Sup bedwetters, new's year ressie, more than 1 Rock Digglesbee review to bless yall butt-guzzler dweebs in a year. Lessgetit!
God of War aka God of Scraps aka "You Wanna Take This Outside, Mate?": God Edition is the latest in my favourite genre of game - the "angry man becomes reluctant father-figure" type game. Previous selections from this Celebrations box of bloody violence (enough to make a child protection service go into meltdown if they weren't so busy diddling kids in Haiti) include other "protect child and kill shit" titles like The Last of Us, Witcher 3 and Call of Duty: Playground Warfare Iran Expansion.
Unlike in 2Last2Furious and W3tcher, Craters is a massive bellend, basically inviting Childline to barge in on him calling his pasty-faced weakling of a kid a god-tier disappointment. Craters aka Midlife Crises Tribal Tattoos aka Albino Lumberjack, is a Greek immigrant who continues the proud tradition of smashing the fuck out of things. His voice is like an avalanche of combine harvesters chewing gravel falling onto a regular man's voice box. I don't think I've ever heard a deeper voice.
Then there's Atreus aka Milhouse aka Lowkey Disaster Waiting to happen. He shoots arrows and misses his mum. At one point he insults a dwarf, and we all know you're supposed to call them "little people" these days. Fuckin Gen Z snowflake!
The story kicks off with Craters getting a visit from Connor McGregor, whose gone off a shit tonne of zoinkies and rum so he don't feel no pain. Craters throws a fuckin mountain on him and goes home. Then the boys go on a roadtrip.
Kratos sees one of those "milfs in your area looking to fuck" signs and ends up meeting Freya, who turns out to be Odin's wife. Craters ain't about those taters, and heads off. Along the way, a pair of midgets fiddle with his axehandle, and yes, that is a euphemism.
Craters and Atrium fight trolls and orcs and crackheads and eventually end up getting some head from an old man in a tree. The Head is my favourite character. He's basically a Pokedex for Norse mythology.
In the end, Connor McGregor turns out to be angry because his real name is Balder or Boulder or Baldie McBaldface. By the way, Craters fuckin kills the Hardy brothers when they try to tagteam against him and Lil A.T. So, after getting inside a snake to take back an eyeball, Balder gets his ass kicked in front of his mum. To spare him the humiliation, Kraty Perry snaps his neck. Then they climb a mountain into the sun and sprinkle cocaine.
And then Old Krates says Atreus is actually Loki so by killing Baldur they've basically brought Ragnarok forward, heralding the end of the fucking world. The sequel's going to be a mad ting!
Peace... or war, whatever's best for you wetties!