God of Scrapping: The Adventures of Crater and Arrowboy

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Star Wars Episode 9: The Rise of Lil Sheev

Star Wars Episode 9 begins with a message from the depths of space - a lone voice from the soulless and cold abyss, the final frontier man has dreamed of conquering since time immemorial...


"Sup bedwettas, iss ya boi, Lil Sheev aka Raisin-Face aka Poon Lightning an I'm back at it wid a fresh new mixtape for the streets. Straight Outta Hexagon: Unlimited Power Volume 1..."

Our heroes are horrified. Lil Sheev died in a tragic drive-by shooting in 1997 (he was involved in the Big Ani vs Notorious O.B.I beef). At some point Poe decides to contact some of his old crew from when he used to rob meth heads for copper wiring. They meet Daft Punk and a shaved gremlin called Bubba Fink aka discount Boba Fett.

Way before this though, Lil Sheev sets the record off by dissing the pretender Big Snoke aka "I'll have a number 9...". He hires Chloe Ren as his new manager, and the Star Wars emo-rap scene takes off with the Knights of Ren hyping themselves up. Will these new villains amount to anything? Spoiler: no, they watch their boss have a few schizophrenic episodes then try to beat the shit out of him before getting rekked by a whiny manchild actin big cos of a few spicy Skype calls.

Anyway, before all this, Ray Mysterious sets off to find herself, as does any aspiring twenty-something British posh girl. Bad move. They go to the desert. If you listen closely, you can hear a tiny voice crying out: "I hate sand, it's coarse, irritating and gets everywhere." I have been described in similar words. So yeah, they get chased out the desert by religious extremists, which was too realistic for me.

The bit where Rose shouted "Free Hong Kong" was strange, but she got the Jar Jar treatment for the rest of the film. The bit where C3PO got dementia and was abused by his friends reminded me too much of my nan's nursing home. The bit where I tried to do mental maths to work out when Palps clapped cheeks to produce a twenty year old granddaughter was the most draining experience of my life.

After ignoring Leia's friend request from the last film, just like George Lucas ignores his blood cholesterol results and just like Disney ignores Rian Johnson, everyone in the universe suddenly rocks up with Lando. Lando is suave enough to pull this off, except he's more a fat, senile old man who just stares at the sun now, living out of a fucking caravan. Lando's basically a gypsy. Yay for minorities!

Speaking of minorities, the real bullshit is that  Lando's apparently supposed to reconnect with a long lost daughter. However, in keeping with George "Almighty Chinless" Lucas's incest fetish, they just have a scene where he tries to seduce her instead. At least he's not the only black person in the galaxy anymore. And they killed off Kylo Ren before he could reveal he was actually identifying as Ben Solo AND a woman now. Chewie takes off his suit and is revealed to be a furry. I wasn't even surprised. I was still reeling from the idea of Lil Sheev blasting someone with the old meat cannon. REY'S PARENTS WAS LIKE TWENTY! WHO WAS FUCKING THIS TESTICLE LOOKING PRUNED MOTHERFUCKER?

Anyway, Rey realises she's losing the rap battle against Lil Sheev. The hooded guys from Hot Fuzz make up the crowd and they lose it at his sick bars.

"Yo Rey, you about to get smacked
Your rhymes are like a Christmas special, WACK!
You haven't even beaten a single baddie
Can't even answer 'who's the daddy?'
Hux got fucked, Snoke got smoked without fighting
Fuck with Lil Sheev, get ready for the lightning."

Iss all goin great until Palps pulls out the lightning again. Every fuckin time this dude uses lightning, he gets thrashed! You'd think he'd learn after getting his ugly ass mug mangled the first time! But no, Sheev gets Thanos-snapped with terminal dandruff and dies. He was good til he stopped floating over her. NEVER GIVE UP THE HIGH GROUND, YA BISH! See ya in Episode 12.

Then I realised I'd been watching Cats all along.

No Yareal Poof: -1/10
Although I liked the after-credits scene where Jar Jar puts on the Infinity Gauntlet and says "I'll do it myself".

Photos taken moments before disaster

Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi

I notice a lotta bedwettas bin out on these Tweets chattin grease about the new Star Wars film. Bunch ov pasty, flabby, unshaven cretins lurkin outside they neighbour's house in the bushes, sweating that extra virgin olive oil, praying to Zeus that the god Rock Digglesbee aka Blogosphere Jones aka Fugazi Zirconium, don't see their ignorant ass ramblings. That being said, less chat sum shit about Star Wars Episode 8: Force Rehab aka Interracial Las Vegas Trip aka Leia Poppins.

These are your gods now.

So it kicks off wih Poe, still mad from being kicked out of the Teletubbies afta telling a Make-a-Wish kid to "go fuck a goat", making prank calls to General Fuxboi aka HyuxHyuckHyuck. Huxagon gets pissy an fucks shit up, even more than his buddy's ship got fucked up by an Asian kamikaze pilot (my granddad got Pearl Harbour flashbacks at this point). Poe gets a dressing down from Leia, which would have been on every man's bucket list back when the OG films came out, I can assure you.

Luke's pissed off that no one's been returning Christmas cards for like twenty years, so acts like a dick. 

Chloe Ren and Hux have a "You vs the Guy She Tells you not To worry About" moment in front of a wrinkled up wad of gum that has gained sentience and started calling itself Snoke. He tells Ren his Darth Vader cosplay is shit, and that Hux has better sux. Kylo smashes the helmet up.

Finn comes out of a coma and walks around spewing out vital fluids for a few minutes whilst everyone ignores him. I thought that only Americans ignored dying black men? Anyway, he meets a Chinese exchange student, who busts out the kinky stungun a bit too soon. Poe marries the two of them, and sends them on a honeymoon to Las Vegas. Admiral Ackbar gets killed but since no one apparently gives a fuck, Leia supermans her way back onto the ship. My granddad was still having flashbacks of the war at this point.

We can never eat sushi in peace.

Meanwhile Rey aka Bae is going through belated puberty. She fantasizes about naked Kylo Ren and sees Luke squezin out the ol blue milk. She also thinks about a dark, wet hole a lot, which I'm sure symbolises something else, but my mind is too fucked at this point. Chewie decimates the local wildlife and Luke tries to get R2 to show him some porn, but the magical trashcan still only got the same jerk-off material as 30 years ago. Poor Luke.

Anyway, Finn and Rose get thrown in jail for parking in a disabled space, or just because Finn's black, I dunno. They meet a strange man dressed as a flasher, who acts like Johnny Depp, except he isn't annoying as fuck. They bust some space llamas out and smash up some casinos, before remembering they need to go save Poe an the others.

Rey decides to leave the old man to go meet her Tinder date, except Kylo catfishes her. Elsewhere, Phasma aka I just got this armour painted so don't dent it, captures Finn an Rose whilst Stuttering Steve aka Porky Pig fucks off with a pile of cash. 

Yoda haunts Luke then burns down a temple for shits an giggles. 

Snoke channels Harvey Weinstein to give Rey the worst job interview of all time. The ugly fetus, sliced up rotten avocado lookin mufucka then gets Darth Maul'd by Kylo. It was almost as if you could hear a million batshit theories die with him. His guards realise something fishy has happened so Team ReyRen assembles to kick ass. 

Without Admiral Ackbar to tellem what's what, the rebels fall into a trap. Candyfloss aka Leia's Secretary aka Willy Wonka's Bisexual Daughter crashes a fuckin ship into Snoke's star destroyer after waiting for hours to die. 

Guess this guy was important.

Rey and Ren argue about who gets to play with Luke's lightsaber and end up snapping it in half like a pair of retards. Meanwhile, Phasma, an elite stormtrooper trained for combat her whole life, gets her ass whupped by Finn, a bloke who woke up from a coma only a few days ago. Phasma Boba Fetts to her death, and Finn, Rose and BB8 the magical coconut aka the best hacker in any film escape to the planet of salt. It's where the guys who make the DC films live.

The First Order drops some walkers... making them Ready Salted Walkers (haha). Finn is gettin sick of his clingy new girlfriend and tries to fly into a fucking cannon, but she crashes her ship into his (again, grandpa was freakin out). Luke rocks up to tell Kylo "1v1 me, pleb" which he does. But wait... Force-ception. Luke was never real! 

Luke just gives up an dies. We've all bin there pal! Meanwhile, Poe and the rebels Snow White their way out of the salt mines by following some glitter-critters. Rey benchpresses like 250 to get the boulders out their way and Finn immediately ditches Rose to go hug her. 

It ends with a kid sweeping, as happens in the cinema at the end of every film. CRAZY!

So yeah, this film is like a child, you might think it's a massive disappointment, you might think you sacrificed your partner's poontang/Admiral Ackbar for nothing, but I still don't give a shit, and I hate children, but the point is, it's a good film.

Peace

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 7: Jon's Ancestry.com Results

Sup ya bishes, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Slagdaddy Mack aka Janky Danky Hank, and iss the final episode, so less get to it.

So all the main characters pretty much meet up to crack open a cold one. The Hound and Brienne have a good old "hey, remember when you almost killed me, LOL" moment. Then they let a zombie out of a crate, going for the jump scare on Cersei and everyone's scared shitless, but Qyburn's rock hard, looking at the zombie's hand like "you gonna finish that?"

Deleted scene of Qyburn's reaction.

So we get the Hound telling some dudes he'll kill them if they touch his family bucket of KFC, Bronn, Pod and Tyrion reunion (Two an a Halfman lololololol) an Jon and Davos present one of those QVC adverts to Cersei for their new range of dragonglass knives and cutlery. Nothin cuts through dead fuckers quite like it! Euron is all like Euron Your Own Now and fucks off back to that dingy shithole he ran away from. Or is he...

Meanwhile, Sansa wants to play a game, but Creepy McPedoface aka Where Did the Lil Finga Go? aka the human personification of a white van with tinted windows parked outside of a secondary school, ain't got Guess Who, cuz all the characters died. Lil Finga then gets singled out for a background check and starts to panic. Bran uploads "Lord Baelish EXPOSED (Gone Wrong)(Almost Died!!!)" to Youtube immediately. Then Facey McNoFace gets tired and straight up slits the old boy's throat. No one in the room lifts a little finger to help him (hehe).

Jon cockblocks Jorah and gets Danny to join him on a romantic cruise. Jon's Lonely Island playlist kicks off with "I'm On a Boat!". Bran watches through InstaBran whilst ignoring Meera's messages about some Aegon Targarean or sum shit. Bish please, Bran's moved on! Take yo child support an fuck off!

The breakup was all about money, right?

Obviously, shit can't get disgusting until Samwell's on the scene. He talks to Bran like I'd talk to some homeless bloke threatening to kill himself whilst bamboozled off the LSD. Bran crashes a wedding. Jon crashes a womb, trying to fuck it back into working. Lonely Island playlist moves on to "I Just Had Sex". Tyrion listens to what's goin on, and just walks away like "not this shit again", and Bran betta be careful cuz the last time he uncovered some incestuous shit, he ended up with noodle legs.

So whilst Jorah sadwanks to the grunts from the cabin next door, Jaimie susses out that Cersei's acting shady. She tells him that Euron's not acting like a pussy, and that they gonna be bringing the circus to King's Landing real soon. Jaime dumps her, cuz there's no room for two incestuous relationships in this show, this ain't NCIS Bridgewater! It starts to snow, an Jaime realises that he's gonna save a shit ton of dolla this year on the Christmas presents, no children, no in-laws, no dad... his list is basically: Bronn - Castle (X2)?, Brienne - THIS DICK, Qyburn - Dead Guy Hand.

So back at the Mexican border, Tormund aka the ginger power ranger and Beric aka unlimited lives cheat code in human form, chat about being scared of heights. Then some pasty fucka comes strutting along, no biggie. Oh shit, wait, we ain't got enough food for all these dudes! So, since no one's letting them in, Night King aka Darth Cold aka Javelin toss & Chill, gets his new pet dragon to knock a chunk out. Resourceful fucker, that Night King. Anyway, the wildlings play snakes and ladders to escape, and then the zombies get through.

Shit's getting crazy. I'm prayin to Gawd that Kim Jung Cunt don't set off his nukes til the final season's over. Someone send him a fax or suttin that Rock Digglesbee says he can have Japan and South Korea and America as long as Game of Thrones is allowed to end before the world.

You hear me, you cheesy burger-faced chub!

Anyway, peace out yall.

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 6: Winter Olympics

Sup yall iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka The One Eyed Hornet aka Barry Bitchkicker aka Scat outta Hell, an less have a look at dese Winter Olympic shenanigans.

"KOBE!"

So, whilst Sansa goes through her sister's shit and messes up all the neatly folded severed faces, ma boi Big Gendz aka the Baratheon Bulldog aka Did you just assume my Gendry again? aka "Stop... Hammertime!" preps for the next leg of his Westeros triathlon, he's already completed the rowing section after all. Micky Blue Eyes aka Scandinavian Darth Maul also psyches himself up for the javelin event he's been training hundreds of years for. Will he do better than Bronn at the dragon shooting? The Hound, meanwhile, is trying one of those hammer swinging things.

Anyway, Suicide Squad v.2 aka Snowmies go trekking through the snow. The gang's all here. There's Jon Snow aka "First I get dat dragonglass, then I get that dragonASS!", Jorah the Mormon aka "I got cured of stony genital warts for this shit?", the Hound aka KFC's worst nightmare, Gendry aka scared of ginger minge, Tormund aka the man with the soulless chin, Beric aka "shit, I took fall damage, can I get some resurrection over here plz" and Thoros aka Thorence Nightingale. So Tormund chats about they have to fuck wateva they can find, then he's all like, "hey, a bear!". Jon an Beric "Hit that respawn button again" Dondles compare notes on death. Beric suggests poison, an Jon's like "Hmm, haven't tried that one yet". The Hound calls out whinging. Tormund and the Hound bond over their fetish for big women. Thoros reveals that being shitfaced is the key to his powers.

So they get attacked by a zombie bear afta Tormund sticks it in the whole hole. Some randoms get wreckt but then Thoros gets got cuz the Hound gets shook. Then the Westeros Jackass crew try ambushing some zombies as their next stunt, and all goes well. They snatch up one of the wights and are about to toddle off, when Gendry starts his marathon. A crowd of admirers swarm the Boys and they retreat to the ice rink.

The White Walkers were running late due to delays in the replacement bus service.

Danny decides to see how the lads are doing as she hasn't had a text from Jon in a few hours and is getting worried. Also a midget joke is made. Real classy, dragon queen.

Jon and Co hold up on an island. Thoros dies of old age waiting for George RR Martin to write the next book. The Hound tries rock skipping which just makes the wights angry. Beric whips out his lightsaber and the crew prepares for a showdown. A riot breaks out after the javelin event is delayed and Jon bumps one of the other randos into the mob. Tormund almost gets drowned, but Jaime reminds him that real niggas don't drown, and the Hound comes in with the save. Still, it looks like the crew is fuckety fucked, but den Dany comes through with the save.

The lads all hop on the dragon, Jorah complaining that there's no first class. Bronn pops up to ask if he wants Fancy Lads Class? Jon sees the Night King finally arrive, and tries to 1v1 him, but he only cares about javelining. So he shoots! And down goes one of the dragons! Dany fucks off after Jon gets rugby tackled into the drink. 

Den Uncle Ben Express Horse rolls up swangin at the zombos. Mothafucka noticed some dragons flying about and thought it might be worth a look, I guess. He's like "Hey Jon, I'm still about!" then sacrifices himself anyway.

Jon gets back to safety, and Danny comes to visit him. It all gets a bit steamy... almost. Davos shoulda hid some of that fermented crab about and theyda bin banging like rabbits.

But den, Night King gets pissed that he missed his second javelin shot and summons Blue Eyes Wight Dragon for target practice.

Mr Freeze out here.

Thass about it. How about dat...

Peace.

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 5: Liar, Liar, Dickon Fire

Sup yall iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Blistery G aka the Omnipotent Salami, an less talk about dis shit as we gear up for Suicide Squad 2.

As the kids say: #lit

So Bronn still hasn't got his castle yet, not even so much as a "thanks for draggin my suicidal ass in all this heavy fuckin armour and giant awkward golden fuckin hand outta the drink amigo" from the big dog J-Lanns.

Meanwhile Samwell's dad and Dickoff aka Charles Dickons smoke some novelty cigars, and Danny's all like "Lols, they have explosion in thems". The Tardleys died as they lived: mocked by me. This brutal incineration of her enemies proves to the other loyal soldiers that they'd rather get burnt by a dragon than have a flying church bell splatter them on the way home from work. When they get home, the dragon tries to beg Jon for food, but the Brooding Dudester only has a glove. Then Jorah returns to reclaim the friendzone. No mention is made of the miracle cure Samwell discovered a few episodes ago.

Speakin ov the only living Tarley boy, he basically drops out of college after some old men call him an entitled millenial, but at least Gilly can come along as they go rolling out with nothing to eat but books and a suddenly grown child. Some shit about Jon's potential family was mentioned but I was too busy adding the number of Cosby children that bloke dropped off at the pool to my list of Game of Thrones shit themed trivia list. Anyway, iss not like Gilly's has any concept of family trees with more than one branch.

Those three guys could almost be triplets!

Davos tries to book a lad's holiday in Magaluf, but ends up gettin crabs and a midget. He goes looking for a rentboy to cheer up Missanday aka Black Emma Watson and instead runs into the guy he abandoned in a boat. Luckily the lifeguards were about that day, and medieval B&Q had a sale on obscenely fuckoff big hammers. Davos gives some guys crabs.

Bran starts trippin balls until Albino Darth Maul reminds him not to go lookin into other folks' browsing history. Bran remembers he hasn't deleted his own search history and shits himself, although he does that a lot anyway due to having no control over his lower body and sphincter muscles. Coincidentally, Arya finds Lil Finga's Wifi password.

Cersei's up the duff wid another zesty incest infant. 

Then, Jon and the Lads decide the pints are too warm across the Wall, and head north to get some ice. He decides they can drag a dead bloke back to parade through King's Landing while they're at it. So, the Happy Half-Bastard assembles an all-star team aka Seal Team Snow aka Suicide Squad (But Not Shit) aka the Kinda Magnificent Seven (+ Surplus Generic White Walker Bait). He brings in Gendry cuz who else to get hammered with. The Hound comes along cause the CGI budget wasn't enough for Jon's actual pet dog to join them. Jon bonds with the Red and the Dead over having a manbun and also being resurrected. Still, the topknot doesn't fool him. Together they are the Bald and the Brave. Gingebeard aka Where Ma Big Women At? tags along to see if he can fuck a White Walker. Jorah comes along because he's pretty much invincible now, an besides Topknot Priest can just start resurrecting fuckers left an right if things get heavy.

Oh shit son, nex episode will be the shit... in the meantime, peace.

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 4: The Roast of Jaime Lannister

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Yakkety Gacks aka Jammie Dodger Defiler an iss about time I sharted my thoughts onto this here webzone bloge. An no harsh comments pleze, I'm stil oopsut abot that won twate whu sad mye spelllink waz bda.

Anyways, it all starts wid Lil Finga gettin spooked. Lil Finga got Finga'd, you could say. Then Bran aka accurate representation of my personality when dealing with strangers aka Tickle Me Emo breaks up wid his girl because basically Bran Flakes is pimpin now. He brought Prince Duran Duran's old wheelchair for the cheap online so he don't need Meera no more. But for real though, Meera you come find ya boi Digglesbee, at least he only lazy an not crippled too. Sansa also gets creeped out when her other emotionally mongaloided sibling rocks up to make more jokes about killing people. Arya lookin for a standup gig doing puns about slaying the crowd.

Davos has become a grammar nazi despite the fact that a ten year old girl taught him to read about a year ago. He also plays Jon's wingman, but old Snow ass bish don't know nothin. He was too busy fuckin about with chalk inside the cave then had to act like it was some important discovery when Danny rolled up expected results like me explaining why taking three hour long shits every day is productive to my manager.

Theon manages to get to shore. Despite him being in the sea, Jon's the one who's salty.

I'm starting to think Rickon got it easy.

Brienne almost crushes a little girl's ribcage in a play fight. Podrick shits himself as he loses his employee of the month title.

But all that shit is unimportant. Bronn better get his fookin castle, an it better be impregnable as a Dornish goat. When I heard what Bronn and Goldfinger and Dickon-Dickoff (pfthahaha) heard, I was like...

So the barbeque gets out of hand. Stannis would be jerkin off in his grave! The Hunns decimate the Lannister army, mostly due to a fuckoff huge dragon, but at least friendly fire was turned off so they could go merrily through the fire. In the chaos, we see various reenactments of Anikin Skywalker being roasted on Mustafar. Dickoff catches PTSD offa Jaime. The whole thing's like looking into a ninety year old smoker's lung.

But fuck dat, ma main man Bronn snatched the MVP of the episode title outta Meera-bae's hands whilst she was still wiping her tears with an Avril Lavine CD case. Fuckin almost took down a dragon.
#getBronnafookincastle

Peace. I'm out to help update Google's security questions!

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 3: Lock Up Your Daughters

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Doggie Dippa aka Chairman of the Chaz and Dave tribute bands fanclub, here's some more shit. Remember since VSauce got weird, Ol Rocky's the only eBoi yall can trust anymore.

I wish we could go back to spit facts.

Anyway, down at Fort Bean, Lil Finga tries whipping out some quantum physics theories about parallel universes and alternate timelines and his donkeypunch fetish, but then Bran aka Rosebud was the sledge aka Dr Manhattan rocks up and is jus like "Bish, get on my level! I can time travel, ya gay ass pedo weiny!" Anyway. Bran has a nice little chat with his sister about how she looked good on the night she was raped... Is he sayin she deserved it?

Jon meets with Danny aka Burner of Toast aka Bearer of Titles aka Carl Easy aka All these titles and you chose salt aka crazy dragon lady aka Watcher of Simpsons aka Cooker of Soup aka Purveyor of Used DVDs (still good condition tho) on Ebay aka... and the list goes on. Davos proves to be a shite wingman, as he only remembers Jon's name barely. Also starts off their visit with some casual "So, where are you from?" like when my grandad saw a brown person in the street the other day. Casual xenophobe or silver fox? You decide!

Anyways, meanwhile, the early Grey Worm gets the bird, so now he's afta some castle. But getting dat shit was no probs for ma man G Wormz. You can almost hear Admiral Ackbar shouting in the background... and yall already know what he's saying. Euron sends his squidbois to wreck their shit while he delivers Cersei's mail-order brides. The Sand Snakes are now removed from the show like a shrivelled up wart off an old biddie's nozzle, an all it took was a Pirates of the Caribbean montage an some lesbo action.

Unfortunately Cersei doesn't just blow buildings, she also blows her brother. So he goes rocking up to the Old Tyrell place. A moment of silence for Margery's disintegrated tits. Aight, so Grandma Tyrell goes out like a champ, havin a right ol Kingslayer to Kingslayer chat about how she's glad she gave Joff the old Jimi Hendrix treatment. Real recognize real I guess?

And thass all for now. Til the nex time I drink paint. Peace.

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 2: Why Eating Pie for Dinner was a Mistake

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka the Sixth Beatle aka the bloke who killed Uncle Ben aka Nunfucker Chuck, here's mah views on the sex... I mean sexcond episode. Oh, and, don't eat anything crusty or scab looking whilst watching this un.

"Turns out I have mega-syphilis."

Less talk about blokes gettin their veggies lopped off. That seemed a major theme in today's episode. Grey Worm compensates by takin some lessons from Jon Snow aka the puss whisperer. Varys compensates by being a generally sus bloke who wears a dressing gown all over the shop, but at least the boy still reps the streets. Theon aka the dickless fishman aka the Fuckboi Wonder, decides to rage quit afta his creepy uncle makes a joke about his man-luggage going walkabouts. Meanwhile, Dyke-al Phelps aka the only one in the family getting any poon, is gettin taken away to be bridesmaid at Euron and Cersei's wedding. Oh, and two thirds of the Sand Snacks got decimated in a strange kinky type ov fight. Euron got stabbed in the nuts an never gave up. Employee of da year!
Also Euron's entry was like something outta WWE. Glorious shit

Samwell decides giving impromptu skin grafts is a respectable hobby. I threw up my dinner. Jorah wonders why he even bothered talkin to the weirdos at the Vatican or whereva the fuck they are. Nex episode they'll discover he cudda just popped some antibiotics to clear his skin right up. Man's out lookin like a half-burnt marshmellow.

The fire cult continues to pop up. MelisAndre the Giant rolls up to tell Danny she once banged Stannis on her meeting room table. Then gets embarrassed when she gets corrected on her own religious beliefs by a former slavegirl. LOL!

Smooth...

Anyway, Samwell's pa gets gobby to the man with the golden fingerblasts. Meanwhile, Dr Frankenstein aka feel the Qyburn bullshits about inventing crossbows. Luckily Cersei has never been into her basement before so gets moist when the arrow goes through a mouldy 200 year old skull. Can't wait til the crossbow bolts just bounce offa the dragon's scales in the finale, and Qyburn jus dips outta there to go get some poon in Dorne.

Arya runs into the fat kid she used to bully in school aka REMEMBER THAT KID, THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NOW. She then finds her lost dog, but she's too big to get through a doggie flap now so bounces. Jon fucks off from his new crib afta everyone starts plotting. He knows what happened to his brother. Lil Finga gives him the ol "I wanted to fuck yer step-mum, but now she dead so I wanna stick the old ham cannon up in yo sister, anyway, peace out future brother in law."

Anyway, I gotta go delete my co-workers offa Facebook before they discover Rocky Daggenstein's masterpieces an start exposing me on Jeremy Kyle or sum shit. Peace!

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 1: Samwell Shitkicker

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Lil Sheev

Ayo wassup speak n spell shoe wearin, fingas too fat to work zippy bag ass bitches. In the tradition of sum religious ass holiday wat got jacked from dem pagan dudes a while back, ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka LadsBible's man of the year 2015 aka Sleazus Christ aka Cunty McCuntface, has returned from death... well a coma induced by drinking horse tranquilisers mixed with lead paint on a mad lad's night out wid mah boys the Cornhole Snatchmaster and Thicc Daddy Fuckboi.

Wateva, anyway, I am here to promote the new street mixtape thass makin waves all ova Tatooine, got them cantina band ass scrotum headed dudes playin shit on repeat.

Lil Sheev - "Tha Senate"

Tracklist
1. I Am Tha Senate
2. Execute Order 66 (ft. 501st Bois & Lil Ani)
3. I'm A Hologram Bitch
4. Wrinkles On Ma Nuts (Don't Give A Fuck) (Mace Windu Diss)
5. Fuck That Frog Nigga
6. Unlimited PowAHH
7. Roast Sesh (ft. Lil Ani)
8. Suck Ma Lightsaber (A Love Song For Nute Gunray)
9. DEW IT (ft. Gasping)

10. Fully Operational
11. Why Am I Falling? (Endor Diss)

12. Tragedy (ft. Darth Plagueis & Not the Jedi)
Bonus Tracks
13. Yareal Poof Is Still Alive (CLUB REMIX) (ft. Pitbull & George Lucas)
14. All Ma Homies Are Dead (Tribute To Dat Nigga Tarkin, Lil Ani, Nute Gunray & Darth Plagueis)

As I'm sure yall can tell this mixtape is a classic, full of autistic screeching and lightsaber noises for all yall hatin ass bitches. Whether he's talking about throwing some black dude outta a fuckin window or focusing on social issues like the state of the senate, Lil Sheev aka Big Poppa Palps aka Banned From the Jedi Temple, is the best rapper in star wars no doubt. I mean, dude's jus talkin about smokin death sticks wid his bois and massacring children: great shite. I jus hope he resolves his feud with that raggedy ass Big Snoke.

Thass all.

Peace.

Rock's Roundup: Jan 17

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Ganesh's left Testicle aka Longest Yeah Boi since 2016, an I'm jus gonna throw out sum shit about January of wateva year it is.

It started off promising since 2016 was over... except we was wrong... 2017 is basically shaping up to be 2016 Part 2. Donald Trump is the most powerful man in the world, celebrities are still dying and the Emoji movie is coming out soon. We are livin in the end of days, I think there's sum shit in the Bible about this, but Iunno.

So in the last few days, Donnie Trump aka the Annoying Orange's Fully Evolved Form aka the Living Tanline aka Boss of the Lollipop Guild aka Mr Provides His own Sign Language, has banned Muslims from a couple of the sandy countries from comin to America. This has caused outrage, because now everyone else wants to make sure he bans their group from America to, I mean, no one wants to accidentally end up in America, Also, none of the countries with links to 9/11 were banned either, which is a trifle suss. Apparently, he also fired every single US ambassador without finding any replacements. He's like Mr Burns at this point. Ol Terry May aka "I start my day with a healthy bowl of Brexit cereal" went to visit him, an looked like a carer taking a dementia patient on a tour of the nursing home. Trump's inauguration earlier in the month was so surreal to witness that I just expected him to initiate the Mannequin Challenge with the crowd, or that Hillary would show up and bash im in the ed with a steel chair while Bernie Sanders closelined George Bush poncho wearin, Jenga supreme champion ass into the crowd.

In the world of entertainment, the next Star Wars title was revealed as the Last Yareal, and will chronicle Yareal Poof's conversion to Islamic extremism. Rogue One made a billy at the box office, and Beorge Blucas responded by visiting a grief counsellor. John Hurt died- RIP. The Oscar nominees were announced and there was an overwhelming response of "who the fuck cares". Although I suppose the "in memory of" sequence for last year will take up most of the time, I can't wait to see Meryl Streep's response to Top Trump's tantrums.

Anyway thass all I can think of rite now... Peace.

Fantastic Beasts

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka the guy whose name coincidentally ends up sounding like a Harry Potter spell aka Dankledore aka the Omnipotent Burnt Toast an I'm here to give sum thoughts on dis new Harry Potter spin off aka Fantastic Beasts aka J.K Rowling needs a new diamond encrusted toothbrush aka Jupiter Ascending but actually good. Less get into it.

This is the only research I've done into Harry Potter.

So Eddie Redmayne plays the upperclass alternate universe version of Stephen Hawking but instead of being wheelchair bound, he just awkwardly gangles all over the place and seems to be schizophrenic. He creates horrifying CGI abominations in his magical suitcase lab, and abducts an obese Jew when several of them try to flee his abusive tyranny. 

Together with an American woman who can't even eat a hotdog properly and her stereotypical blonde slutty sister, Unsteady Eddie and his new pet fat man must capture a horny radioactive rhino that can vomit napalm, a shoplifting platypus that keeps enough gold to buy Zimbabwe inside of a bottomless camel-toe, and a stoned sloth with invisibility powers. They also catch a dragon bird thing inside a teapot at one point. Other animals Newt Scabbbymaster abuses in his quest for power include a death yoyo that turns into a flying squirrel and a disgusting green stick insect that he whores out to Ron Perlman at one point.

Unfortunately, as history will point out, Americans are idiots, and arrest Newt Salamander out of spit for England abandoning America like the ginger, vegan, dubstep loving, mouthy unwanted child that they turned out to be. Meanwhile, the wizard equivalent of grooming for terrorism occurs as a creepy man in a scarf gives a lanky emo a necklace, which causes him to go full Red Wedding on his adopted family. Fortunately, Newt Scavenger escapes prison with Goldstain who is now bae, and they try to stop Johnny Depp from popping up in the film.

Oh bollocks!

So, as Newt Sadamanda calmly tries to convince the rampaging demonic emo to please stop destroying New York, the Americans come steaming in and blast the shit out of dat lil bitch as is their custom. Trump cheers in the background, Johnny Depp manages to materialise in the film through the power of cocaine, and Eddie Redmayne struggles to talk to girls. In the end, he releases the fat man so that all his happy memories can be destroyed and also unleashes a gigantic eagle dragon to hunt down and kill anyone who ever talked shit about his acting in Jupiter Ascending.

So thass about it for Bantastic Feasts. In conclusion, I'd say it's pretty accurate in showing how useless and unhealthy Americans are and how terrifying the idea of being fucked by a huge, glowing mutated rhino is (terrifying enough to make a fat man run, that's how).

Peace!

Rogue One

Sup yall, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka the Dank Panther aka Yareal Goof, I jus got done celebratin the New Year by collecting all the money I made betting on celebrity deaths and then Tweetin 2017 spoilers out such as "Iss gon be anotha shite year ya bish" and "can't wait til celebrities keep dying this year!" cuz I'm jus that fuckin edgy. Anyways less go through Star Wars Episode 3.9 Rouge One aka Saving Private Leia aka We Are Number One But Every Time I Give Away A Major Spoiler, Your Favourite Character Dies. Less GO!

"Hope you hate sand, bitches!"

So afta the Klan rock up and snatch up some miserable farmer to help finish the Death Star, retarded Stormtroopers who sound like Steven Hawking going through a carwash when they speak fail to catch a small girl. The girl grows up to become Gin Or So or somethin and naturally excels in life after her father ditched her... nah, jokes, she's in jail. Luckily, European Han Solo has murdered a panicking fat man and plans to break her out to help find Forest Whitaker to help find a pilot to help find her dad to help find Death Star plans. Meanwhile, a pilot is taken to be fed to a giant squid in scenes reminding me of Japanese porn afta Saw What You Did There Gurera aka too poor to get a wheelchair aka where's my inhaler decides he looks too much like Fidel Castro with his weak ass facial hair.

Jen and the bois roll up on some sandy ass planet to stop Vader comin after them, but still fuck up and get rekt by fucking Stormtroopers. Thankfully, a Vietnamese soldier nearby relives a violent flashback and kills the Stormtroopers thanks to their armour being made out of papier mache and old chewing gum due to budget cuts. His scruffy Mongolian friend also spawn kills some otha Stormtroopers.
Soon after, Are you Tarkin to me? fires the Death Star at the holy city in Donad Trump like moves, and Forest Whitaker decides to try and inhale the resulting storm of dust and finally end his suffering. Unfortunately, Disney confirms his death is not canon. Also the child that Jin saved back in town... died anyway. NOICE!
So then the crew (now 60% more multicultural) arrives in Scotland in the middle of its yearlong rainy season. Pube-beard Bodie and Han Euro go on a Brokeback Mountain style hiking trip, but Jean gets suspicious and then the blind dude hears the word "pussy" and straight up pulls a Jesus in the Bible type stunt on his quest for the poontang. Unfortunately there is no pussy, except Krennic who was so humiliated afta Darth Vader hit him with a dad joke (dad choke?) that he killed some old white dudes. Feminists and Clinton supporters applauded the bold move. Then shit kicks off propa, and Big Poppa, the World Stoppa gets killed, and Bodie's all like "Err so... wat now... get it ERSO!". So straight C3PO kills him and uses his body as a puppet for the rest of the film. No one notices or cares.
Jin gets pissed that the rebels are thinking of breaking up and convinces the crew to go on one final tour, however she ends up accidentally leading them on a suicide mission.
They arrive on Scarif and things start to go wrong immediately. First of all Bodie regains control of his body and starts pissing about with an extension cord. RoastBot 2000 gets shot at by millions of Stormtroopers and some accidentally manage to hit him, even though he's a gigantic seven foot robot and that's like shooting a bit of dust off a grain of rice for a Stormtrooper. Krennic aka Assassin's Creed fashion model shoots Juan Solo and then corners Jyn on the balcony afta she manages to find the PSP game cartridge containing the Death Star plans. Instead of jus killing her, he's a good sport and lets Ca$$ian kill him for a laugh. Admiral Ackbar's uncle knocks down a couple ov Star Destroyers for chatting shit to him on Battlefront. Bodie manages to get killed properly, but no one notices because the Chinese man just avoided getting shot like it was a miracle... but less face it, it was Stormtroopers shooting at him so iss not that impressive. Then he dies. Then his homeless buddy gets converted and dies. Then Tarkin fires the Death Star at the base where half his army is now fighting about three remaining rebels. Still I've had worse managers. Jyn and Captain Cash Money have a little cuddle but she then tells him she has a boyfriend and he wonders if he has enough time to block her on Facebook before they are obliterated.
Then an asthmatic walks into a bar... and kills everyone. Surviving rebels recall hearing him mutter "did a bitch just mention sand up in here!". He then watches his daughter go out dressed like a slut and goes after her to embarrass her in front of her friends: "You need to have a Leia down" "Luke at what you've done" and "bet you was Chewie-ing on some DICK tonight!". Vader makes dad jokes now.

"As an atheist, I find your lack of faith... reasonable."

So yeah, thass all I got to say. RIP to Carrie Fisher. Peace.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 9: Saving Private Rickon

Sup yall marshmallow faced bastards, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Diggie Smalls aka Grubby Mitts Esquire Junior the Third aka the Pissy Spray Lord, less look at this here Battle of teh Bastards.

Well, this is awkward now.

We open up in Mehreen wit Danny givin Tyrion her whole "I'm not angry, I'm jus disappointed" speech about burning down the odd city or two. They get interrupted by a window smashing, and whilst Grey Worm suggests they ring up Gavin from Auto-Glass wit his new found comedy skills, Danny meets up wid three creepy blokes who swiped left on her Tinder account.
Just as the most metro-sexual lookin one starts considering a swipe right, a gert fuck off big dragon rolls up to tell him he's not his real dad. Danny straddles the dragon (not a Pornhub video title... yet) and zooms off. Conveniently enough the two other dragons manage to Shawshank Redemption their way through a brick wall and fly along with her. And them Lady Gaga video extra lookin cunts got rekt when Super Dario an teh Dothraki showed up. That was for Lionel Richie, ya bastards!
As the sound of underpaid sailors simultaneously bricking it reaches a deafening crescendo, Danny orders her Charizards to use flamethrowers, and it's super effective against wood. BUT NOT MA WOOD! I WAS ALREDDY ERECT!!! IT COULD ONLEE GET BETTA!!!

I NEED TO CONSULT A FUCKEN DOCTOR!!!!

So afta that, we see Jon & the Posse havin a good ol fashioned smacktalk showdown, which Ramsey aka the Third Gallagher Brother thinks he can win by repeatedly sayin "bastard". The irony is lost on Jon, as he knows nothing, but Sansa shits on Ramsey worse than the time he ordered her to when they were married becuz quite frankly he's probly into dat shit. But the threat of his impending death keeps the erection maintained, even if I was starting to feel dizzy at that point. But I manned up and drank some more paint to rest my nerves. Good to see that lil girl waiting to fuck up Ramsey wid her 62 pet bears or wateva teh fuck. Sadly, Ramsey won't 1v1 Jon, but Mr "Your Father Was A Cunt" aka Evil Hagrid shows off his wolf's head paperweight. 

Back at Fort Shitcreek, Jon gets some solid advice from Sansa: "Don't do what he wants you to do" and MILFassandre: "Don't make me make you respawn again, you cheeky wanka!". All of this pointless advice maintains the status quo of Jon Snow knowing nothing.

Meanwhile, the bromance between Gingerbiscuit and the Badger is cut short by Davos discovering the site of Stannis's Big BBQ an findin the remains of a "World's Worst Dad" mug in the ruins. Tormund drinks goat milk.

THE ERECTION'S STILL HERE!!!

Back in Chicago, Danny aka Mother of the Third Degree Burn Ward at the Local Hospital entertains guests. I mean, it's only another dickless bloke wid his sister. But his sister convinces Danny that Euron's a bit of a prick an that she should taste carpet. As we pray for the scissoring scene, I also pray that they send Theon's sister to have a chat wid Margery. OH GOD, IT'S STARTIN TO HURT NOW!!!

And now we come to the main event...

Ramsey, the smug prick, rolls out wid Rickon and then lets him run off to Jon. Jon's thinkin, sweet, I aready got diss, but then Ramsey turns into Robin Hood an starts blastin the gat. Rickon turns into fuckin Oscar Pistorius at this, unfortunately Oscar Pistorius without prosthetics, meaning he can't turn in any direction. As Jon abandons all battle plans, because he knows nothing, Ricky gets an arrow in the back. Shit has hit the fan!

Guess which reaction I had to Ricky's death!

Jon's about to get trampled worse than an English football fan in Moscow, but then Tormund and the bois rush in and it turns into a disorientating clusterfuck. Like, I'm pretty sure Jon musta got at least one team kill there. Anyway, shit is kickin off all ova the shop, and a huge pile of bodies builds up behind Jon's crew. Davos runs in to help wid the stragglers. Jon's wolf presumably decides to stay outta this afta what happened to the last wolf what tried ta help.

Lord Cuntfather leads his troops in and they surround Jon's crew an start jabbing them. Ya boi Wun Wun the giant breaks a mufucka in half and starts kickin the shit outta dudes left and right even with hundreds of arrows pokin out of him. Yall already know he's the MVP right?
Jus as Jon starts drownin in death like ya boi Rocky Dabs drowns in crippling social anxiety, the battle is put on pause by ya boi Lilfinga. His crew straight up annihilate the Bolton army. A shocked Lord Hagrid of House "Father was a Cunt" gets his throat fuckin ripped out by Tormund after their fight to determine who had the most magnificent beard. Ramsey fucks off home, but Jon, Tormund an Wun for the Price of Wun take off after him, orderin him to pull over his horse on the side of the road now. I CAN NO LONGER FEEL THE BOTTOM HALF OF MY BODY WITH HOW ERECT I AM!!!

Jus kill this bastard already Jon Boy!

Wun Wun breaks through the door an the Wildlings fuck up Bolton's remaining men faster than a laxative fucks up a clean white carpet. Ramsey shoots Wun Wun in the eye and then reminds Jon to 1v1 him. Jon blocks his arrows with Witcher 3 level deflection tactics then starts pounding him against the ground, fists all up in him... damn, sounds really gay when I describe it like that.
Anyway, Jon wins. Ramsey is tied up and left in a dog cage. Fittingly, his wife couldn't find the Pedigree Chum so compromises and lets Ramsey's dogs FUCKIN DEVOUR HIM!!!! THAT WAS METAL AS FUCK!!! And then my dog started barking immediately and I shit myself!

RIP Wun Wun an Mr "Your Father was a Cunt" and Rickon aka 22 lines in the whole show aka Sonic. Fuck my life, that was a fantastic episode, even without Margery!

Peace yall!

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 8: Hi, I'm Arya Stark, Welcome to Jackass!

Sup yall blathering, Bob Geldof blastin out ya speakers on a Friday night ass dipshits, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Rok-Dig-Ba aka Witchdoctor Rodney aka Moisto the Gimp, less get into diss.

So Brienne Blessed rolls up on Jaime's posse and bullies him into lettin her visit Sansa's uncle in his nursing home, which he has locked himself in since he realised the nurses were stealin his pills. Unfortunately, Muthafuckin Blackfish is too smart to deal wid her "The Army Needs You!" letter an tells her ta fuck off back to Goldfingers aka Five Finger Death Slap. Oh, and Bronn molests a young boy afta insulting him for not gettin his dick wet wid Brienne.

Speakin of young boys getting molested, the Catholic Church show up, an they're on the run fo attempted fingerblasting when the Hound catches up. He tells them to "chop chop" and then whips they asses like a dominatrix in a horse race. He then bumps into his old penpals, the immortal pirate aka OG Jon Snow aka undead Popeye an his life coach the manbun man aka international hangman champion 2007, an afta some food critiquing, cock waving and light strangulation, the Hound decides to join their band as the replacement drummer for that boyfingering bald bloke who he castrated back in teh woods. In short, the Hound is now my favourite character again.

The man is a legend.

Meanwhile, Jaime tries to convince Edmeh to try out this new form of contraceptive, where you fire a baby out of a catapult, but Edmuh shoots it down (the idea, not the baby). Jaime lets Edmuh go and he tries to get the Blackfish to come out an play, but Blackfish is halfway through season 4 of Breaking Bad an refuses to come out. Edmuh lets Jaime and those peasant ass Freys in, whilst Blackfish helps Brienne an Pod escape. He then remembers he left his porn collection at the top of the stairs and runs back.
Jaime is then told that this epic badass war general died. THE FUCKN BLACKFISH IS FUCKIN DEAD?!?!? Jus like dat? At this point I expected him to go: "oh, an boss, King's Landing got nuked an all major characters there are dead lol".

Back in China Town, Qyburn brings Cersei her happy pills but then some hardcore Mormons show up and start insulting science as bullshit. The Mountain, who has a PHD in the physics and anatomy of efficient head trauma, wins the debate by pulling a dude's head off like a fuckin dandelion.

Arya is rescued by a bowl of shitty soup an some LSD milk, whilst Lady Crane tells her about stabbin a guy to death wit a fucken dildo. When Arya wakes up, Crane is more broken an fucked up than a table from Ikea, an the Termiwafer rocks up to finish the ganking. Fortunately, Arya discovers a portal to Assassin's Creed, and parkours around the city for a while. What I really took away from this is that Lady Crane has some fuckin effective painkillers. Also, the people in that city will yell out in horror if their baskets get damaged, but don't bat an eyelid at bleeding little stabbed girls, assassins with knives in plain sight shoving past them, or a blind girl gettin the shit kicked out of her.
Eventually, Arya's bathsalt high wears off an she staggers into a dark room. The Waif starts gettin all cocky an shit, and talks shit about Arya's Youtube channel. Luckily, Arya is an emo and is better off in the darkness, so when the electricity gets cut off, she kills the Waif.
Jack Sparrow finds the face hangin up like a fuckin Christmas decoration, an then Arya tells him she is Arya Stark. He calls her no one, leadin me to believe he has the worst short term memory ever, then she storms off. The Faceless Assassins meet to discuss the complete failure of their apprenticeship scheme and begin a new recruitment drive.

Ah, well, this week's MVP was Blackfish, fo going out like a beast, even if we didn't see it, and Grey Worm for bringing the comedy as always.
Till next time...

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 7: Peasants Everywhere

Sup yall toe suckin, paint snortin bishes, iss ya boi Rock Digglesbee aka Smack Daddy Simulator 5000 aka the Phantom Pisser aka Donald Dank, an iss dat time of the week again.

So Jaimie brings his wingman, ya boi Bronn the Bro, along on his lil lads night out to Frey Country, where they stumble across some dunce cap wearing peasants tryin to sell rope to the Blackfish by pretendin to hang his semi-retarded nephew. Seriously, those Frey lads must've just hijacked a truck fulla those minging grey and brown hats or the caretaker from Hogwarts just gives them out every year for Christmas whilst tryin to convince his family he's just goin senile so he can get away wid givin them shits.

This is the face of a cunning mufucka.

Blackfish watches this lil pantomime for a few moments before his chronic bladder infection flares up again in the presence of peasant ass Freys and he wanders off to watch Emmerdale or sumthin. Jaime steps up an bitch slaps the more disgusting lookin peasant for his dingy colour schemes an shit, whilst Bronn gives out advice on what colours match the soldiers' eyes.

Jaime then gets verbally roasted by Blackfish, who tells him he's disappointed in him, making Jaime wonder if Blackfish is really his father. He returns to the Freys with a MISSION COMPLETE banner an a Tony Blair sex doll. Bronn is disappointed with this.

Meanwhile the FUCKIN HOUND RETURNS BOISSSZ!!!! Whilst livin wid his new homeless stoner Iraq vet priest best bud, an gettin blazed in the valleys, the Hound briefly wonders if Arya's doin alright, whilst his godly pal starts shoutin orders to his flashbacks.

Arya gets brutally stabbed like a pregnant sidebitch at a wedding party. However, it turns out the locals who ignored a blind girl gettin the shit beat out of her in broad daylight will also ignore a girl bleeding and stumblin all ova da place too. Seemed like such a pleasant place, wid that local murder cult of assassins an shit.

Sansa an Jon meet a girl, but because she ain't ginger, Jon's mystical powers of literally being Jesus Christ have no effect. Also, she's like twelve years old, so it would be a bit weird, unless they fed her some of Bran's puberty pills. Davos tries to adopt her, but she knows it would just end wid MILFassandre burnin her ass as a sacrifice to the weather forecast. She tells them to get fuckt, before providing a few roadies to help the Stark Family Final World Tour. Damn, she probably coulda kicked Joffrey's arse as a fetus a few seasons back son. Reminds me of dis bitch wat gave me my first Valentine Card...

Good times.

Dat cool ol lady tries to convince Margery dat the only way Game of Thrones can possibly get more viewers is if she does a naked walk, but dat shit ain't happenin apparently cuz the Shame Nun lost her bell. The High Sparrow also gives off intense "creepy maths teacher outside your window at night" vibes when he tells Margery he's concerned she's not lettin Tommo drown his kingly boner in her queenly cavern. He pretty much strate up tells her she needs to fondle some royal balls for the greater good. Not like priests would ever do anything sexual involving child...oh... oh no... flashbacks to choir practice!!! No... NO NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Speakin ov priests, less check up on the Hound's new BFF...

...ah... shoulda known... he got killed... well, at least we still got the Hound!

MVP ov da episode... shit mang, Blackfish, Bronn, the lil Bear Island girl, Margery's nan, stoner hippie priest hobo, THE FUCKEN HOUND... really anyone who wasn't dressed in greyish brown peasant ass clothes.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 6: The Samtard Show

Ayy bois, iss ya boi Sup Yagglesbee aka Motorboatarola aka Wankenstein's Monsta. Now dat we've all gotten over Hodor's death an have focused our collective outrage on dat sneaky bitch David Cameron once again, less get into the review.

First off, it seems Bran Squad's sacrifice was pointless, as Bran an Meera aka the character who's taken the most shit without complainin throughout the whole series (possibly) are surrounded by zombies. Meera goes in for a hug, an Bran immediately breaks out of his coma for a chance to lose his v-card before the walking dead extras rip them apart.
Unfortunately for a crippled boy's boner, a mysterious figure appears to fling some fireballs about and save dey asses. Good thing Hodor wasn't there really, or he'd have broken the horse's legs when he climbed on.
So as Bran desperately stores the memory of Meera hugging him in the VR wankbank, the stranger reveals himself to be Uncle Benji aka the North's Bear Grylls, who reveals he was jus cruisin about on a mental gap year lookin to tap some sweet Wilding pooss when the ice Nazis ganked his ass.

Since I've run out of offensive Sesame Street pictures, I'll jus use The Wire gifs instead.

And finally we get to see more of Samtard and Gilly and their Satan Spawn lookin ass adopted inbred Aryan child... future Joffrey or wateva. Anyway, I desperately tried to stay awake through their scenes for the first time ever, an I found out that Smatard's mum is a milf and also his dad's pretty much me but old-

...oh shit... does this mean... no... it can't be... 

AM I SAMTARD'S FATHER!!!!!?!??!?!?!?

Of course not, ya bish, it's a fictional TV show, an they ain't doing no Rock Digglesbee crossovers any time soon.

No one enjoys watching the re-enactment of her enemies' brutal deaths, before suddenly deciding that she ain't gonna slip some Cosby pills in Lady Crane's drink for Jacken HGlkKAR. Jacken aka Kurt Cobain takes the new surprisingly well, and rips off a dead guy's face. THAT'S METAL AS FUCK!!!

Back in incest land, the Lannisters get outsmarted by a demented old shoe maker. Margery looks fit as fuck. Her dad gives the most inspirational speech since Samuel L Jackson's "I have a dream, motherfucker" speech, despite lookin like he just fell through a Halloween costume shop on the way there.

Me when I found out that Margery wasn't gonna do the naked walk.

Samtard violates the terms of his probation by nicking his dad's sword and also a pack of Freddos from the local One Stop. Gilly remains on guard duty with her mouth hanging open as always lookin like Cletus offa the Simpsons.

Meanwhile, Jaime finally convinces Cersei to get #wincest trending again despite heavy competition from #shitparents and #savethegorillas(butonlyuntilwefindsomethingelsetogetoutragedat). Also his son fires him harder than the Nerf gun they used to rekill Charles Dance in that play.

The caretaker from Hogwarts is still stuck to his chair an complains that no one's cared about his mouldy ol ass since teh Red Wedding. He also brings the Blackfish hype! Oh, an dat dopey fucka what got married at the Red Wedding looks like he's loving the married lifestyle.

MVP of diss episode was... ah fuck it, it was Samtard. God, I hate myself for this... Runners up include the pissed off girl who hates No one and Margery's dad's hat.

Peace.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 5: Hold the Tears...

S... s... sup yall too much deodorant using wet noises, iss ya... boi... WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WHY???
Ahem, less get started before my anti-depressants wear off. Ha, only joking, I don't use anti-depressants - I only took a shitload of horse tranquillisers and sniffed some glue sticks.

So in this episode Dickless Whittington an his miserable goth sister try to win an election by pandering to a bunch of impressionable Viking looking bikers. Then their creepy uncle shows up like that friend who always has better jokes than you, an insults Theon for not knowin which public toilets he has to use now. Then the Drowned God Al-Quaeda throw him into the sea and awkwardly stand around wonderin why he's not breathing and if anyone knows CPR. Fortunately, Euron Trouble Now wakes up and wants to kill his niece and nephew. Probly had some sort of freaky near death experience induced hallucination where his crown wasn't just a tacky Christmas decoration.

Meanwhile, Lilfinga rolls up lookin smug as shit like some snakey used car salesman ass mufucka, but gets his ass lit up by Sansa. The most important thing here is that ya boi BLACKFISH is mentioned, an ya boi Davos the Hypebringer calls him a LEGEND!!!! BLACKFISH CONFURMET!!!

Game of Thrones spin-off confirmed!

Jorah makes a last ditch attempt to leap free of the friendzone, but gets told ta fuck off until he cures his super-herpes. His line about his dick being solid stone now just didn't cut it unfortunately.

Next ya boi Charles Xavier watched a man getting penetrated by some alien lookin lizard thangs, which, I mean, hey, Bran, ole buddy, it's yo fetish, bud, I mean, damn son, you tried to ave a cheeky wank to some incest in the first episode an look where that got you. Surely, nothing worse can happen because of Bran being a stupid kid, right?

No one went to watch a shitty movie. She talked with Jaken Inarticulate Throat Clearing Noise about it, an apparently he's heard good things but he's currently marathoning season 3 of Breaking Bad. Arya reveals spoilers so we're subjected by a giant naked warty dick taking up the screen as punishment.

But at least it wasn't this one.

 So the end grows near. But Bran tries to play COD whilst the stoned tree bloke takes an afternoon nap watching amputee porn on his VR gear. Unfortunately, Bran pisses off some mental fuckin Albanians by calling their mums slags on Xbox Live. They send the original Mr Whippee aka Mr Freeze aka Ice to meet you aka Darth Maul's Norwegian cousin with his albino mafia and some crack addicts to fuck im up.
Bran squad ain't ready for Wave 3 of zombies yet as old goth man warned him. But Bran Flakes insists on bein a shite team mate an tells them he has a plan.

Pictured: the result.

As Bran falls into a magic mushroom induced coma, Meera an the leprechauns try to fight off zombies an get Hodor to reconnect his controller so he can actually help them. Shit goes down hill afta Hodor wakes up. Olaf from Frozen strolls in like the final boss an just strate up disintegrates that old fucker by slicin his ass up like he was Kylo Ren or sum shit.

Summer jumps in and dies because winter has come and symbolism is great an all that but is it ironic that the wolf called Ghost is the only one doin ok at the moment for all we know. I like to think my dog would try to defend me from zombies but he's a pussy so he'd probly jus wag his tail and lick them til they legs fell off. 

The final four make a run for it, desperately wantin Bran to find the batteries for his controller quickly. The last lizard person decides to kill herself to buy them an extra two seconds with her magical Molotov cocktail. 

They make it out the door... but how do they keep it shut? Luckily, Bran mind rapes Hodor into becoming Hodor during a panic so that Hodor is Hodor enough to be Hodor in the future ensuring that Hodor can hold the door and Hodor the Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor.

RIP Bran Squad Bros: the Wolf of Symbolstreet, the Crow Bro, the Reptilian Master Race, my belief in me not being able to feel sadness and finally the MAN, the MYTH, the LEGEND, the HODOR! HE HELD THAT FUCKIN DOOR!!!!

MVP of this episode is Hodor. Although runners up include Edd, who finally realised he'd been left in charge an now had to deal wit the paperwork of a dude comin back to life and just abandoning the Wall, Tormund's creepy smile to Captain Phasma, and MUFAFUCKIN BLACKFISH, BISH!

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 4: RIP Non Nudity Clause

Previously on the Rock Digglesbee Report...

"Emilia Clarke's non nudity clause almost became another one to add onto the pile of dead bodies, but impossible camera angles preserved her dignity" - Rock "the Rock" Digglesbee, 2016

...well, damn, I've never been happier at being wrong. DEM TATTAES DOE!!!!
When dey was all bowing an shit, an Jorah just had to have a lil peek at dem twin dragon heads, like damn, this was probly his MakeAWish wish or sum shit. Meanwhile, he can tell his boy Super Dario that she really is fire retardant. I mean, shit son, you'd think one of Khal Brogo's bros would at least have a little bit of fire safety training. I like to think dat the bloke who they turned into a lumpy strawberry ice cream with that giant boulder was the designated fire marshal, and dat that was their plan all along.

Speaking of tits, Theon went home an got roasted by his sister for being a spineless (read: dickless) lil biatch. He was apologising more times than Jeremy Hunt with appendicitis (ha, relevant). But fuck im, less get back to the good type ov tits.

Still praying for her to release the battleships!

So that bitch ass pussy ass stupid ass lanky ass inbred ass Aryan mufucka Tommo aka Joffrey V.2 now with 100% less backbone made an appearance to put a stop to any hopes for Margy's nude stroll through town. Fuck man, it ain't like anyone would throw shit at her or anythin man, they'd all be busy snappin dat shit on dere medieval iPhones or burning the memory into their wankbanks.

Margery herself appeared to listen to Stoned Sparrow blaze it up and ramble about how shoes are just like, you know, poor people an shit, you know... Her goofy doofus ass brotha was all cryin an shit too, probly cuz he jus saw the trailer for dat new Ghostbusters film.

Jon Snuh reunited with his sister through his mystical ginger magnetism powers. Ramsey sent them a letter basiclly challenging Snowlo to rap battle an insultin an army of violent murderers who owe Jonny boy their lives... smart moves Ramsey. This letter basically boiled down to "lol m9 1v1 me on Da Norf map pack bish I fuckt yor sistur faggit lol cum an see bastard ps i got yo lil brotha an I'm gonna make him dress up like Sansa whils i go full Saville on his ass bastard come an see!".

Also Briene rolled up on Badgerbeard and GILFassandre to inform them politely that she lopped their boss's head off an that they probly will be next and also they ain't invited to her dinner with Jon an Sansa an the Bear an Pod and King Edd of the Wall, who's so lazy he's still letting Jon get all the letters adressed to the Lord Commander. Smart bloke, he'll probly be the last one standin at the Wall after all this shit... although, given my previous predictions, he's probably gonna be incinerated by a dragon in the nex episode.

In our weekly reminded that Ramsey's a bit of a cunt, he ganked that girl from the Harry Potter films... she was in one of the better ones anyway. Nice of her to come back for those five minutes of screen time since 2004 or weneva she disappeared off ta Sesame Street.

It's still safer for Rickon than going home.

Anyway, that's all I got diss week, fuckas.
MVP of the episode was definitely Danaereola's titties doe. PEACE!