally, chasing people around with dildos in her hand or arguing with herself. She's also probably a Cher tribute act (citation needed).
And then we have a guy who looks like he's probably been arrested for flashing at a school bus at least twice in his life. I mean, dude's coat is suspect as fuck. What's he hiding a fuckin meth lab in there or sum shit?
Finally there's some guy at the end. He doesn't seem that important.
So there you have it, fuckbois, there's all yall bishes need to know about the characters in Suicide Squad. Hopefully, now you'll be able to cheer along with your friends whenever the Flasher gets in a witty one liner on the Human Cold-Sore.
Peace.

Rock Digglesbee Reviews: The Hateful Eight

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