Friday 20 December 2019

Star Wars Episode 9: The Rise of Lil Sheev

Star Wars Episode 9 begins with a message from the depths of space - a lone voice from the soulless and cold abyss, the final frontier man has dreamed of conquering since time immemorial...


"Sup bedwettas, iss ya boi, Lil Sheev aka Raisin-Face aka Poon Lightning an I'm back at it wid a fresh new mixtape for the streets. Straight Outta Hexagon: Unlimited Power Volume 1..."


Our heroes are horrified. Lil Sheev died in a tragic drive-by shooting in 1997 (he was involved in the Big Ani vs Notorious O.B.I beef). At some point Poe decides to contact some of his old crew from when he used to rob meth heads for copper wiring. They meet Daft Punk and a shaved gremlin called Bubba Fink aka discount Boba Fett.

Way before this though, Lil Sheev sets the record off by dissing the pretender Big Snoke aka "I'll have a number 9...". He hires Chloe Ren as his new manager, and the Star Wars emo-rap scene takes off with the Knights of Ren hyping themselves up. Will these new villains amount to anything? Spoiler: no, they watch their boss have a few schizophrenic episodes then try to beat the shit out of him before getting rekked by a whiny manchild actin big cos of a few spicy Skype calls.

Anyway, before all this, Ray Mysterious sets off to find herself, as does any aspiring twenty-something British posh girl. Bad move. They go to the desert. If you listen closely, you can hear a tiny voice crying out: "I hate sand, it's coarse, irritating and gets everywhere." I have been described in similar words. So yeah, they get chased out the desert by religious extremists, which was too realistic for me.

The bit where Rose shouted "Free Hong Kong" was strange, but she got the Jar Jar treatment for the rest of the film. The bit where C3PO got dementia and was abused by his friends reminded me too much of my nan's nursing home. The bit where I tried to do mental maths to work out when Palps clapped cheeks to produce a twenty year old granddaughter was the most draining experience of my life.

After ignoring Leia's friend request from the last film, just like George Lucas ignores his blood cholesterol results and just like Disney ignores Rian Johnson, everyone in the universe suddenly rocks up with Lando. Lando is suave enough to pull this off, except he's more a fat, senile old man who just stares at the sun now, living out of a fucking caravan. Lando's basically a gypsy. Yay for minorities!

Speaking of minorities, the real bullshit is that  Lando's apparently supposed to reconnect with a long lost daughter. However, in keeping with George "Almighty Chinless" Lucas's incest fetish, they just have a scene where he tries to seduce her instead. At least he's not the only black person in the galaxy anymore. And they killed off Kylo Ren before he could reveal he was actually identifying as Ben Solo AND a woman now. Chewie takes off his suit and is revealed to be a furry. I wasn't even surprised. I was still reeling from the idea of Lil Sheev blasting someone with the old meat cannon. REY'S PARENTS WAS LIKE TWENTY! WHO WAS FUCKING THIS TESTICLE LOOKING PRUNED MOTHERFUCKER?

Anyway, Rey realises she's losing the rap battle against Lil Sheev. The hooded guys from Hot Fuzz make up the crowd and they lose it at his sick bars.

"Yo Rey, you about to get smacked
Your rhymes are like a Christmas special, WACK!
You haven't even beaten a single baddie
Can't even answer 'who's the daddy?'
Hux got fucked, Snoke got smoked without fighting
Fuck with Lil Sheev, get ready for the lightning."

Iss all goin great until Palps pulls out the lightning again. Every fuckin time this dude uses lightning, he gets thrashed! You'd think he'd learn after getting his ugly ass mug mangled the first time! But no, Sheev gets Thanos-snapped with terminal dandruff and dies. He was good til he stopped floating over her. NEVER GIVE UP THE HIGH GROUND, YA BISH! See ya in Episode 12.

Then I realised I'd been watching Cats all along.

No Yareal Poof: -1/10
Although I liked the after-credits scene where Jar Jar puts on the Infinity Gauntlet and says "I'll do it myself".

Image result for palpatine meme"
Photos taken moments before disaster

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