Monday, 20 January 2020

God of Scrapping: The Adventures of Crater and Arrowboy

Sup bedwetters, new's year ressie, more than 1 Rock Digglesbee review to bless yall butt-guzzler dweebs in a year. Lessgetit!
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God of War aka God of Scraps aka "You Wanna Take This Outside, Mate?": God Edition is the latest in my favourite genre of game - the "angry man becomes reluctant father-figure" type game. Previous selections from this Celebrations box of bloody violence (enough to make a child protection service go into meltdown if they weren't so busy diddling kids in Haiti) include other "protect child and kill shit" titles like The Last of Us, Witcher 3 and Call of Duty: Playground Warfare Iran Expansion.

Unlike in 2Last2Furious and W3tcher, Craters is a massive bellend, basically inviting Childline to barge in on him calling his pasty-faced weakling of a kid a god-tier disappointment. Craters aka Midlife Crises Tribal Tattoos aka Albino Lumberjack, is a Greek immigrant who continues the proud tradition of smashing the fuck out of things. His voice is like an avalanche of combine harvesters chewing gravel falling onto a regular man's voice box. I don't think I've ever heard a deeper voice.
Then there's Atreus aka Milhouse aka Lowkey Disaster Waiting to happen. He shoots arrows and misses his mum. At one point he insults a dwarf, and we all know you're supposed to call them "little people" these days. Fuckin Gen Z snowflake!

The story kicks off with Craters getting a visit from Connor McGregor, whose gone off a shit tonne of zoinkies and rum so he don't feel no pain. Craters throws a fuckin mountain on him and goes home. Then the boys go on a roadtrip.

Kratos sees one of those "milfs in your area looking to fuck" signs and ends up meeting Freya, who turns out to be Odin's wife. Craters ain't about those taters, and heads off. Along the way, a pair of midgets fiddle with his axehandle, and yes, that is a euphemism.

Craters and Atrium fight trolls and orcs and crackheads and eventually end up getting some head from an old man in a tree. The Head is my favourite character. He's basically a Pokedex for Norse mythology.

In the end, Connor McGregor turns out to be angry because his real name is Balder or Boulder or Baldie McBaldface. By the way, Craters fuckin kills the Hardy brothers when they try to tagteam against him and Lil A.T. So, after getting inside a snake to take back an eyeball, Balder gets his ass kicked in front of his mum. To spare him the humiliation, Kraty Perry snaps his neck. Then they climb a mountain into the sun and sprinkle cocaine.

And then Old Krates says Atreus is actually Loki so by killing Baldur they've basically brought Ragnarok forward, heralding the end of the fucking world. The sequel's going to be a mad ting!

Peace... or war, whatever's best for you wetties!

Friday, 20 December 2019

Star Wars Episode 9: The Rise of Lil Sheev

Star Wars Episode 9 begins with a message from the depths of space - a lone voice from the soulless and cold abyss, the final frontier man has dreamed of conquering since time immemorial...

"Sup bedwettas, iss ya boi, Lil Sheev aka Raisin-Face aka Poon Lightning an I'm back at it wid a fresh new mixtape for the streets. Straight Outta Hexagon: Unlimited Power Volume 1..."

Our heroes are horrified. Lil Sheev died in a tragic drive-by shooting in 1997 (he was involved in the Big Ani vs Notorious O.B.I beef). At some point Poe decides to contact some of his old crew from when he used to rob meth heads for copper wiring. They meet Daft Punk and a shaved gremlin called Bubba Fink aka discount Boba Fett.

Way before this though, Lil Sheev sets the record off by dissing the pretender Big Snoke aka "I'll have a number 9...". He hires Chloe Ren as his new manager, and the Star Wars emo-rap scene takes off with the Knights of Ren hyping themselves up. Will these new villains amount to anything? Spoiler: no, they watch their boss have a few schizophrenic episodes then try to beat the shit out of him before getting rekked by a whiny manchild actin big cos of a few spicy Skype calls.

Anyway, before all this, Ray Mysterious sets off to find herself, as does any aspiring twenty-something British posh girl. Bad move. They go to the desert. If you listen closely, you can hear a tiny voice crying out: "I hate sand, it's coarse, irritating and gets everywhere." I have been described in similar words. So yeah, they get chased out the desert by religious extremists, which was too realistic for me.

The bit where Rose shouted "Free Hong Kong" was strange, but she got the Jar Jar treatment for the rest of the film. The bit where C3PO got dementia and was abused by his friends reminded me too much of my nan's nursing home. The bit where I tried to do mental maths to work out when Palps clapped cheeks to produce a twenty year old granddaughter was the most draining experience of my life.

After ignoring Leia's friend request from the last film, just like George Lucas ignores his blood cholesterol results and just like Disney ignores Rian Johnson, everyone in the universe suddenly rocks up with Lando. Lando is suave enough to pull this off, except he's more a fat, senile old man who just stares at the sun now, living out of a fucking caravan. Lando's basically a gypsy. Yay for minorities!

Speaking of minorities, the real bullshit is that  Lando's apparently supposed to reconnect with a long lost daughter. However, in keeping with George "Almighty Chinless" Lucas's incest fetish, they just have a scene where he tries to seduce her instead. At least he's not the only black person in the galaxy anymore. And they killed off Kylo Ren before he could reveal he was actually identifying as Ben Solo AND a woman now. Chewie takes off his suit and is revealed to be a furry. I wasn't even surprised. I was still reeling from the idea of Lil Sheev blasting someone with the old meat cannon. REY'S PARENTS WAS LIKE TWENTY! WHO WAS FUCKING THIS TESTICLE LOOKING PRUNED MOTHERFUCKER?

Anyway, Rey realises she's losing the rap battle against Lil Sheev. The hooded guys from Hot Fuzz make up the crowd and they lose it at his sick bars.

"Yo Rey, you about to get smacked
Your rhymes are like a Christmas special, WACK!
You haven't even beaten a single baddie
Can't even answer 'who's the daddy?'
Hux got fucked, Snoke got smoked without fighting
Fuck with Lil Sheev, get ready for the lightning."

Iss all goin great until Palps pulls out the lightning again. Every fuckin time this dude uses lightning, he gets thrashed! You'd think he'd learn after getting his ugly ass mug mangled the first time! But no, Sheev gets Thanos-snapped with terminal dandruff and dies. He was good til he stopped floating over her. NEVER GIVE UP THE HIGH GROUND, YA BISH! See ya in Episode 12.

Then I realised I'd been watching Cats all along.

No Yareal Poof: -1/10
Although I liked the after-credits scene where Jar Jar puts on the Infinity Gauntlet and says "I'll do it myself".

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Photos taken moments before disaster

Friday, 15 December 2017

Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi

I notice a lotta bedwettas bin out on these Tweets chattin grease about the new Star Wars film. Bunch ov pasty, flabby, unshaven cretins lurkin outside they neighbour's house in the bushes, sweating that extra virgin olive oil, praying to Zeus that the god Rock Digglesbee aka Blogosphere Jones aka Fugazi Zirconium, don't see their ignorant ass ramblings. That being said, less chat sum shit about Star Wars Episode 8: Force Rehab aka Interracial Las Vegas Trip aka Leia Poppins.

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These are your gods now.
So it kicks off wih Poe, still mad from being kicked out of the Teletubbies afta telling a Make-a-Wish kid to "go fuck a goat", making prank calls to General Fuxboi aka HyuxHyuckHyuck. Huxagon gets pissy an fucks shit up, even more than his buddy's ship got fucked up by an Asian kamikaze pilot (my granddad got Pearl Harbour flashbacks at this point). Poe gets a dressing down from Leia, which would have been on every man's bucket list back when the OG films came out, I can assure you.

Luke's pissed off that no one's been returning Christmas cards for like twenty years, so acts like a dick. 

Chloe Ren and Hux have a "You vs the Guy She Tells you not To worry About" moment in front of a wrinkled up wad of gum that has gained sentience and started calling itself Snoke. He tells Ren his Darth Vader cosplay is shit, and that Hux has better sux. Kylo smashes the helmet up.

Finn comes out of a coma and walks around spewing out vital fluids for a few minutes whilst everyone ignores him. I thought that only Americans ignored dying black men? Anyway, he meets a Chinese exchange student, who busts out the kinky stungun a bit too soon. Poe marries the two of them, and sends them on a honeymoon to Las Vegas. Admiral Ackbar gets killed but since no one apparently gives a fuck, Leia supermans her way back onto the ship. My granddad was still having flashbacks of the war at this point.

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We can never eat sushi in peace.
Meanwhile Rey aka Bae is going through belated puberty. She fantasizes about naked Kylo Ren and sees Luke squezin out the ol blue milk. She also thinks about a dark, wet hole a lot, which I'm sure symbolises something else, but my mind is too fucked at this point. Chewie decimates the local wildlife and Luke tries to get R2 to show him some porn, but the magical trashcan still only got the same jerk-off material as 30 years ago. Poor Luke.

Anyway, Finn and Rose get thrown in jail for parking in a disabled space, or just because Finn's black, I dunno. They meet a strange man dressed as a flasher, who acts like Johnny Depp, except he isn't annoying as fuck. They bust some space llamas out and smash up some casinos, before remembering they need to go save Poe an the others.

Rey decides to leave the old man to go meet her Tinder date, except Kylo catfishes her. Elsewhere, Phasma aka I just got this armour painted so don't dent it, captures Finn an Rose whilst Stuttering Steve aka Porky Pig fucks off with a pile of cash. 

Yoda haunts Luke then burns down a temple for shits an giggles. 

Snoke channels Harvey Weinstein to give Rey the worst job interview of all time. The ugly fetus, sliced up rotten avocado lookin mufucka then gets Darth Maul'd by Kylo. It was almost as if you could hear a million batshit theories die with him. His guards realise something fishy has happened so Team ReyRen assembles to kick ass. 

Without Admiral Ackbar to tellem what's what, the rebels fall into a trap. Candyfloss aka Leia's Secretary aka Willy Wonka's Bisexual Daughter crashes a fuckin ship into Snoke's star destroyer after waiting for hours to die. 

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Guess this guy was important.
Rey and Ren argue about who gets to play with Luke's lightsaber and end up snapping it in half like a pair of retards. Meanwhile, Phasma, an elite stormtrooper trained for combat her whole life, gets her ass whupped by Finn, a bloke who woke up from a coma only a few days ago. Phasma Boba Fetts to her death, and Finn, Rose and BB8 the magical coconut aka the best hacker in any film escape to the planet of salt. It's where the guys who make the DC films live.

The First Order drops some walkers... making them Ready Salted Walkers (haha). Finn is gettin sick of his clingy new girlfriend and tries to fly into a fucking cannon, but she crashes her ship into his (again, grandpa was freakin out). Luke rocks up to tell Kylo "1v1 me, pleb" which he does. But wait... Force-ception. Luke was never real! 

Luke just gives up an dies. We've all bin there pal! Meanwhile, Poe and the rebels Snow White their way out of the salt mines by following some glitter-critters. Rey benchpresses like 250 to get the boulders out their way and Finn immediately ditches Rose to go hug her. 

It ends with a kid sweeping, as happens in the cinema at the end of every film. CRAZY!

So yeah, this film is like a child, you might think it's a massive disappointment, you might think you sacrificed your partner's poontang/Admiral Ackbar for nothing, but I still don't give a shit, and I hate children, but the point is, it's a good film.


Friday, 1 September 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 7: Jon's Results

Sup ya bishes, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Slagdaddy Mack aka Janky Danky Hank, and iss the final episode, so less get to it.

So all the main characters pretty much meet up to crack open a cold one. The Hound and Brienne have a good old "hey, remember when you almost killed me, LOL" moment. Then they let a zombie out of a crate, going for the jump scare on Cersei and everyone's scared shitless, but Qyburn's rock hard, looking at the zombie's hand like "you gonna finish that?"

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Deleted scene of Qyburn's reaction.
So we get the Hound telling some dudes he'll kill them if they touch his family bucket of KFC, Bronn, Pod and Tyrion reunion (Two an a Halfman lololololol) an Jon and Davos present one of those QVC adverts to Cersei for their new range of dragonglass knives and cutlery. Nothin cuts through dead fuckers quite like it! Euron is all like Euron Your Own Now and fucks off back to that dingy shithole he ran away from. Or is he...

Meanwhile, Sansa wants to play a game, but Creepy McPedoface aka Where Did the Lil Finga Go? aka the human personification of a white van with tinted windows parked outside of a secondary school, ain't got Guess Who, cuz all the characters died. Lil Finga then gets singled out for a background check and starts to panic. Bran uploads "Lord Baelish EXPOSED (Gone Wrong)(Almost Died!!!)" to Youtube immediately. Then Facey McNoFace gets tired and straight up slits the old boy's throat. No one in the room lifts a little finger to help him (hehe).

Jon cockblocks Jorah and gets Danny to join him on a romantic cruise. Jon's Lonely Island playlist kicks off with "I'm On a Boat!". Bran watches through InstaBran whilst ignoring Meera's messages about some Aegon Targarean or sum shit. Bish please, Bran's moved on! Take yo child support an fuck off!

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The breakup was all about money, right?
Obviously, shit can't get disgusting until Samwell's on the scene. He talks to Bran like I'd talk to some homeless bloke threatening to kill himself whilst bamboozled off the LSD. Bran crashes a wedding. Jon crashes a womb, trying to fuck it back into working. Lonely Island playlist moves on to "I Just Had Sex". Tyrion listens to what's goin on, and just walks away like "not this shit again", and Bran betta be careful cuz the last time he uncovered some incestuous shit, he ended up with noodle legs.

So whilst Jorah sadwanks to the grunts from the cabin next door, Jaimie susses out that Cersei's acting shady. She tells him that Euron's not acting like a pussy, and that they gonna be bringing the circus to King's Landing real soon. Jaime dumps her, cuz there's no room for two incestuous relationships in this show, this ain't NCIS Bridgewater! It starts to snow, an Jaime realises that he's gonna save a shit ton of dolla this year on the Christmas presents, no children, no in-laws, no dad... his list is basically: Bronn - Castle (X2)?, Brienne - THIS DICK, Qyburn - Dead Guy Hand.

So back at the Mexican border, Tormund aka the ginger power ranger and Beric aka unlimited lives cheat code in human form, chat about being scared of heights. Then some pasty fucka comes strutting along, no biggie. Oh shit, wait, we ain't got enough food for all these dudes! So, since no one's letting them in, Night King aka Darth Cold aka Javelin toss & Chill, gets his new pet dragon to knock a chunk out. Resourceful fucker, that Night King. Anyway, the wildlings play snakes and ladders to escape, and then the zombies get through.

Shit's getting crazy. I'm prayin to Gawd that Kim Jung Cunt don't set off his nukes til the final season's over. Someone send him a fax or suttin that Rock Digglesbee says he can have Japan and South Korea and America as long as Game of Thrones is allowed to end before the world.

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You hear me, you cheesy burger-faced chub!

Anyway, peace out yall.

Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 6: Winter Olympics

Sup yall iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka The One Eyed Hornet aka Barry Bitchkicker aka Scat outta Hell, an less have a look at dese Winter Olympic shenanigans.

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So, whilst Sansa goes through her sister's shit and messes up all the neatly folded severed faces, ma boi Big Gendz aka the Baratheon Bulldog aka Did you just assume my Gendry again? aka "Stop... Hammertime!" preps for the next leg of his Westeros triathlon, he's already completed the rowing section after all. Micky Blue Eyes aka Scandinavian Darth Maul also psyches himself up for the javelin event he's been training hundreds of years for. Will he do better than Bronn at the dragon shooting? The Hound, meanwhile, is trying one of those hammer swinging things.

Anyway, Suicide Squad v.2 aka Snowmies go trekking through the snow. The gang's all here. There's Jon Snow aka "First I get dat dragonglass, then I get that dragonASS!", Jorah the Mormon aka "I got cured of stony genital warts for this shit?", the Hound aka KFC's worst nightmare, Gendry aka scared of ginger minge, Tormund aka the man with the soulless chin, Beric aka "shit, I took fall damage, can I get some resurrection over here plz" and Thoros aka Thorence Nightingale. So Tormund chats about they have to fuck wateva they can find, then he's all like, "hey, a bear!". Jon an Beric "Hit that respawn button again" Dondles compare notes on death. Beric suggests poison, an Jon's like "Hmm, haven't tried that one yet". The Hound calls out whinging. Tormund and the Hound bond over their fetish for big women. Thoros reveals that being shitfaced is the key to his powers.

So they get attacked by a zombie bear afta Tormund sticks it in the whole hole. Some randoms get wreckt but then Thoros gets got cuz the Hound gets shook. Then the Westeros Jackass crew try ambushing some zombies as their next stunt, and all goes well. They snatch up one of the wights and are about to toddle off, when Gendry starts his marathon. A crowd of admirers swarm the Boys and they retreat to the ice rink.

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The White Walkers were running late due to delays in the replacement bus service.
Danny decides to see how the lads are doing as she hasn't had a text from Jon in a few hours and is getting worried. Also a midget joke is made. Real classy, dragon queen.

Jon and Co hold up on an island. Thoros dies of old age waiting for George RR Martin to write the next book. The Hound tries rock skipping which just makes the wights angry. Beric whips out his lightsaber and the crew prepares for a showdown. A riot breaks out after the javelin event is delayed and Jon bumps one of the other randos into the mob. Tormund almost gets drowned, but Jaime reminds him that real niggas don't drown, and the Hound comes in with the save. Still, it looks like the crew is fuckety fucked, but den Dany comes through with the save.

The lads all hop on the dragon, Jorah complaining that there's no first class. Bronn pops up to ask if he wants Fancy Lads Class? Jon sees the Night King finally arrive, and tries to 1v1 him, but he only cares about javelining. So he shoots! And down goes one of the dragons! Dany fucks off after Jon gets rugby tackled into the drink. 

Den Uncle Ben Express Horse rolls up swangin at the zombos. Mothafucka noticed some dragons flying about and thought it might be worth a look, I guess. He's like "Hey Jon, I'm still about!" then sacrifices himself anyway.

Jon gets back to safety, and Danny comes to visit him. It all gets a bit steamy... almost. Davos shoulda hid some of that fermented crab about and theyda bin banging like rabbits.

But den, Night King gets pissed that he missed his second javelin shot and summons Blue Eyes Wight Dragon for target practice.

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Mr Freeze out here.

Thass about it. How about dat...


Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 5: Liar, Liar, Dickon Fire

Sup yall iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Blistery G aka the Omnipotent Salami, an less talk about dis shit as we gear up for Suicide Squad 2.

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As the kids say: #lit
So Bronn still hasn't got his castle yet, not even so much as a "thanks for draggin my suicidal ass in all this heavy fuckin armour and giant awkward golden fuckin hand outta the drink amigo" from the big dog J-Lanns.

Meanwhile Samwell's dad and Dickoff aka Charles Dickons smoke some novelty cigars, and Danny's all like "Lols, they have explosion in thems". The Tardleys died as they lived: mocked by me. This brutal incineration of her enemies proves to the other loyal soldiers that they'd rather get burnt by a dragon than have a flying church bell splatter them on the way home from work. When they get home, the dragon tries to beg Jon for food, but the Brooding Dudester only has a glove. Then Jorah returns to reclaim the friendzone. No mention is made of the miracle cure Samwell discovered a few episodes ago.

Speakin ov the only living Tarley boy, he basically drops out of college after some old men call him an entitled millenial, but at least Gilly can come along as they go rolling out with nothing to eat but books and a suddenly grown child. Some shit about Jon's potential family was mentioned but I was too busy adding the number of Cosby children that bloke dropped off at the pool to my list of Game of Thrones shit themed trivia list. Anyway, iss not like Gilly's has any concept of family trees with more than one branch.

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Those three guys could almost be triplets!
Davos tries to book a lad's holiday in Magaluf, but ends up gettin crabs and a midget. He goes looking for a rentboy to cheer up Missanday aka Black Emma Watson and instead runs into the guy he abandoned in a boat. Luckily the lifeguards were about that day, and medieval B&Q had a sale on obscenely fuckoff big hammers. Davos gives some guys crabs.

Bran starts trippin balls until Albino Darth Maul reminds him not to go lookin into other folks' browsing history. Bran remembers he hasn't deleted his own search history and shits himself, although he does that a lot anyway due to having no control over his lower body and sphincter muscles. Coincidentally, Arya finds Lil Finga's Wifi password.

Cersei's up the duff wid another zesty incest infant. 

Then, Jon and the Lads decide the pints are too warm across the Wall, and head north to get some ice. He decides they can drag a dead bloke back to parade through King's Landing while they're at it. So, the Happy Half-Bastard assembles an all-star team aka Seal Team Snow aka Suicide Squad (But Not Shit) aka the Kinda Magnificent Seven (+ Surplus Generic White Walker Bait). He brings in Gendry cuz who else to get hammered with. The Hound comes along cause the CGI budget wasn't enough for Jon's actual pet dog to join them. Jon bonds with the Red and the Dead over having a manbun and also being resurrected. Still, the topknot doesn't fool him. Together they are the Bald and the Brave. Gingebeard aka Where Ma Big Women At? tags along to see if he can fuck a White Walker. Jorah comes along because he's pretty much invincible now, an besides Topknot Priest can just start resurrecting fuckers left an right if things get heavy.

Oh shit son, nex episode will be the shit... in the meantime, peace.


Monday, 14 August 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 4: The Roast of Jaime Lannister

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Yakkety Gacks aka Jammie Dodger Defiler an iss about time I sharted my thoughts onto this here webzone bloge. An no harsh comments pleze, I'm stil oopsut abot that won twate whu sad mye spelllink waz bda.

Anyways, it all starts wid Lil Finga gettin spooked. Lil Finga got Finga'd, you could say. Then Bran aka accurate representation of my personality when dealing with strangers aka Tickle Me Emo breaks up wid his girl because basically Bran Flakes is pimpin now. He brought Prince Duran Duran's old wheelchair for the cheap online so he don't need Meera no more. But for real though, Meera you come find ya boi Digglesbee, at least he only lazy an not crippled too. Sansa also gets creeped out when her other emotionally mongaloided sibling rocks up to make more jokes about killing people. Arya lookin for a standup gig doing puns about slaying the crowd.

Davos has become a grammar nazi despite the fact that a ten year old girl taught him to read about a year ago. He also plays Jon's wingman, but old Snow ass bish don't know nothin. He was too busy fuckin about with chalk inside the cave then had to act like it was some important discovery when Danny rolled up expected results like me explaining why taking three hour long shits every day is productive to my manager.

Theon manages to get to shore. Despite him being in the sea, Jon's the one who's salty.

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I'm starting to think Rickon got it easy.

Brienne almost crushes a little girl's ribcage in a play fight. Podrick shits himself as he loses his employee of the month title.

But all that shit is unimportant. Bronn better get his fookin castle, an it better be impregnable as a Dornish goat. When I heard what Bronn and Goldfinger and Dickon-Dickoff (pfthahaha) heard, I was like...


So the barbeque gets out of hand. Stannis would be jerkin off in his grave! The Hunns decimate the Lannister army, mostly due to a fuckoff huge dragon, but at least friendly fire was turned off so they could go merrily through the fire. In the chaos, we see various reenactments of Anikin Skywalker being roasted on Mustafar. Dickoff catches PTSD offa Jaime. The whole thing's like looking into a ninety year old smoker's lung.

But fuck dat, ma main man Bronn snatched the MVP of the episode title outta Meera-bae's hands whilst she was still wiping her tears with an Avril Lavine CD case. Fuckin almost took down a dragon.

Peace. I'm out to help update Google's security questions!