Sup yall Facebook profile picture changin' every five fucken minutes to show you a bandwagon hopping "oh I love Stair Wors an Annakun iz mah favrite nex tah Yareal Poof" lookin' mufuckas. Ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Garth Vader aka Scarf Wearer aka Dark Failure aka Puke Skywalker aka See (that's) CreepyYo is here to spread his opinion of the new Star Wars film: Episode 4 I mean 7 The Force Awakens (And Also Harrison Ford Awakens From His Nap So He Can Catch The Latest Episode Of Countdown or sumthin).
Furst, a bit of background as to why this film is being shoved down everyone's throat like they're giraffes or somethin an can actually handle that much merchandise and hype being shovelled down their windpipes. BECUZ IT'S FUCKN STAR WARS! Anyway, with literally every mufucka on earth an their senile grandparents, who still chuckle at the walking combination of racial stereotypes that is Jar Jar Binks in between changing their shit filled Huggies, already booking seats for the shit, I think it's safe to say that The Forcefeeding Awakens is more important than a Christmas dinner for most reasonable families this year.
 |
| Above: Typical family dinner after watching the Star Warses. |
After Jabba the Hutt's actor (and kind of a big deal (emphasis on BIG)) Georgie Lukazs received a vision from three ghosts (actually they were extras that he'd CGId into the original trilogy) about fans dancing on his grave an pissin all over a burning pile of Fandom Menace DVDs, he decided to sell his life's work to a mouse that had become freakishly mutated in a bizarre experiment to see how fuckin annoying mice can be become. That night, George slept cheerfully on a mountain of money and began to dream about the day his chin had consumed his neck. An then Walt Disney's Nazi severed head lookin ass contacted Ray J or JFK Abraham Lincoln or sum shit to make the new Star Warses, an he made this.
We begin with the iconic Star Wars theme, which hits your emotions in the face like a speeding train hits that drunk fucka that thinks he can make it across the level crossing. Then the film explains that Luke aka Where's Wally aka Hide an Seek Champion of 2016 aka Hello, Is It Me You're Lukeing For has been MIA for thirty fucken years an Han, Layer, Chewits an Lando have done diddyshit about it, just sat wit their thumbs up their ass an shit. At least Lando's got an excuse because he's probably busy abandoning his child aka the only other black guy that lives in this universe.
 |
| Or he got sick of C3PO gettin gobby. |
The action all starts when Poe is sent to make sure that the only senile old fuck who found Jar Jar Binks funny gives him his lunch money. It all kicks off cuz the old fuck shits hisself, an the other three Teletubbies show up in Tie Fighters to fuck em up. A bootleg R2D2 head on a football gets the fuck outta there while Chloe Ren aka the reminder of that emo phase you went through when you was like thirteen aka Jon Snow's even more depressing cousin aka Darth Hippy Vader kills the fuck out of the old guy an takes Poe on a date in his private space jet.
Meanwhile, in the Middle East aka Not Tatooine, Ray J shows up in a burka to remind us all that strong independent women exist in the Star Wars universe. An her mother should have told her not to go fuckin about in them crashed ships... oh wait, HER MOM'S PROBLY FUCKN DEAD! People are sayin she's Luke's daughter, but unless Luke got freaky wid a female Ewok and/or Mon Mothra after he killed his dad, I doubt that. Well, he might have banged his sister if JJ was goin for the Game of Thrones style of storytelling.
 |
| Basically, how Leia's morning would have gone. |
Anyway, Rent-A-Vader aka Bane aka Barry White aka Needs a Throat Sweet tortures Poe by making him watch Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 twenty times in a row an eventually Poe's mind breaks and Renly tells Lil Hitler aka Tarkin Junior that the droid they are looking for is in the desert, even though the last guys who went looking for a droid in the desert were told otherwise by a creepy old janitor in a dressing gown.
Finn aka FINNISH HIM aka Simba (because the other guy wipes blood on him, not because he's black, ya fuckin racist) rescues Poe somehow, who doesn't complain about him being too short like certain other rescued mufuckas in the series. They play Grand Theft TIE Fighter an crash in the middle of the fuckin desert. Poe somehow manages to piss off before the black guy can wake up an steal his wallet (what can I say, Poe's a racist mufucka) an Finn has to wander the planet alone.
He tries to watch Ray Bae gettin mugged, but when she survives he gets hit in the face with a stick, something that should have happened to Jar Jar within the first five minutes of Fantem Meniss, but with enough force (pun intended) to cause fatal brain haemorrhaging.
Then the shit turns into an episode of Who Do You Think You Are with Renji Benji revealing who's the daddy.
 |
| More Game of Thrones pics to prove the point. |
But that's all while the black guy steals another ship whilst abducting a young girl (JJ why you stereotyping, bro?) an they run into confused Indiana Jones and his pet hallucination of the last time I got a haircut. So Han Solo aka Can I Lend Yall A Han? aka Mr I Shot First is a senile old dipshit and Chewie is his carer, but he accidentally calls a bunch of Chinese people "rice munching faggots" and they release some wild feminists onto the ship to get the bastard. Luckily, Ray Bae saves Finn from the raging abortion monsters an stops him from gettin Boba Fetted by the tentacled vagina creatures, so they can all escape in the Milly Falc.
Anyway, Ren Ten an his frenemy have a lil chat with 50 foot Gollum who reveals that Han Solo is actually Ren's father, like he's fuckin Jeremy Kyle or suttin. Oh, SPOILERS!
 |
| "Yo moma so ugly, even her teeth don't wanna be inside her." |
So whilst dat little emo bish talks to his granddad's severed, melted, slightly in need of some shoe polish helmet, Han drops off Ray & Display and Finn at the prom. Unfortunately, he was drunk off his tits an accidentally delivered them to a weird sex cult that worships Chewie's midget fuckbuddy (played by Loopita UmBongo or sum shit).
After she tries to seduce Finn, becuz she loves some of dat dark meat, you know what I mean, he gets scared and runs away. RayFK breaks into the Oompa Loompa's vault an gets acid flashbacks of seeing the prequels, which inspires her to try an get teh fuck outta the Star Wars series by bolting into the woods.
Den shit jumps off real crazy. The Ku Klux Klan meet up to destroy a couple of planets an we get to see everyone all scared an shit before they get obliterated, scoring that Hitleresque general the best KD ratio in the galaxy. Then they arrive at the sex club, an somehow Han an his zimmer frame manage to survive an entire castle collapsing on dem. Then again, he did survive a nuclear explosion by hiding in a fucken fridge.
 |
| The fridge was later immortalised in action figure form. |
So 12 Years a Lightsaber Hoarder gives Finn a weapon that he has no experience with an he manages to kill some of his former BFFs from Stormtrooper bootcamp. However, Ren finds Rae in the woods an manages to slip her some of the ol Bill Cosby, knockin her ass out faster than I knocked out that five year old in Lidl's who told me ta fuck off.
Princess Layers shows up to insult Han cuz of his crippling erectile dysfunction, but because he's a senile old fuckass, he has no idea who she is. So Finn, Hans, Laier, Chewie an their squad head off to Not Yavin to plan sum surprise party for Ren's super sweet sixteenth.
So Rey ends up mindfucking the Daniel Craig Stormtrooper by telling him that Sceptre sucked dick, so he realises his life is meaningless and he might as well get her outta Ren's 50 Shades of Grey re-enactment.
Ren reacts by beating the shit out of his computer, just in case the Stormtroopers sneak in an see all the amputee porn he keeps on there.
 |
| However, the Death Star still doesn't have any ramps. |
Meanwhile, feminists start complaining that a group of men (one of whom is essentially a brain damaged child that was dipped in glue and rolled around on a barbershop's floor) are sent to rescue the strong independent woman. To add further insult, they also throw another woman, Bobette Fett aka Brien of Death STarth into a dumptruck or sumthin.
Finally, they all reunite, but Han still wants to make his dream of appearing on the Jeremy Kyle Show come true. He tries to convince his son, but Render the Bender is havin none of it. Han kills himself out of shame for ever thinking he could make it onto the Jeremy Kyle show with a full set of teeth. Oh shit... spoiler, by the way.
 |
| Actual conversation between Han and Ren. |
Poe, whilst secretly wishing for Finn to die so he can get his jacket back, gets to watch his friends explode into fiery chunks as he attacks the Death Star (Now with Wi-Fi) which reminds me of the last time I ate at Nando's. As Chewie blows Ren's posse the fuck up, Admiral Ackbar screams about how he's had a sore throat for thirty years, but everyone just takes the piss by shouting "IT'S A TRAP!" so he's all like "Fuck yall, you can blow this shit up your own damn selfs!".
Ren goes to find and murder Rey and Finn for unfriending him on Facebook just for his political rants and weird friends.
 |
| We've all been there. |
Once again, this curly haired doofus flies into a tantrum like a diabetic with a Mars bar being dangled in front of him, an he manages to slip Ray another dose of Cosby's patented rohypnol. Finn, realising that he'll probly get blamed if anything happens to the unconscious girl (becuz he's black) decides to take on Rennifer Lawrence in an epic dance battle. Unfortunately, his natural afro-swag doesn't work, an Crayola Ren chops his ass up like a puffer fish in a Chinese restaurant.
But Ray's alarm clock goes off just in time and she bullies Renny Hill so hard that his planet base tries to self destruct out of shame. General Jus Don't Give A Hux gets told to piss off by an Abraham Lincoln statue version of Gollum. So then Rai starts to cry because Finn is all fuckt up, an she'd been waiting the whole film to see if it was true what they said about black guys.
 |
| Meanwhile, Finn's relives his first day of Stormtrooper Academy. |
R2D2 aka the all seeing wheelie bin finally decides to get his lazy ass out of low power mode, either that or he's actually an Apple product and jus needs to be charged every five minutes. He upstages his lil ginger step brother by revealing the full map to wherever the fuck Bran's hiding at in Game of Thrones. Howeva, Rey would rather go on holiday to Ireland to find a one armed old man who was last seen wandering the streets in his dressing gown rambling about minichlorians.
As she holds out the lightsaber, the hooded man turns around to reveal that he's Dave the local ice cream man, before offering her heroin. The film ends with a montage of Rey and Finn talking to a psychiatrist about their daddy issues an shit. I think I may be misremembering a little bit.
 |
| George Lucas initially suggested this as the final shot. |
And wid that, I give dis film... Nine outta ten midichloroforms. Well, fuck. That's all folks. Happy Hannukah from all us here at Rock Digglesbee Corp. Peace out!
